In need of support . . .

by Candlestick02 10 Replies latest jw friends

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  Candlestick02

  Hi everyone! I've been reading this forum for a few years now and it is only now that I come to you all for some helpful advice and support.

  I'll try not to get too detailed w/ my story, cause I can tend to ramble (hence the non-posting a lot, cause I usually check the forum at work and I'd be on here all the time) . . . but here it is.

  I've been DA'd for about 6 years now. That's going great and my life is happy - now out of the borg. I have some family still in the borg, including my parents and a sister. Things weren't going well for my parents for a while. . . but it wasn't until about 6 months ago did we find out the real story. My father had been living 2 lives for the last 7 or 8 years or so. This, overlapping from when I still lived with them and was defnitely IN the religion myself.

  My father was disfellowshipped a few months back for having admitted to commiting adultery. My mom has taken it pretty hard, but I give her credit for being somewhat strong about it. Nevertheless, my mom still not trusting of my dad found some "notes" -- outlining further sexual indescresions; with dates, names, ratings and some numbers next to it. Again, long story short.. I won't get into ALL of the details. . . it's still very personal and disturbing for me -- but does anyone know of ANY sort of underground society or group that would possibly shed some light on what these codes could be?

  My mom, again, still in the religion, showed me this evidence of what she found of his (by the way, these notes w/ his sexual experiences, etc were hidden in his KH briefcase. nice!) and seriously, I almost vomited. I can't imagine that the father who raised us, the perfect elder in the congo for 15 years, got to this point. But, I digress. I'm not here to make him change; most certainly not to ask him to go back to the borg... I just don't know who he is anymore, really. Nevertheless what I worry about it is if there could be any harm in these secret dealings. Someone else studying pscyhology or something (my mom said) looked at these 'notes' and said that she should be glad to have my dad out of the house, as these were 'secret codes' or something and she and my sister could be in danger. Has anyone heard of anything like that?

  Anyway, if you guys could shed some light, that'd be helpful.

  Thanks,

  Candlestick
• 

  AlmostAtheist

  You've already google'd the codes? If not, I'd try that.

  Sorry to hear about this, I can imagine it must be very disconcerting to you and your family. All families are vulnerable to this, of course, but it seems the tightly-watched, caged-in environment of the Witnesses foments this sort of thing. I don't know how you'd determine that it's worse among JW's than among the general public, but it sure doesn't seem any better.

  Are your parents going to attempt to reconcile? As crazy as it sounds, reconciliation is possible if both parties want it.

  Dave
• 

  Doubtfully Yours

  (((((Candlestick02)))))

  Sorry you're going through this ordeal.

  DY
• 

  Candlestick02

  Thanks for the reply. No, I haven't googled the codes yet. Honestly, to me it didn't look like anything other than a running tally on that person's 'times' w/ my dad... it seemed to increment in that fashion. . . But, according to this other person (who is not a JW) who saw the notes, she was reminded of something she'd heard about or read. (??)

  I wouldn't totally rule out them getting back together. This all came to light last summer, and she gave him VARIOUS chances. . . but he kept on lying to her. Then he'd go through the deeply repentant phase and acknolwedge he needed help . . . but then he'd do something else to slip up again. She tried to salvage the marriage a bunch of times. She told me that she was afraid that if she threw him out that he'd just go back to those people again. But, she had no life. All she worried about was each time he wasn't in her presences what he could be up to or not. Plus, he blew his last chance again and she FINALLY (as of two wks ago) booted him out of the house. I think she's finally done w/ him. But it's been so tough to see her hold on for this long. She finally said - as she cried -- the last time we spoke 'well, you can't say I didn't give him a chance.' He blew it though when he was telling her that Jehovah forgives 77 times and that she should too. I got them both on the phone and gave him a piece of my mind. But, we'll see.

  Thanks again.
• 

  Candlestick02

  Thanks for the hugs, Doubtfully. I know I'm out of the borg --- but I must say that all this stuff they're going through has brought back some memories of my exodus out too. Plus, it really got me po'd when I realized that through-out all that struggle *I* was going through in trying to get myself free of the religion's grips -- meanwhile my dad was up to his other dealings -- and yet he NEVER came to my aid and rescue. Not after the devastatingly horrible time I had during my departure.

  Oh well.

  May he find peace doing whatever he's doing. I don't care what he does... so long as he doesn't keep hurting the family. Fortunately, we're closer to that now w/ him gone.
• 

  fairchild

  outlining further sexual indescresions; with dates, names, ratings and some numbers next to it.

  It might be possible that the numbers are his own 'code', not belonging to any group or anything. Many people develop a personal code when they want to write things down that should not be seen or understood by anyone else.
• 

  Sassy

  oh my. well I have no idea about codes..

  I know my ex husband had a running list of dates he had while married to me.. it was a calendar of sorts with small notes.. I gave it to the elders (at the time I was stilla dub). CAn't remember if it had codes or not.. all I know is the elders through it away.. since I took it from his house, they didn't want to be party to theft..

  personal code when they want to write things down that should not be seen or understood by anyone else.

  yes.. that is my guess..

  that way if it was found, it might not be clear what it was
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  AlmostAtheist

  Hey Candle,

  Sounds like your mom's already tried the "reconciliation" route, and realized it won't work for her (or him, I suppose). That's a shame, but she's got to live her life and if he's not going to let her do that, then cutting him loose is her only reasonable choice.

  I understand what you mean now about him not supporting you during your exit (shunned you?), while at the same time being willing to disobey the borg in other more selfish ways. Wow, I really feel for you. I've never been betrayed like that, but I can imagine it would be tough.

  Sounds like you've got a great head on your shoulders. Good luck from here with your family.

  Dave
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  tijkmo

  u may think im not in any position to offer any support if you know anything about my story...because i was...'your dad' if you know what i mean....however before you decide that i have no right to say anything please hear me out....

  im not sure what the secret codes are specifically that you refer to but i do know that when i was involved with someone other than my wife then you do find ways to be secret about it and yes that involved codes and messages that only we understood...i would not like anyone else to be able to understand these mainly because it would be embarrassing to them but i dont think there is any danger in them beyond the damage already done...

  do you think your dad acted out of character...i know it would be easy to lay all the blame at his feet esp with the time element you mention but im sorry but that may not nessercarally be the case...was it someone in the cong he was involved in..sadly even in the truth girls are not so niave as to be unaware of what they are doing or the damage it will do..i think it is unlikely that she did not know that your dad was married unless he told her otherwise..

  do you have contact with your mother even though you are d/a...this will be an additional anguish for her when she most needs support..you need to make her aware that you are there for her but dont force yourself on her if that is just going to worry her even more at this point...but keep checking up that she is doing ok and reaffirm your love for her and willingness to help whenever she is ready...she will be getting some help in the cong at the moment because its 'exciting' for everyone but sadly this will not be resolved quickly and everyone else will move on with their lives..

  does she want to forgive him and is he wanting to attempt to reconcile....if the answer is yes to this then tell her to start right away...the fact that he is d/f is not a consideration in reconciliation and ignore the org ruling on no spiritual association between man and wife because that may be all they have to build on at the moment....but if he is not wanting to reconcile then dont let anyone in the hall-pub,elder,co even tell her that j. hates a divorcing and that she would be expected to show forgiveness if she doesnt want to do this..whether or not it is what your dad wants.

  if your dad doesnt want to reconcile then tell her to make a decision after a reasonable time to let him go..no good will come to your mum to be vindictive or to postpone severing the relationship..either way he is still your dad and any recovery is unlikely to happen if everyone treats him like crap if this is in fact only a mistake...i say 'only'.....you know what i mean.....remember too that you are probably only getting your mums side of the story and she may not be telling you everything..you wont know for example whether there were already problems because your parents would not have wanted you to know and rightly so..its none of your business...but you may find out things now about both your parents that you do not wish to know....ignore it the best you can and continue to show support to both.

  I wish you well in your efforts to salvage something from this..you have a long journey ahead...and pm me if you wish to speak privately..sad to say i do know what im talking about..tijkmo
• 

  orangefatcat

  Candlestick 2 : what a bummer, I feel so terrible for you. Gee what makes people hurt their families like that? I think it goes to being real selfish. What a hypocrite, (sorry I know he is your dad ),but how the hell did he justify being an elder and living two lives like that?

  I am sorry your mom must be really hurting.

  I wish only the best for you Candlestick. And welcome to JWD, its a privelege to meet you here in cyberspace. Be strong and look after your self and your needs. Sounds like you need some good loving support, I hope you have someone you can relate to.

  Codes, wow, what will they think of next?

  love

  Orangefatcat