What do I tell my children? (page 3)

rebel8

Nellie, you could try saying what my mother told me when she became JW: "Mommy didn't know all those things were wrong, and now she does, so we're not going to do them any more." Just substitute: "Mommy didn't know all those things ~~were~~ weren't wrong, and now she does, so we're ~~not~~ going to do them ~~any more~~ now."

OK, I'm kidding (a little), but there is a valid point in here: It's ok to tell your kids you made a mistake. They will respect you for admitting it and righting the wrong (an important thing for an adult to be able to do). They will also recognize that the JW beliefs are definitely not of divine origin and will be less likely to cling/return to them in the future.

Nellie

Gary -

That's a scary thought. My heart goes out to you and your wife. May I ask how old were your children when your wife became inactive? I have always spoken to my 18 year old (he's been raised in the truth since birth) honestly about life and when I realized almost 2 years ago that my heart wasn't in meeting attendance, I told him that if he was "making the truth his own" and wanted to get to the meetings that we could arrange something for him - he never took me up on the offer and I never pushed it. After all, how could I encourage him to go when I didn't feel it myself. Anyway we continued to talk and even spoke about why his dad and I had slowed down from our service. He said he understood and had always found a lot of hypocracy in the cong (esp with the young people). He's a good kid who stays out of trouble and who follows the rules. You know, no drinking, no drugs, no sex, doesn't make a practice of cursing, etc. He was always amazed at the conduct of the young witnesses away from the cong. as he saw them at the mall, skating, at school, etc. I think that, more than anything else, discouraged him from getting baptized. He didn't want to be LIKE THEM.

He's not the one I have to tread carefully with. Actually, it's more my 13, 10 and 6 year olds that I'm worried about. I think it would almost be easier if we had been depriving them of "life" for the "truth" - but we've been blowing off so many of their "don't do" activities for so long, that I don't think they realize they shouldn't have been doing them. The don't do activites: playing w/worldly kids, afterschool sports, community activitism (I'm on the Board of Directors in my community and the PTSA), and we even went to a New Years Eve party for 2003 (how I explained that I still don't know - but I felt so guilty we didn't go for 04 or 05).

I think I'm gonna go get COC this weekend - I'm sure once I read that, there will be no turning back! Yikes!

Black Sheep

My father used to go on about how children of Christendom would lose respect for their parents when they found out they had been lying to them about Santa.

If you know that Watchtower God isn't real should you keep it a secret from them?

I look forward to the day when my father owns up that he had stuffed up, but I really think it will never happen.

Whatever you do I wish you well.

Chris

Black Sheep

........and welcome to the board Nellie. I hope you enjoy your time here.

Scully

Nellie

When we decided to leave the JWs, we sat down with our oldest who was able to understand what was happening and talked about the decision.

It was actually very simple. We said something like: "Sometimes moms and dads do things one way because they think it's the right thing to do. Moms and dads don't always know everything there is to know, but when they learn important things it can change how we do things because we know more and can make better choices on what is the right thing to do. Anything we decide to do as a family is what we think is best for our family."

One of the first things we did after that was talk to one of our neighbours (they were "Christians" and completely thrilled about us leaving the JWs) who had a child the same age as ours, and we started doing things with their family, and eventually with other neighbour families. A few months later, we had a birthday party for the oldest - he still remembers that it was the most fun he ever had up until then.

Maybe you're more worried about the older children feeling upset that their younger sibling will get to have what they missed out on in going to or having birthday parties?

Billygoat

Welcome Nellie!

If you were by yourself you could do a fade. But with a family in the JWs you can't fake it. You have to come out and take a stand (with your family, at least). If your children are already involved in the extra-curricular activities you mention, it is highly likely that you are talked about by the idiots in the hall. I gather from your post that you are on the fringes pretty much. You all deserve to be happy. Do what you want. Let them get their piercings, etc. BUT once they run into other JWs in town or wherever, expect a phone call from one of the nobodies in the hall inquiring as to what is happening. Should be interesting.

I think the family meeting and honesty thing is really a good idea. I'm sure you'll do a great job. Good luck! But another thing I don't think has been mentioned...if you just try to do a "fade" with the family and sneak in the Xmas tree or other obviously non-JW things, then it teaches your children to sneak behind people's backs instead of being honest.

Just my thoughts,

Andi

garybuss

Hi Nellie, You wrote:

Gary -
That's a scary thought. My heart goes out to you and your wife. May I ask how old were your children when your wife became inactive?

I have 4 sons, the oldest born 7 years before the youngest. My wife quit associating due to mean treatment by the Witness people in 1984 when my oldest son was 12. She stayed away as a believing walkaway until 1989 when she returned for 5 more years. Our second oldest son went with her in 1989 and he is still a rigid member and shuns us. He was about 14 then.

After walking away in 1974, I read Crisis Of Conscience in 1992 and I really started my recovery then. In 1993 I asked her to please choose between the extramarital affair she was having with the Witness group, and me. She chose the affair and I moved out for 7 months.

During this period our oldest son, 20 was away in college and he became involved with the local Witness group and was baptized . He let the family pay for his college expenses and after graduation shunned the family invitations from 1995 until 2003.

In 1995, my wife listened to audio tapes of a couple being disfellowshipped and she watched the video of Gloria Muscarella, being disfellowshipped by elders, one of them her uncle. She read Crisis Of Conscience in 1995. I've not seen her attend Witness sponsored meetings since.

My story is at http://www.freeminds.org/buss/gary.htm

Our story is not unusual for a family involved with Jehovah's Witnesses. What was slightly unusual for 1995 was the fact that I went public with my Witness story. I set up a recorded message on a dedicated phone line and I gave interviews to newspaper reporters and tv news people.

I'd been mostly anonymous as a Witness and it's one element I critique, so I decided as a former Witness, I would not be anonymous. I found out if there's something I fear loosing, if I give it away, I can't loose it. That has worked well for me. I don't want anyone in my life on any level who would shun or snub me or people who are important to me.

My decisions as a Witness were terrible. I still am paying the consequences for those bad decisions and will be the day I die. There's much I'd redo.

LongHairGal

Gary:

I read your story and you have been through a lot. You are very courageous.
Not just because of being with a mate who is severely ill but to take the time and effort to publicly denounce the JWs. That takes a lot of effort. You are probably one of the ones the WT is afraid of but also criticizes because they say "oh they're just trying to start their own religion" or some other such thing to squelch any curiosity about why such ones leave. They say "apostates" (I hate that word) have a sin of pride. But we know better.

LHG

garybuss

Hi LHG,

I'd gladly start my own religion, I only have a couple issues that may make that slightly difficult:-) #1 may be that I just might not be a theist.

The Watch Tower Society and I have sort of traded dynamics. They used to not care what people said about them and I did care. Now I don't care what they say about me and they do care. It's rather poetic wouldn't you say?

It's rather easy to discredit me, really. The high road toads don't need me and the low road toads think I am a high road toad and they don't want me. There are really very few of us like Randy Watters, Don Cameron, Ron Frye, and I who are visible and available. The Society has really done a very good job of silencing it's critics. Too bad for them I guess, that it didn't work on all of us.

The dark day for the Society in my world was the day I realized they had taken everything away from me that they could take. I had nothing more to loose to them. I've been telling my story and signing my name ever since.

LongHairGal

Gary:

Bravo for you! But I am sorry that they hurt you so. It seems that those that have the most invested (family, etc.) get burned the most!

LHG

What do I tell my children?

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