Shunning my Husband

AuntieJane

OK, I am not a JW, never was, neither was he. But today I am shunning him. Yesterday he went to a car show with a friend and drove home intoxicated. Let's see, he was gone 12 hours, probably drank about 8 of those, and drove to a different show in the middle of the day! STUPID.

We are OLD folks, I have been thru this in yrs past with him but I am NOT wanting to have to deal with this in our retirement years (about 4 years away). SO today I am shunning him and I will feel guilty about it later on. He won't apologize, according to past history. Days will pass and I will say my speech and life will go on. Thanks for letting me vent.

bikerchic

Sorry you are going through this AuntieJane, that sucks! Yes he was stupid to drive after drinking but IMHO you need to sit him down and talk to him. If you don't he will fill in the blanks of the silence and you might not like his version because it will mostly be about him justifying his actions.

Lack of communication is the beginning breakdown of a relationship. If you still picture yourself married to this man in your retirement years I highly suggest you talk things out and come to a workable agreement for the good of your marriage.

Just my .02.

Kate

NewLight2

((((((((AuntieJane)))))))

Is it his drinking that you're upset with or his attendening the car show all day long?

NewLight2

Ellie

I have been through many a similar experience with my partner, he would constantly stay out with his friends getting drunk, talking never helped and neither did shunning.

If we talked we argued, he would storm out, get drunk and we would go round in circles till I gave in, if I shunned him I would start to feel sorry for him, then feel guilty and hate myself.

Then one night he went out, got drunk, got arrested and ended up in prison for 4 months, now hes home hes a reformed character.

Maybe you should just try to overlook his behaviour, I know its easier said than done, but otherwise all you are going to do is upset yourself, and hope he changes by himself.

Its either that or maybe think about divorce or seperation if he doesn't change, I know thats a bit extreme but its so difficult living with someone who behaves like that.

Bryan

Sorry to hear it AuntieJane. It can cause a lot of tention in the family not to mention someones life. I hope he understands and learns a bit more control. Though, you know, if this has not happened in years, perhaps he just let his gaurd down and realizes he needs to be more careful. Personally I don't like the shunning thing. Communication is always best in my book.

Hope things get better.

Bryan

Have You Seen My Mother

AuntieJane

I hate the shunning thing, and No, I was glad he went to the car show. It's the drinking...getting DRUNK and putting others in danger, not caring what I'll think about it...not caring what he could do to someone else...not caring about losing our insurance, etc.

About 1/2 hr ago he asked me if I'd like to go golfing today. I said, maybe later this evening; he asked why not now. I said I wasn't really wanting to spend time with him today because of the way he came home last nite. ( I DID talk to him last night, but if any of you have talked to a drunk, it is wasted words).

He kind of smiled. I said, "I mean it, and you know where I am coming from. It was a stupid thing to do, and I know from past experience you don't want to talk about it, so I'm Not going to anymore right now either. You can think about it."

I've been doing some housework and he just went outside. I'm not sitting at the computer, but will check for any new posts.

I think after all these yrs he should know how to apologize, but, I do expect if and when he says anything it will be turned around at me.

thanks,everyone, I appreciate your help here.

AuntieJane

hmmm. I lightened up a bit, told him about an email we got from friends. he was packing a little cooler with soda and water; I asked where he was going. "golf course" he mumbled. and left. See...I will be blamed. Not a word like "Im sorry, come along with me"...Happy Mother's Day...No, just out the door he went. Ass*ole. Sorry, I need venting, hate using this board for my personal issue... I'll get on with my day.

Thanks all,

AJ

notperfectyet

Hi AuntieJane,

I am sorry you are going through this. I did it for 19 years.

Bikerchic and Sphere have given great advice.

No shunning, communication is the best, he doesn't listen? You are right, talking to someone who is drunk gets you no where.

Join Alanon, drinking is the problem. He is sorry today, and trying to make up, but has no idea why you are angry because he made it home...again after having a great time. Then he comes home to find you giving him the silent treatment. My ex use to tell me, why would I come home or call? You were mad already.

Alanon helps with getting your own life, in your post all you said was what "our" plans are. He is not following those plans. Like Sphere said, get your life back, he will notice and not use you as a scapegoat as why he doesn't come home.

Big problem in a little post, but I hope it helps.

HadEnuf

I'm sorry you had to go thru this AuntieJane, especially on Mother's Day. Some people NEVER change. I really don't know what else to say except I feel for you and hope that someday, sometime, somehow...you might get through to him. Usually though, once a jerk, always a jerk. (And I know he probably would never consider counseling either)!

Big hug ...Cathy L.

Sunspot

(((((Auntie Jane))))

I went through this nonsense about ten years ago. It always seemed to escalate when I was getting ready for an assembly. Things were unsaid---but very unpredictable at that time. Even the kids knew that the seas around here would get rough every time there was something going on where WE would go off and do something together---and he wouldn't. Then it would start---the bowling alley and the drinking.

HE was the one with the hangover, HE was the one who felt lousy and HE knew what chances he was taking by driving home that way. I never said a word because in the years before that---it never did anything more but to compound the problem, and HE would stalk out the door just as your hubby did.

Hopefully he'll stop the foolish behavior on his own (you KNOW he knows that he was in the wrong but won't admit to it) and be done with it. Thankfully and hopefully this is behind us now, and just as hopefully, this problem in your household will fade away too. Sometimes it just TAKES time---for them to wise up.

BIG hugs,

Annie

Shunning my Husband

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