What would you guys do??

under74

I mentioned on another thread that Friday night I'd gone out with some friends (one being my roommate). And in the middle of a bar we were at she (roommate) starts screaming at the top of her lungs about how I find everything she says to be wrong and demanding an explanation. Now, to give you a little more detail--right before another friend had been talking about something (my roommate disagreed with for some reason) and then momentarily left to go smoke and as soon as she left my roommate starts going into this heated bitch about the friend that went to smoke. I let her talk but she kept it up and then I finally asked "why are you making such a big deal about this? It's not a big deal." And that's when she started screaming. Then I started yelling at her because she's being irrational and stupid and then knowing I might slap her I got up and left. So, we haven't spoken since Friday night.

She's my friend and I live with her but she crossed the line. She's one of the most insecure people I've ever met e.g. she's insecure about not being as smart as other people yet she won't look up a goddam thing--instead she makes herself look like an idiot by asking questions like, "Did the Vietnam war happen before the Korean War?" And she's so self-centered that she believes that most people have nothing better to do than pick on her and make her feel bad.

Honestly I'm sick of it. But I have to live with her for the next 2 months. My question is how would you all handle this?

Any takers?

JW83

I had a friend who did that to me - screamed at me in public for nothing, & I dumped her sorry ass! She's never got back in touch with me ... I think it shows a lack of respect.

Elsewhere

instead she makes herself look like an idiot by asking questions like, "Did the Vietnam war happen before the Korean War?"

I'd try not to be so hard on her. You might be amazed at how many people do not know who their congressmen are... or who the Vice-President is.

Just because you know something does not mean you have superior knowledge, everyone has their aptitudes and deficiencies. This is why, when talking about physics with people, I don't give them a hard time if they don't understand that black holes do, in fact, radiate energy contrary to what most people think... or what the difference is between a Fermion and a Boson. At the same time, if you were to ask me which country is to the east of Macedonia I could not tell you because I have no idea.

Regarding her ragging on others... that is just gossiping. Just tell her that you don't like to gossip and don't make the mistake of letting her catch you doing any gossiping or she will be pissed at you.

under74

I don't think I have any superior knowledge but the problem is when she asks what a conquistador is and then gets mad because you know and told her.

And it's not about just gossiping about this other person--she was livid with this person but didn't have the guts to say anything directly to the face of this person. It's also in bad form to do it to somebody who didn't say or do anything offensive and knowing this person would be back in 5 minutes.

Dansk

Elsewhere made some excellent points.

To me, this says all you need to know about why your friend acts the way she does:

She's one of the most insecure people I've ever met

You say you have to live with her for another two months. Well, if possible, I'd hang on in there and, realising about her insecurity, try and strengthen your relationship in some way. Thank her for being such a good friend and for being your room-mate. When we dwell on a person's positive points they often respond more positively and feel more secure in our company. I was insecure for many years and had a short temper to boot. I have some sympathy for your friend, although I don't recall ever acting so drastically. Nevertheless, insecurity usually stems from carrying some painful baggage around. It is only recently that I have been able to finally relinquish ITS hold over me!

Your friend might also be somewhat jealous of any other friendships you make. Someone as insecure as she is will see any of your other friends as a threat to the friendship she obviously enjoys with you. You might not like what happened, but please try and undertand where your friend is coming from. Obviously, she cannot be allowed to "control" who you see - which is why I suggest you make her feel really special.

People! We're all complex individuals - some a lot more than others - and I guess we all have baggage and often skeletons in the cupboard. I feel for you, too, under74. It's not easy, I know.

All best wishes,

Ian

under74

I understand what you're saying Ian and really for the time my roommate and I have known each other I haven't been hard on her. I've never told her what I wrote here (even if I thought it on several occassions) because it would hurt her feelings. My original post is more what comes out because I'm angry about it. And because I know it's an issue she has with herself but instead of taking responsibility for it she gets mad at other people she thinks know more.

I can see how your suggestions might make it easier over the next 2 months. However, I don't even think I can look at her in the face...you have to understand that if I wasn't living with her I might take the same approach as JW83.

dh

I don't think I give off signals that make people I am with feel they can act like that around me in public. If it did happen, I would see it as my own mistake for not making the boundaries clear to that person in the first place, and I wouldn't mix with them again. Difficult if it's your roommate. It's up to you if you want to invest time in the person, trying to 'change' them, now that they've already shown what they are. I personally wouldn't. I don't have time for people who are disrespectful. If respect isn't mutual, I think there is no point being there.

under74

Yeah, DH I didn't think I gave off signals either....at least I think with most people I don't. She is my roommate though... so it might be different and she seems to get a huge amount of false confidence when facing someone much bigger than her (she's about 4'9) when she's had a few drinks.

I don't have time for people who are disrespectful. If respect isn't mutual, I think there is no point being there.

That's the whole thing, I don't know if I can invest anymore in her. I tried my best through last year and up till now but this last incident was too much. I've never pulled any crap like that with her and expect the same.

Still, even though I'm still mad I don't enjoy writing someone I considered a friend off. That's why I posted.

franklin J

...perhaps a visit to a therapist is in order for her. Maybe some "prozac"

under74

Well, franklin you're right--in fact she mentioned exactly what you did when I sat her down and talked it out with her last night. She apologized for her behavior and knows that I'm her friend but won't tolerate an episode like that again. Anyway, I think it'll be alright...at least for the next couple months.

Thanks to everyone for their posts. It was helpful.

What would you guys do??

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