Thanks everybody for your replies, somehow my story didn't make it on to the original post for some techo reason, all you got was the title, and then I lost the site! (Of all the most obvious site names on the web...)
Anyway, I'll sum up... Okay, I lived for a few years in doubt about The Truth and was inactive, but maintained a bit of a JW social life, not doing anything to be called a sinner for. Decided to make something happen with my life and so moved to the opposite end of the country where I could live without a JW community watching me, however by coincidence met a guy within weeks, fell for him, and didn't want the family blaming him for my leaving the truth, so I went back to meetings and tried to get him to understand it a little, so he'd understand me better. It got serious and we were talking marriage, but I thought that maybe one day in the future I'd see the light and become a real actual JW believer, and then regret being a spiritual widow. He waited a while for me to sort out my addled head, but not long enough, and we didn't make it. So that threw me, I got very deeply depressed, I resented The Truth, and moved cities again, moving in with a couple of sister friends who did their best to look like spiritual giants, but were too stupid to deal with me talking about my uncertainty. I stayed in touch with a non-witness workmate from my old city, we became close friends, and finally decided to get married. We talked about the lies we would have to tell my family in order for me to not be d'd, and neither of us liked it, but knew that it was best for everybody. My (elder) brother had his first baby a couple of months ago. Mum and Dad travelled to the other side of the country to see them, and I went up to see them too, planning to tell them about my engagement then. My family has never recovered from the split they suffered when I was considering the first guy... some deeply opposed, some okay with it, but now not talking to each other. Anyway, I told mum and dad about my fiance, they took it pretty well considering how damaged the family were the last time I considered marrying out of the Lord, but then just wouldn't mind their own business about 'how well we know each other'.... and I'm not that good a liar anyway. So I confessed to them, to the elders a few days later, relieved at no longer being a liar and respecting myself a whole lot more. We organised a committe at which I told all, including (oops), that I've Had Doubts for a while, and they disfellowshippped me. Fortunately I was already moving out of the pre-high-school-pyjama-party share house, so now I have my own life in my own place, and am planning my wedding in a few months. Me, him, his family, and maybe mum and dad will be there, although I'd prefer that they don't go, as if they do they'll lose the book study, and mum won't want it back until I'm reinstated, and I could do without that little bit of emotional blackmail. Yes, I have decided to play the game of attending meetings until I burst a vein or am reinstated, whichever comes first. I figure that three years of it is as much as I can give it. I just hate how much my mum is suffering from this, she's very fragile, I'm doing it for her. If after three years I can't get away with pretending to be a believer, I'll give it up, but I've got to at least try hey. What do you think? Am I totally kidding myself?
