My sister is down and out...

DanTheMan

Almost 15 years ago my sister gave birth to a son, and, feeling that it was the right thing to do, married the boy's father even though she had little in common with him. The marriage lasted for about 3 or 4 years, was full of drama, and came to an inglorious and bitter end.

They worked out a joint custody arrangement where my sister had the more parental responsibilities of seeing to his education, but his dad still got to see him a good bit of the time.

A few years later, his dad married his current wife, a true-believing Pentecostal woman if ever there was. He soon joins the church, and without consulting my sister starts taking my nephew. The church that they belong to is very high-involvement, with scheduled activities almost every day of the week. Also, from what I can gather, the church is very clannish and of the fundy "We're saved/you're not/you're going to hell" variety. They are ready and waiting for the Rapture to come.

Now my nephew is getting close to the age where he will have more of his own voice in custody matters. And he is getting a tremendous amount of pressure from his dad to reject his more secular-minded mother (who according to him is unbelievably selfish for working a full time job instead of being a stay at home mom, however he didn't complain so much when they were married and she basically put him through school). The sad thing is that my nephew is *totally* buying the religion. He is heavily involved in this "Bible Quizzing" competitive thing, begs to be home-schooled, the whole works. He tells my sister that he hates her and wants to go live with his dad, mostly because at dad's house it is playtime, all the time, and very sheltered from the bad non-Church people.

I could go into a lot more detail but suffice to say that my sister's ex is a self-righteous asshole who treats her with zero respect. I don't know where I'm really going with this thread, I'm just really sad over this because it is tearing my sister up. She feels that she has already lost the battle for his mind to the fundies, and that when he becomes an adult he will cut off all contact with her. It's really sad, what Republican Church Nazis like them do to the unfortunate non-believers who happen to get in their way.

I think that Pentecostal Megachurchism makes JWism look tame by comparison. And I'm pretty sure that I've lost my nephew to it.

purplesofa

I'm sorry this is so tough and sad for you right now.

I have four sons........and a daughter.

What I found out is they learn things on their own. My sons decided to live with thier dad when they got to be teens, weekend visits were great. It was the hardest time in my life. Mostly as I wanted to shelter them. Eventually they learned how he really is. And all have come back with me for a period of time.

It is difficult at best.

My daughter moved in with her Dad in January, she came back last week. She had all she could take.

Sometimes you just have to let them decide on thier own.

purps

purplesofa

I'm sorry this is so tough and sad for you right now.

I have four sons........and a daughter.

What I found out is they learn things on their own. My sons decided to live with thier dad when they got to be teens, weekend visits were great. It was the hardest time in my life. Mostly as I wanted to shelter them. Eventually they learned how he really is. And all have come back with me for a period of time.

It is difficult at best.

My daughter moved in with her Dad in January, she came back last week. She had all she could take.

Sometimes you just have to let them decide on thier own.

purps

purplesofa

so sorry for the double post........purps

DanTheMan

Sometimes you just have to let them decide on thier own

I told my sister tonight that she had to take the long view of things, but she was in a very melancholy mood and she quickly retorted that the long view is that he's going to grow up and become a Pentecostal idiot and forget that she ever existed. It just about makes me want to cry when she says things like that because I know how much pain she is in and I love my sister VERY much, I'm closer to her than anybody in the world. I love my nephew too, he's a great kid, but I have to agree with my sister that he seems to be leaning heavily towards his dad and all that goes along with him.

purplesofa

Since he is becoming the age to decide on his own, there is not alot a parent can do.

I used my time with my children to communicate and assure them that I loved them very much and that I would always be there for them. Over time, I experianced much hurt and anguish as I thought I had lost them to their Dad and new step mom.

It was very hard to trust that the time I had with them was valuable and influencial to them as it was me.

I often thought of the scripture how Jehovah hates a divorcing.

He tells my sister that he hates her and wants to go live with his dad, mostly because at dad's house it is playtime, all the time,

My kids never said they hated me. When they went to their Dads, he had a pool, boat, camping stuff, 4 wheelers.........all kinds of stuff.......They wound up working harder with him than they ever imagined. No home has playtime all the time.

If she has done all she can to reason with him to stay. It is best to get ready for round #2.

jeanniebeanz

Dan, this is such a sad thing to hear.

So sorry your sister is going through this. Hopefully, her son has more moral fortitude than to cut her off as she fears. Sometimes kids go through a real selfrighteous stage when they begin to find their feet spiritually. My daughters went through this until real life bit them in the *ss.

They did come around, but sure didn't treat me very well for a while. I had to remind them loudly and often that I didn't care what their chosen religion was, but they were not going to treat me like dirt in my own house. I was and am their mother, and like it or not, disrespect for me was against the bible principles they were trying to shove down my throat.

Very difficult times that lasted until they reached 18 or so. (((((((((Dan's Sis))))))))

J

AlmostAtheist

Sorry to hear it, Dan. Anything I've tried to figure out to say just sounds like "keep warm and well fed", so let me just say I'm sorry. I hope your nephew gets his feet under him as he gets older and realizes there's more to the Bible than the rules of a particular church.

Dave

DanTheMan

Thanks all for your comments, I just needed to vent about the situation. I was so upset after leaving my sister's house tonight. My nephew was sent to his room for copping a major attitude when he was asked to stop playing Xbox and do the dishes, and my sister interprets the behavior as "See! See! He does this on purpose, just to solidify in his own mind what he is being conditioned to believe by his father and the church, that I'm a no-good non-believing mother and that he is miserable here..." etc. She goes on like that a lot, I guess she's kind of like me in that way where she feels like she can't win and everything is conspiring against her. Unfortunately she takes out some of her frustration on my nephew by YELLING AT HIM a lot and that drives me crazy but I can't say anything because you don't want to piss my sister off let me tell you she's got a bad temper.

morty

Dan,

I am sorry to hear that you and your sister are in this situation. What a terrible feeling to think that you may loose your nephew over dam religion again...It?s no wonder you cannot stand your ?x? brother-in-law....I would be livid with my in-laws as well if they were trying to hurt me, my nephew/ niece or my sister....

You seem to be a loving brother Dan, and it is to bad that not enough of this love is readily available in the dub world....

Your sister seems like a good mom and what goes around, will come around for her...

Can I suggest that you request that you get to have a day with your nephew on the weekends to keep the lines of communication open with him?? If he see?s his Uncle coming around and wanting to spend regular time with him, you could possibly discourage him going to his "church" event for that particle day...I mean, it could be really more fun hanging with Uncle Dan at the show or something to his liking on the weekends...

Just a thought for you to ponder over Dan.....

I wish the best for you and your family and will say a prayer for you all....

((hugs))

..If your nephew is a teen, this age is the worst....it will get better for her and one day your nephew will see what your sister and you have done for him...

Hang tight my friend.....

My sister is down and out...

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