Hi, I'm brand new to the board and brand new to the realization that JW's do NOT have the truth, so I'm still working on the closure bit. However, I will say that knowledge, real accurate knowledge and not the twisted reasoning from the WT, is what is helping me.
I did the fade. I hadn't thought of it like that when it began, but that's what happened. It started with the TMS. I was under a lot of stress at the time, and it all seemed like a bunch of nonsense; a waste of time. I could literally put together an adequate talk in less than an hour. The school made NO difference in my abilities in the door to door work. I still hated that and stunk at it. So I quit the school. I still went for a while, but I worked ten-hour days and night time meetings really sucked, so I eventually stopped going.
Next was the book study. I was meeting with a group at the KH on Thursday afternoons. Perfect. Lovely group of people with one of the older brothers conducting. I loved it. I told the brothers I loved it. Bad idea. Next thing I knew I was assigned to another book study. Nights, in a dark, cramped livingroom with a wood stove blasting enough heat to make it feel like a sauna. I asked the brothers if I could transfer back to the afternoon KH study, but Nooooo. Have to show submission to the arrangement, don't you know. I slowly stopped going.
All that was left was the Public Talk and Watchtower Study. We all know what the Watchtower Study is like...boring rote answers almost always read straight from the paragraphs. Please, somebody, tell me what the point of that is? Ugh. I'd often skip out the backdoor on days when I couldn't bare to waste another hour farting around listening to people read and re-read what I'd already read. Ugh! The final straw for the Public Talk came when I found myself nodding off during the middle of it one Sunday. I remember waking up on the following Sunday morning and deciding that my heart condition was so bad that there was no point in going. Jehovah knew that I didn't want to be there, what was the purpose in pretending....and that was it.
I'd decided that I was at fault and that I'd return someday. I still thought it was the truth. I've been floating along this way for almost four years. A friend of mine from my previous congregation in Illinois disassociated herself last year. She's been delving into dreaded apostate material for quite some time and just last week sent me one ex-brother's testimony. It struck a cord with me immediately. At first I was upset (oddly enough), but it started me on an exploration of my own and I was stunned at what I've found. It's not the truth! The relief is overwhelming (as is the guilt and embarrassment).
I think, for me, true closure will come when I disassociate myself. I'm fortunate in that I'm the only JW in my family and this impacts them not at all. The few friends I had in this congregation I haven't truly spoken to for the past two years. My best friends from my first congregation are either already out or on their way. It's just a shame it took us 15 - 16 years to see this organization for what it really is.
Eeek...this is long. Sincere apologies!
Sheesh, I know html, but I'm worried that this is going to post wrong. Hope not.
