Hello all. I came across this site, and while still my upbringing says i should stay away from such site, I had to join. A bit of a background about me. I'm 31, my parents became Witnesses when I was born so they could give me the best upbringing they felt possible. I gave my first talk when i was 5, started setting the goal of Betel Service when I was 6 or so, became a Pioneer at 17, M.S at 17, went to Bethel at 20 for a year, and then I started to loose steam. Now its not that I ever questioned the way I was taught, the things I was taught, or anything along those lines. To this day, I still will give the best Witness possible to anyone who asks what Witnesses believe. It still bothers me that so many people have nooooo clue whatsoever.
About 4 years ago, my now ex wife, who was raised a Witness in Brooklyn all her live, cheated on me, and left me. That final thread I had been hanging on with finally snapped, and I went downhill fast. I had been inactive for probably 7 years or so at this point, so weakness set in, and i started going out to a club down the street, making friends with bartenders, the owners etc. Getting drunk on the weekends, ended up dating an ex witness for a short time I had been friends with growing up, having sex, etc. Then, while I had hated it all my life, I started smoking. I was reproved for it, (since they didint know about the sex part) but I couldnt break the habit, so last January I was DF'd. Of course thats killed my parents, old friends etc, but I havent had a real desire to go back. I dont hate the organisation, I dont blame them or God, or the bible for playing by the rules and still getting screwed in the end either.( The ex and I waited 4 1\2 years before getting married before having any type of sexual contact) I just got tired. Tired of being good. Tired of trying to make everyone happy. Tired of trying to live up to the reputation I had growing up. So I dont hate thme. There are problems, but it's an imperfect organisation, with imperfect members. I still think that the group as a whole try very hard to do whats right, to live by bible standards, and from what I've seen in the "world" very few other religions have come as close. But I dont want to go back. I dont have it in me anymore. Interestingly though, the girl I have been dating for the last 2 1\2 years, raised a Lutheran, started asking me questions about what we believed from the very beginning. She would read different publications I had still, always asking more and more and more. A month ago or so, a Pioneer started coming by her job and leaving magazines. She went to the Memorial. She has been attending the Sunday meetings and even studying the Watchower artcle on her own to prepair. No one has pressured her for a study, no one trying to beat it into her head. I went with her to her first meeting to make her comfortable, and the elders were sooooo warm and accepting. Even to me, who the PO recognized right away as being DF'd. One elder even went so far as to hug me in appreciation for coming, and for trying to help my gf. They know we live together, and they didnt even blink. My gf, is so hungry for answers. Answers she says she has searched for her entire life, from all major religions. Just from what she's seen, heard, and read, she looked at me the other night and said, "If this isnt as close to the truth as possible, then there is no truth." Of course she knows and understands that if she continues, we cant stay together. And as much as that upsets her, she's willing to make that sacrifice. She said she finally feels like life has a purpose, and that she understands why bad things happen.
I miss the old days sometimes, but dont want to go back. I've given up my family, friends, now possibly my gf. And I dont want to go back. Yet I still love everything i was taught. Everything I believed.Everything i did. But I just cant seem to do it.
Thanks for letting me vent