Hello to all. I'm new to the forum. Glad I found this place, it seems I've finally found somewhere I feel comfortable. I'm writing this to get some stuff out of my system. If you have the time to read it, great. If not, don't worry, it's just good for me to get it off my chest. This is my story, here goes.
I had my first "witness" when I was 17 years old. It was a curious affair. At that time I was searching for some meaning to life. School was hell, home life no better and I was very depressed and thought about taking my own life. Somehow, I had convinced myself that aliens was the thing. I used to stay awake all night just staring at the stars hoping that they'd find me...make contact...give meaning to the universe. It didn't happen, but I was still convinced they were real.
I spoke to my sister about it. We debated. I put forward my alien theories. She was quite mad about what I'd said and swore vehemntly there were no aliens and that God was the real deal. I didn't know it at the time but, she had been studying the Society's literature. She pulled out the "Live Forever" book and said I had to read it or there could be no more serious debate.
I took it home and read it. I was blown away. The rug had been pulled from under my feet and I could no longer believe in aliens. I was so moved about the book I wept for days at this discovery. Soon after, I had JW's at the door. I was very receptive...wanting to believe this was the "truth". I accepted a bible study and so began to change my life. At first everything was great. I had finally found what I'd been looking for, I felt ecstatic. I was going to meetings regularly and getting great praise from everyone in the congregation, egging me on to bigger and brighter things...but the downward spiral had begun. I hadn't noticed at first but I would do so soon enough.
The first thing was my family. I began to view them with suspicion. They didn't share my enthusiasm for the "truth". My sister wasn't going to meetings, my dad and brother were opposed, my mum was passive but was full of awkward "stumbling" questions. It was here that my mum showed me her considerable stash of Watchtower and Awake mags she had collected throughout the years. She had read them but never acted on them. This was all news to me. I saw their efforts to question my faith as a test from Satan. Naturally. It never entered my head that some doubting points my family raised about my new religion were valid. It was simply Satan at work.
Then I lost my girlfriend. We hadn't been together long, maybe a year and a half, but I did love her even at that young age. It hurt badly, but I was determined...this was another test. When I told the JW's about my plight, they quoted some scripture about families being divided as part of learning the "truth". I can't remember the exact verse. I was also losing friends rapidly and having work pals mock me constantly. This was of course Satan. So, it meant I was doing everything right.
Things started really going wrong when I hit 19. Suffering from the loss of my friends, girlfriend and family opposition, I became very depressed. That joy of discovering the "truth" had been replaced by fear. Fear for my life at Armageddon. Fear of Jehovah. Fear I lived but then had to see my loved ones annihilated. My whole life was being driven by pure dread instead of joy. This was okay the JW's assured me as fear of Jehovah is a good thing. I suffered a breakdown and lost my job through it all.
Not wanting to leave the organisation (fear) I struggled on. At this point I met a really cool brother. We got on great. We played guitar together, drank beer, joked. He was different from most witnesses. More happy. However, I was recommended not to associate with him because he was materialistic, unspritual and worldly. I ignored the elders and had a great time. I went to live with his family for a break to get over my depression. My family were part of the "world" and I still wanted to be part of the "truth".
Things got worse. My new friend's family were nasty, nasty people. They tried to control my every move and thought. They even starved me. They knew I didn't have much money, I was unable to work but I gave all I could to them, they denied me basic food. I must have weighed about 8 or 9 stone. I could see my ribs. Ironically, it was another "worldly" brother I met who saved me and offered me accomodation away from these monsters. I was in tears about my treatment. I confided in two or three brothers but nobody suggested we do anything, best not to rock the boat.
Disillusioned but not broken, I moved from Scotland to England to try a new congregation. It was more of the same. People in the congregations didn't seem any different from people in the outside world. In fact I was beginning to suspect people on the outside had a more humane view of life. One guy in the congregation raped his wife and daughter. Their son was also a pervert, stealing underwear from washing lines. I reminded myself that this family had problems but were still Jehovah's people and it was none of my business.
I moved back home and started to miss meetings. One brother kept visiting me all the time to get me to go back. Then I had a visit from the elders. At this point I was becoming extremely distressed about the whole ordeal. I felt at that time I needed professional help and considered seeing a psychiatrist. But my mind blanked out the idea. This was Satan. A psychiatrist would be from Satan to get me to leave the "truth".
Anyway, I decided for the good of my mental health I would cease all activity with the JW's although deep down I still felt they were the chosen ones and still had that fear inside me. Recently, 10 years after all of this, I had another nervous breakdown. The last 10 years have been a constant worry for me. What will happen on judgement day? Will I be "torn" from the earth? Will my family be brutally executed? How will ever be sane even if I live? Will I be paralysed by fear when that day comes? Is Satan at my back door as I write?
A few months ago, I started beleiving Satan was making contact with me through TV. I was hopitalised, put on anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. Thankfully I've been released. Here I am now. 10 years later and living a life of fear. I have missed the best portion of my life. Those years are gone, I can't get them back. I'm glad I found this forum and glad for http://members.aol.com/beyondjw/ These sites have helped to see I was being controlled by JW's. Even if they didn't realise themselves that they were controlling me.
I'm still afraid. I'm slowly beginning to digest the possibility JW's have got it wrong. I'm sure they mean well, but in my experience they are no better as people than anyone else...quite often worse. I'm hoping to learn more. I want to become an effective debater against JW's. I have two at my door again. They have been visiting for months. They nearly got me to take interest once more...but I found this site first. Now I just have to get rid of them. As I write, I'm aware of the possibilty that my actions are being controlled by Satan. Am I an apostate? I was never baptised. I have that fear, but I'm still hoping to get my life together. Thanks for reading, your comments are greatly welcome.