Shunning my Husband (page 2)

luna2

AJ, so sorry hubby is being such a dick. Ugh! I like the advice about going out, doing something you enjoy and not wasting any more time stressing about him today. If you could manage not to be home when he gets back from the golf course, all the better. Looking into Alanon is also a super idea.

NewLight2

Auntie Jane,

Why are sore now that he has gone off alone to the golf course? He invited you to come along earlier in the day, but you declined. So why are you now saying 'See...I will be blamed.' How many times do you think that he needs to 'invite' you to come along?

Sure he was wrong to 'drink and drive' last night, but instead of 'shunning' him today, why not talk to him about getting a non-drinking buddy to do the driving next time?

If drinking is a problem for him, why not encourage him to get some help for his addiction?

'Shunning' or giving someone the 'silent treatment' only makes the person shunned feel all the more powerless and it always, ALWAYS increases the anger that they are feeling. Shunning NEVER has a positive outcome. It just makes the person who is DOING the shunning feel more powerful.

NewLight2

Charisma

sorry you had to go through that Jane. I can't add any better advice than has been given, but ((((hug)))))

AuntieJane

NL2 Why are sore now that he has gone off alone to the golf course? He invited you to come along earlier in the day, but you declined. So why are you now saying 'See...I will be blamed.' How many times do you think that he needs to 'invite' you to come along?

I made the choice to not spent time w. him today, what's wrong with that? I'm mad at him for his actions. I wasn't upset that he went ahead and went...just the way that he did it; seems like since I was honest with him about how I felt (and I didn't blow up about it)...that he could humble himself and apologize before he left.
Sure he was wrong to 'drink and drive' last night, but instead of 'shunning' him today, why not talk to him about getting a non-drinking buddy to do the driving next time?

OK, just Like I have a hundred times before huh? Interesting, the buddies he chooses to hang with all drink like he does.

If drinking is a problem for him, why not encourage him to get some help for his addiction?

I am going to bring this up today.

'Shunning' or giving someone the 'silent treatment' only makes the person shunned feel all the more powerless and it always, ALWAYS increases the anger that they are feeling. Shunning NEVER has a positive outcome. It just makes the person who is DOING the shunning feel more powerful.

I agree; I hate shunning. I don't want to feel powerful. I want to make a statement. I'm tired of putting up w. this immature behaviour. Very tired.

thanks for your input.

NewLight2

AJ,

I'm sorry if I sounded too harsh about his going golfing alone today, but I thought that that was why you said, 'See...I will be blamed.'. I see nothing wrong with spending a day apart, if that is what both of you want to do today.

Your situation sounds like you could find some help and comfort in a group like AL A Non (sp).

NewLight2

purplesofa

Auntie Jane,

I was married to an alcoholic for 10 years, he absolutely exhauted me. He made countless promises to stop drinking and when he did stop for short periods of time, he was actually tolerable and likable. But the drinking always came back, and I was losing myself.

We have been divorced for 17 years. I would say about 8 years ago he was drunk and had a wreck in his truck, which was on the news here, he had to take Medflight to the hospitol. He broke his neck. and I don't know what all else. Three days before this happened he got a DWI.

He was shot by one of his wives in a drunken bout. He still drinks, he has pushed away all his kids and anyone that is worth having a relationship with. Been married 4 times. The kids tell me he does admit he has a problem, but I know he will never do anything about it.

Your husband is fortunate to have you. You probably have kept the problem from escalating with you solid thinking. What I found that happened with me is that I used all the resources I had trying to save him and then I was in trouble. It took me years to heal from the damage done.

Maybe some sort of support would be good for YOU. Of course you love your husband, but a sickness like this can be draining to the person that is not sick......Just like any other kind of sickness.

Maybe today you just needed to take time out for yourself, and that's ok!!

Take good care of yourself,

purps

Sith

I absolutely agree with Purps. You are the best thing your husband has going for him, and probably his best hope. If he is an alcoholic...and only HE can determine that...then there's nothing you can do to change it. Only he can. In fact, that's the first step of AA. Admitting that you are powerless. Only he can do that. Most alcoholics are in denial, and don't want to discuss it. Pick up some AA literature and leave it where he can find it. And join Alanon, as notperfectyet suggested. It's a great organization, where people really care about you. It's about empowerment. As the serenity prayer says, "change the things you can". And there's really only one thing in life that you cange change...you

AuntieJane

Thanks Sith. The Serenity prayer has always been a favorite of mine. I've had a couple family members in AA; things are going better but we haven't discussed the episode. After 35 yrs, we probalby have a pattern, but I'm getting tired of it. BTW, you have such a scary looking Avatar but certainly have nice posts (well, at least THIS time you did...Thank you!)

AJ

Sith

Hi Janie, I'm so glad you're back. I would like to pass on my wisdom (such as it is). There is nothing you can do to change your husband. If he is an alcoholic, he will always be one. Fact of life. There's nothing you, or anyone else that loves him, can do for him. He is what he is, and only he can change that. Not you, not his mom, not his kids, not his best friend. Nobody. First thing is...don't blame yourself. He's not drinking because of you. He's probably drinking in spite of you. He's drinking because he hurts, and doesn't know why. Don't feel sorry for him. Alcoholics thrive on pity. Be strong, take care of yourself first. He's thinking about himself. You need to think about yourself.

Golden Girl

I would point out the consequences to him. Think of many senareos and paint a picture for him. Example: You could have an accident and NOT die but get paralyzed!
I would be the one taking care of you..would you like that?..You wouldn't be able to move and I could talk to you as much as I want..say what I want for as long as I want and you wouldn't be able to move..It would kind of be like your own hell on earth!..Then laugh!
"you would depend on me to eat..go to the bathroom ..and get washed the rest of your life..would you want that?"

Put him in different positions..point out the many consequences..paint a picture to show how real this could be to him.

He could go to jail..picture prison life to him..explain these things can and will happen if you continue to get drunk and drive.

If he has a wreck... insurance may not cover it if he is drinking! Did he know that? He would lose everything he has worked for all his life! Picture poverty to him. Not having any money to go out to eat..or go to games or shows..maybe lose his home...car..it would all go towards the lawsuit from the accident or the family of a lost family member he had killed in the wreck!

He has to think how it would effect him personally..because that's all he's thinking about..himself ..

Snoozy..who is going through the same thing with a grown daughter.

I would also see a lawyer about protecting any assets you may have..also any pension he may get!

You could lose all of it! I would also talk rationally to him ablout some kind of plan if he gets drunk when out. Make sure he has a taxi number for someone to call..have taxi money available..or and make sure someone is a designated driver for him.

Shunning my Husband

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