Help for a non-Witness

by hagey 25 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Stacey

  Ok, I touched on why this current JW/Non-JW relationship would not have worked. I forgot to touch on the fact that if things DID work and you had to raised your kids as JWs... well.... good luck on that. Most people that I knew growing up as JWs with one parent in and one parent out, were considered "spritually weak". My family was that way. My dad was baptized but only went to meetings maybe once a month. My mom was active. Our family was seen as "weak", and we as kids were treated this way. You are torn as a young JW. Take it from me. It's a very guilt-ridden life. Growing up feeling so different from everyone else is a tough way to do it. Not everyone goes thru this, but I did. You dont want your kids raised with this kind of control.

  Well maybe you do. Just sharing what I've experienced. My family is much happier and better off now out of the religion and having nothing to do with it anymore.

  -Stacey
• 

  nelly136

  you asked if your beliefs were less important because they were less structured...quite frankly it really wouldnt matter what your beliefs are theyre not jw beliefs and therefore count for absolutely nothing, and marriage as a partnership..you wont just be marrying her you'll be marrying the Watchtower org, you think of her as you breathe, she will be answerable to them not you. If shes not a very strong exceptional lady you will be sharing your marriage with whatevers in the latest policys in the watchtowers publications.
  Children are inculcated at a very young age, theyre brought up with doom and gloom and death hanging over them, perform to expectation or die, you learn at a very young age that any relatives that are not upstanding jws are walking dead waiting for Armagonnagettem day to
  put them out of their misery.
  I know I'm going on about the down side but I really want you to be going into this with totally open eyes, forewarned is forearmed and you really need to plan for every eventuality where children are involved, especially if there ever was a divorce/death
  because then you would have very little say in their well being.
  You obviously think a lot of her, and whatever happens I wish you
  both the very best and future happiness,fingers crossed for you being able to work round the dreaded watchtower.
  nelly
• 

  CPiolo

  Hagey:

  I am a non-JW married to a JW. I won’t repeat the good advice you’ve been given so far. The most important thing to keep in mind is PROCEED WITH EXTREME CAUTION!

  No one can tell you what to do or what is best for you. We’re all left to discover these things for ourselves. We can only provide insight into our own situations in the hope that you can gleen something from this in relation to your own particular relationship.

  When I met my wife, she wasn’t a JW, but had left many years previously. She told me she had been involved with the group and had left due to personal differences with their theology that prevented her from living the life she wanted. She did state that she believed in the Bible and that it was an iportant part of her life. Being naïve as to exactly what it means to be a JW other than the sensational, I didn’t think much about it, but did maintain some missgivings due to a previous relationship with a woman who was studying with the JWs.

  While still dating, we discussed how we would raise our children if things progressed that far. We agreed we would not indoctrinate our children into any particular faith, but would let them make up their minds for themselves.

  We later married and had a child. Due to our personal situation and the stress some of this caused my wife, she went back to meetings and she has reverted to a devout JW. This includes wanting to bring our child to meetings. I hold her to our agreement, but our differences cause us much strife and tension. It’s difficult to even have a non-confrontational discussion about her beliefs.

  One thing I would recommend you do is research the religion, its viewpoint, what experts (psychologists, sociologists, and religious scholars) think of it, and how it affects members worldview and their views of those outside the group. Some suggestions would be:

  Releasing The Bonds: Empowering People To Think For Themselves by Steven Hassan http://www.freedomofmind.com/books.htm

  The True Believer by Eric Hoffer

  Crisis of Conscience by Raymond Franz (a former Governing Body member of the Jehovah’s Witness, now disfellowshipped/excommunicated for eating a meal with a former member) http://www.freeminds.org/sales/menuframes.htm

  I would also suggest Randy Watter’s web site http://www.freeminds.org/. It’s full of useful information. Regarding family issues and how to talk to your girlfriend in a way that does not threaten her and allows her to hear your side, apart from Steven Hassan’s books, Randy has a couple of excellent articles:

  http://www.freeminds.org/family/family.htm

  http://www.freeminds.org/psych/exithelp.htm

  Apart from that, come hear as often as you need and ask questions. The more you know the better, and the better and more educated will be any decision you make.

  One further thing, DO NOT TELL YOUR GIRLFRIEND YOU ARE READING ANY OF THE ABOVE MATERIAL OR VISITING THIS WEB SITE OR ANY OTHER WEB SITE WITH FORMER MEMBERS OF JWs. Former members are vilified as apostates and are viewed as the spawn of the devil. It’s a very effective and clever way to prevent outside information in.

  Wishing you all the best,

  CPiolo

  P.S. Feel free to e-mail me if you’d like: [email protected]

  P.S.S. Hi MyMichelle! How are you?
• 

  slipnslidemaster

  Hagey,

  I hate to be jaded and negative but punch the button. She may be open about things now, but her being a dub will poke it's ugly head sometime in your life when you least want it too.

  She is brainwashed and that will be hard to over come with her constant exposure to the religion.

  I wish you the best of luck, but I sincerely feel that you move on. It will be alot easier for you in the long run.

  Slipnslidemaster: "The gods too are fond of a joke."
  - Aristotle
• 

  myMichelle

  Hi Stacey,
  Welcome to the board. Glad to hear things are going well. Things are going well here as well. My sweetie has read CoC and is becoming more and more inactive. So far his family is taking it well, and I'm cautiously optimistic.

  Hey Cpiolo! Doing great! Catching up at work and at home after that week off. I was going to email you about this thread, but I see you spotted it.

  Hagey you said,

  Can we not introduce them to both sides of the equation and let them decide for themselves when the time is right for them?

  I used to think like you in respect to this, but you need to be cautioned that what the Watchtower teaches is only they are right. That members of the WTS are in God's Organization and that everyone else is misguided by Satan and in Satan's Organization that includes everyone from babies, Mother Teresa to Hitler. That's what children hear at the KH and that's a hard message to counter, especially if one parent is endorsing it with WT participation.

  The WT vilifies interfaith activities, in fact it's a disfellowshipping offense. Given that, I'm not so certain as to how willing children will be to hear other viewpoints if they are afraid God will be angry for them doing so.

  Sounds to me that you think she is worth fighting for, and I'm not saying she's not. Like Cpiolo said we can only give you insights to our own relationships and let you take from them what you will.

  Good luck and best wishes,
  Michelle
• 

  Ray Skyhorse

  Hagey, your last post reminds me so much of myself. I am a non-JW who ended up marrying a JW. I knew my wife before she joined the Borg. We dated and were lovers in college. I loved her more than life itself. Our love was like a drug. Then she got assimilated. We broke up and she eventually married and divorced a JW. However, they didn't have true love. She contacted me after the divorce and we got married.

  A few weeks ago, our marriage almost ended. The reason: she no longer wanted to have oral sex with me. Said she found it REVOLTING. We have always had oral sex and both of us have enjoyed it. I was very upset by this and suspected that the Borg was behind it. I confronted her about us not having oral sex, and sure enough, my wife had read some jw literature that condems this practise. I tried to get her to compromise, telling her that she had changed and this wasn't fair. We had a real crises on our hands. I thought to myself if my wife isn't willing to compromise on this issue, then we should probably get a divorce. I thought to myself that not only did I not want to go without oral sex the rest of my life, but that if she wasn't able to compromise on an issue that was important to me, then our relationship was over. Fortunately for us, she had a talk with the wife of an elder who told it was ok to have oral sex. This couple had dealt with the issue themselves and the CO said it was ok to have oral sex. What a bunch of crap we went through. It almost ended our marriage.

  Lesson: JWs don't compromise.

  P.S. We now have a six month old son and I know we will have a difficult time raising him. I hope our relationship doesn't crash and burn. (I still love my wife, but it is now a more mature love, not the love one has at the beginning of a relationship). I hope she someday leaves the Borg.