How can you just let go?

squeaky

My boyfriend (on/off 5yrs) has been in and out of this religion since we met 10yrs ago. Right now, he is back on. It's hard for me to cope with his switching back and forth. I am not a JW. I know that the way he was raised and the person he became conflict in every way. My opinion is that he hates the person he is when not living by JW standards. We are both in our mid/late 20's and he moved across the country to be with me. When he first got here he was off religion. After about 4-5 months (and a small drug habit) he dropped off the face of the earth for 3wks. Earlier this week, he contacted me. He is coming over to get the rest of his belongings tomorrow. He has been one of my best friends for 10yrs. While I really do love him, I know that I am not ready to convert to his religion. I want to be with him so bad. I really do. But am not sure if that is would be in HIS best interest. I just want him to be happy. And, from what I've seen over the past 10yrs, the only time he is truly happy is when he is a devout JW. I guess my question is, am I going to have to let him go? Or is there some way that we can make this work?

seattleniceguy

It sounds like he is really conflicted. This often happens to people who leave the religion but still believe it. The indoctrination is very strong in the Jehovah's Witness organization, so it affects people in subtle ways even decades after they have mentally made a break.

I think what your boyfriend needs to do is seriously consider evidence that they Witnesses are wrong. A good place to start is the book Crisis of Conscience, by Ray Franz, who was a member of the Governing Body of Jehovah's Witnesses and relates the things he saw in that position. It's certainly enough to start the gears turning.

With regard to living by JW standards, Witnesses indoctrinate their followers that if you're not a Witness you will be a selfish, immoral wreck of a human being. Because of that fact, many who leave the organization become a self-fulfilling prophecy. They don't realize that you can live a normal, healthy life outside of the organization. Again, this all comes down to overcoming indoctrination.

It may be difficult to get your friend to consider these things, since Witnesses are also indoctrinated never to listen to commentary critical of the Watchtower. But if you are able to suggest it to him, this site is a great place to talk to real people who have gone through similar experiences. It would be cool to see him around.

Hope that helps!
SNG

Aude_Sapere

Hi squeaky.

I'm sorry you are in a tough position. I was an on-again, off-again witness for many years too. (not quite as off as your bf, but...!)

My life is so much happier and saner since firmly leaving. Understanding the reality behind core doctrinal and judicial decisions in the organization helped me to see that it was not a way of life that truly brought me inner contentment and hope for the future. I am so happy to be out and will never return there.

I do not really have any relationship advice for you but wanted to say 'hello' and welcome to JWD.

I'm sure others will have plenty to share with you.

There have been so soo SOOO many threads started like yours that someone will probably provide you with a link.

In the meantime, you may want to look in the 'Best of' section. I think there is a collection of threads dealing with 'relationships'.

Best wishes,

-Aude. (meaning: Dare to Know; Dare to have Wisdom, Knowledge.)

squeaky

Thank you both very much. I know that he will come around again. I just don't think that I will be sticking around this time. Friendship will always be there. Other than that, well...who knows. I'm just getting really nervous about our meeting tomorrow.

Thanks again though.

hubert

When he comes over tomorrow, mention the "Crisis of Conscience" book to him, as SNG suggested, then give us an update.

Welcome to the board, by the way.

Hubert

stopthepain

IMHO sqeaky-he loves the religion more than you.He should live life on his own terms.I believe there is a period of time where you go thru some real ups and downs,guilt,and general mixed emotions.But 10 years seems like a long time to battle with that ,to me.He needs to either choose your love,or the false love of a mind control cult.

Best of luck to you.STP

missmuffet

If you can see that he is truly happy when he is with the witnesses, then maybe that is exactly what HE needs at this time in his life. I think no one should be judgemental. YOU are the one that see's him when he is happy, not a bunch of faceless individuals who are only interested in making sure NO one is part of their organization.

Different strokes for different folks. For some people being part of the JW organization is just what they need. I also think that you would have to admit that there really is nothing wrong with their way of life. I know many JW's and they truly do seem to have a sound sence or morals and try their utmost to lead a clean life. Not that ALL of them are that way, but many are.

JMHO (Just my humble opinion)

stopthepain

miss muffet,you say "for some people,being part of the jw organization is just what they need".Thats all well and good,but does that include brainwashing thier children?Does that mean putting sqeaky thru an emotional roller coaster?I didn't have a choice.My psyco mom and dad FORCED me to belong to the publishing company.I didn't need it.I'm sure if sqeakies friend had his chance at free will ,instead of being indoctrinated with religous BS,he wouldn't have this inner turmoil.Is true happiness being torn apart inside out,is true happiness destroying your childs joy?is true hapinness 10 years of exteremes in emotion?Your obviously covering up for whatever reasons you want,mayber it's your own guilt,or trying to rationalize something that doesn't make sense.If someone wantas to join a cult,thats thier problem,but don't make it everyone elses!!!!!!!!

eljefe

Some people need to be told what to do in their lives otherwise they can't make the proper decisions (i.e. drug habit). They turn to controlling places like JWs to tell them what to do.

ScoobySnax

Squeaky....as much as it hurts, I think you have to let him go so he can follow his own path. Like you said, he only seems to be happy when he is following his own JW path. Its a good bet that this is the path he has chosen. Although it might be painful, if that is what his mind is set on, and its not one you want to follow, then wish him well and let him go. Get on with your life and be well, there are plenty more opportunities out there for you.

Scoob

How can you just let go?

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