by Check_Your_Premises 20 Replies latest jw experiences
In the 1970's the National Lampoon printed a satire of Awake! entitled Wise Up!
It had a picture of a paradise Earth where the faithfull are enjoying BLTs and the wicked are transformed into reptiles.
The election of Chester A. Arthur as President was included in a chart of events foretold in the Bible.
Robert Stock:
ROFLMAO.
You don't have the copy still, by any chance???
---Dan
Unfortunately my copy was thrown away by a brother with no sense of humor, but not before I showed it to several friends at the Kingdom Hall.
Great idea. Coming up with comic material would be simple! Just throw in old Golden Age articles without changing them a bit!
In the spirit of "The Onion":
Young Pioneer Sister Counseled for Appearing ?Too Hippiesh?
NORTHERN CALIFORNIA ? Eighteen year old pioneer sister Sally Barker was invited into the second school after the Service Meeting by Elders Jim Smith and Bill Brown last Thursday night for some loving counsel regarding her appearance.
After a brief prayer asking for Jehovah?s guidance, Brother Smith started the discussion by commending Sister Barker for her excellent use of connectives during her number three talk earlier that evening. He then informed Sister Barker that a number of the older sisters in the congregation were expressing concern over her style of dress, which they considered to be overly ?hippiesh?. ?We certainly appreciate your desire for modesty and we?re happy that we are not here counseling you about wearing your skirts too SHORT. However, some of the sisters feel that the crinkly texture and long length of a number of your service dresses and skirts may give householders the wrong impression that Jehovah?s people are somehow associated with, or endorse, the hippy movement. We certainly wouldn?t want to be giving that impression, would we??
Sister Barker sat in stunned silence while Brother Brown joined the discussion. ?Additionally, we feel that your long, straight hair may be giving worldly ones the wrong notion. We are sure you would agree it would show a humble, theocratic attitude if you cut your hair and got a perm. We realize that a perm may be expensive on your current part-time, minimum wage income, but we?re sure that Sister Brown and Sister Smith would be happy to assist you with a home perm kit.
?While we?re on the subject, we?d like to bring up your vehicle. Your Volkswagen Beetle not only does not have the recommended four doors, it certainly reinforces the whole hippy image that we are concerned you may be inadvertently portraying. I?m sure that Jehovah would answer a heartfelt prayer if you were to approach him regarding finding an affordable, used four-door Toyota Camry with 300,000 miles on it.
?Another thing that has been brought to our attention is your recent conversion to vegetarianism. I?m sure you are aware that the Israelites ate meat regularly and that even Jesus himself turned one fish into many to feed the masses. We feel that this ?vegetarian? fad is certainly going ?beyond the things which have been written? and bringing reproach on Jehovah?s name. In addition, we are concerned that the lack of protein in your diet may be contributing to fatigue and the fact that you?ve been a few hours short on your time these past few months.?
?Finally, we have been informed by your pioneer partner that you have been encouraging your parents to recycle aluminum and plastic containers at home, as well as newspapers. We must keep in mind that Jehovah will destroy those destroying the earth at Armageddon. Wasting time on these hippy-related environmental programs is simply serving as a distraction from the more important things. We strongly encourage that you discontinue the recycling and instead spend the time on personal study.
?In conclusion, Sister Barker, we commend you for your willing spirit in Jehovah?s service. We are confident that with a few minor changes to your wardrobe, hair, diet, vehicle, and personal practices, you will continue to please Jehovah and set a fine example for the youth in the congregation.?
-sadly, based on a true story.
ugh, what idiots... constantly beating everyone down for everything. There is no such thing as "Up to a Christen Conscience" is there?
Botchtower and Herald of
Jove's Witness Protection Program
August 15,2004Should Christians Answer Rhetorical Questions?
What does the Bible Say?
Asking questions is an excellent way to make honest inquiry for the purpose of satisfying a healthy curiousity, educating our minds with accurate knowledge and increasing our awareness of facts about our planet, daily life and how we can improve our ability to protect ourselves and our loved ones from the ravages of disease, threats of terror and even the pitfalls of run-on sentences! (Matthew 24:14)
Yet, Christians must be aware that exercising their freedom to make such inquiries, while seemingly innocent, can lead to their ultimate destruction at the battle of the great day of God the Almighty! How so? Let us examine, in a spirit of humility and submission, exactly what the holy scriptures and, more importantly, Jehovah's 'faithful and discreet slave' at the Governing Body of his clean and happy fruit-filled organization rightly view the subject while simultaneously avoiding the pitfalls of running ahead of His 'mighty ones' who seemingly pull these things out of their body cavities! [Matthew 24:14]
The Dangers of Understanding Why You are being controlled
Worldy people, ravaged by goat-like stubborness and reeking with the stench of Satan's visible organization's harlot-like influence, have many facts at their command because of higher education and listening to propaganda-filled onslaughts of Public Radio and the wicked-spirit filled influence of unrighteous Internet based blogs and apostacy-laced websites who wrongly expose the false prophecies and feckless date-setting of Jah's slave class.
[Matthew 24:14]
But, does this lead to true happiness? The members of Jehovah's ark like organization of Noah-type family members who 'wait on Jehovah' and avoid such secular pollution all answer "NO!" because they are instructed to answer thusly by their extensive exposure to the 'Truth that leads to eternal life"and the threat of disfellowshipping. (Matthew 24:14]
While the dying old system of things around them promises a bright future if they work hard, get a "good" education and plan for a brighter tomorrow by careful investments and the cultivation of a network of savvy financial consultants, worldy people seem to have much easier lives than Jehovah's Happy people! But, do they really? [Matthew 24:14]
Jehovah's happy, contented, sheeplike proclaimers of the joyful news about the established kingdom of God which has been in place since 1874, 1914 and perhaps other times, all realise that having a pot to pee in and a Watchtower magazine are all an honest-hearted Christian really needs for genuine happiness! [Matthew 24:14]
The reason for this is most obvious to any bible-trained, sheep-like hypenated Christian seeker of indoctrination at the hands of the anointed class of corporate bully boys and aging, latter-day anti-types of Old Testament servants of old who were foreordained from the "foundation of the world'. [Matthew 24:14]
Jonadabs, other sheep and Betty Boop publishers who follow their slave master Jesus' instruction to "Go therefore and preach the good news of the Watchtower (New World Translation] for a Jehovah's Witness to all the nations".
[Gnostic Gospel of Marvin 2:13] have learned to ask, "How high" when instructed to "Jump", by their owner and operator, aka Michael the Arch Angel, alias Immanuel, formerly known as Prince.
How Much?
Wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? What does the Bible say? Does it matter? It is what the Brooklyn cadre manage to invent that really matters, isn't it? Sure! [Matthew 24:14]
How Long?
W
hen will all the madness end and Paradise begin? Only Jehovah's wife knows the answer to that one! And what do all the scriptures from Genesis to 2nd Macabees reveal to honest inquiry? Depends on what you mean by "what?"
Only Jehovah's happy, sappy, goofy people have the accurate knowledge from their examination of the Great Pyramind of Cheops! Yes, that's right! NEW LIGHT, brothers! More NEW LIGHT! [Matthew 24:14]
We know it looks like 'Old Light" which was "Present Truth" but passed into disrepute and vanished for awhile--but, it is so darned fascinating we brought it back for a six week run off Broadway (which the Society recently purchased along with the NY Stock Exchange] and here is what a careful measurement of the passages tells us.
The Witness in Stone
From the base of the pyramid to the prefrontal lobe on a tangent to the Caesarian section of the conical, we find a distance of 2004 cubits, one bushel and two pecks. Quite naturally this reveals in the spirit of truth at the direction of the big guy in the sky that we are living in END TIMES! Does this shock you? It does us! This is just too freakin weird not to be true! How appropriate if it were true! We need it to be true! We all do! The collections have been down since the 1975 debacle and we sure need something to juice up the brothers! And speaking of juice; did you know prune juice can cure cancer? But, don't cook it in an aluminum pot!
Beware of Apostates!
N
aturally there are going to be a bunch of Satan inspired apostates out there in goat-land who will scoff and ridicule the New World Society for yet another wacky prediction based on nothing more than flagging revenues and a lame premise; however, true Christians won't allow mere common sense to intrude into the holly jolly protective fart-bubble that the Watchtower brainiacs have concocted out of whole cloth. [Matthew 24:14] No. "No way", Jah say.
But, what is an Apostate? Why, anybody who pisses us off by asking embaressing questions, that's who! Former walkers in the light who have forsaken the shining path of righteous and traded it in (with a $200 rebate] for the darkness of khaki'-colored Satan-dom, know they have a 'short time left' and seek to destroy the multi-billion dollar empire of Gawd Amighty! They point out our inconsistencies, our feckless chronology, our doctrinal changes, our crackdown on honest-inquiry and our Wal-Mart fashion stylings for the sole purpose of making us look like false prophets! But, we cannot be False Prophets! False Prophets loose face because they are always wrong. Jehovah's Anointed slave forbids brothers and sisters all over Spaceship Earth to acknowledge our errors, or else! Brothers and sisters of the true faith of Abraham, Isaac, and Freddy, join hands, turn away from such facts and, instead, do the Hokey Pokey to the somnolent strains of synthesized Kingdom Tunes on midi-files available at your local Kingdom Hall literature counter for a love-offering of $195.
Now is the Time!
For every good man to come to the aid of his corporate sponsor! Give generously of your time, your talents, your youth and especially your estate as we enter the last few seconds of this wicked, dying old system! Obviously this means there is no time to waste on activities of the flesh such as buying groceries, clipping toenails or visits to the potty! No! Now is the time to preach, teach, declare, proclaim, inveigh, prod, poke, cajole, incite, bugger, flip-off, eat a bug, and take a flying leap for the King of Jehovah's new transitional, money-back guranteed, no-nonsense, low-carb, high octane New Order of Jehovah-bots. [Matthew 24:14]
Will You Be There?
On the day all the birds of heaven gather to munch eyeballs and pick the rancid flesh of those slaughtered gleefully at Armageddon by the loving, sword-weilding killer angels of Jah, will you be one of the rotting corpses of putrefying flesh; or, will you be doing the Lambada with the buxom Kingdom babes in God's new paradise arrangement where all the Governing Body will live like kings with 24 virgins, caviar, and a crate of the bubbly?
Did Jah fire six shots; or only five? Well, seeing how'z his Abbadon with the sword is the most powerful assassain angel in the world and can cut your head clean off....you've gotta ask yourself a question! Do you feel lucky? Well, do you punk? If you don't, then maybe you need to scoot your worthless butt down to the local Kingdom Emporium of Bible babble and shell out some hard cash for our life-saving literature. It might mean the difference between life and death! But, remember, no facial hair! It could stumble the weaker brothers. [Matthew 24:14]
[Questions for Watchtower study]
1.Who is John Galt? How did the prophet Jeremiah pre-figure his shrug?
2.Why do diet drinks taste so artificial? Does this tie look okay with this shirt?
3.In view of the admonition in James 2:14, how should Christians do the Funky Chicken?
4.Will the United Nations ever send back my bookbag I left there while doing research in their Satanic library?
5.Wrongdoers in the congregation of God--how do we keep them out of the newspapers?
6.Brother Fugbutton has a sloping forehead; does this mean he'd make a good Presiding Elder?
7.If an elder predicts that a sister will pay for breast implants; does this make him a Falsie prophet?
8.What's good on TV tonight after the Westwing?
lol, nice post Terry
That's TOO good, Terry! That could slip totally unnoticed into an Awake!
Beautiful.
Dave
This is the crown jewel if you ask me
If an elder predicts that a sister will pay for breast implants; does this make him a Falsie prophet?
You have to spend alot of mindnumbing hours in a KH trying to amuse yourself to come up with a gem like that.
Nice work Terry!
