No longer innocent

by fairchild 31 Replies latest jw friends

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  fairchild

  We are now approaching the year 2005, I am again going to all the meetings and most of my friends are JW's. However, I don't feel that 'love' for God, and I certainly don't feel that he listens when I pray, which I do every day. After talking about this with an elder, he suggested I study some more, and I am currently studying the book 'worship the true God'. Everybody is always real nice to me at the kingdom hall and I like hanging out with people after the meetings. Yet, in my mind there's this little voice that says I'm not worthy and Jehovah does not approve of me.

  A thousand posts later..

  The above is a part, taken out of my first post on JWD. A thousand posts later, things have changed a bit. JWD offered some eye-opening thoughts here and there, enough to see that I was walking along the wrong path. I stopped going to the meetings two weeks after my initial post on JWD, but made one exception for the memorial, which I attended. I brought my own bread to the memorial and ate it while the emblems were being passed around. The Lord did say "do this in remembrance of me", He did not say "Just pass it around and let only my chosen ones partake". I stored my "true worship" book with some old books in the basement. I also bought a King James version of the bible and put the NWT aside. I've had my doubts and have even considered going back to the meetings, in spite of the things learned on JWD. One of the things that kept me from going back is the fact that not a single one of the JWs has called or stopped by, asking why I'm not going to the meetings anymore, or simply asking how I am doing. They don't seem to care about a person's well being, all they care about is another number to count for meeting attendance. Am I happier? No, I'm not, and I actually miss going to the meetings. Against better judgment, I still feel as if I have failed somewhere along the road. God still does not listen to my prayers, and I still don't feel the "love" for God. It's been a long journey, thank you all for walking with me for a little while.

  Chris
• 

  RunningMan

  The truth will set your free.
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  Crumpet

  Congratulations on 1000 posts Chris!

  I'm sorry you to still feel an emptiness, but give it time. Every now and again I get a tug and wish I still went to a church of sorts, but its just nostalgia. I also wish the A team and Dukes of Hazzard and the Pink Panther show were screened on Saturday evenings after the football results. ;-)

  Have you found other things, hobbies, charity work, ambitions, family to occupy your time that you used to spend slaving for the WBTS? Surely that would make a difference... it wouldnt necessarily make up for the loss of the God image but there are far better friends who will listen and help and care than God. A weekend with my friends brings me more love, joy and satisfaction than a whole 16 years of praying and studying.

  Hope you find fulfillment.

  crumpet x
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  blondie

  Your saber is at home in my closet. I'll post it this evening.

  Blondie
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  AlanF

  I was in that limbo state for awhile, too, Chris. Eventually I figured out that there ain't nobody up there listening. You have no idea how freeing that realization is. As RunningMan said:

  The truth will set you free.

  AlanF
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  pennycandy

  Crumpet is right. Every facet of a witness's life is built around the organization. When you take it away, there's not much left. You have to fill that void somehow.

  What needs did the org try to fill? Social? Then you need to rebuild your social life. Intellectual? Then you need to find something else to study. Spiritual? You need to find another way to express your spirituality or to worship.

  It takes time to figure out where you want to go with your life after the witnesses. Just enjoy your freedom, make the most of your life, and let your new belief system form as it will.
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  fairchild

  Runningman, I believe that the truth sets us free, it is just a matter of finding the truth.

  Crumpet and Pennycandy, Leaving the org didn't actually leave a visible void perse. I'm one of those people who could use days that contain 40 hours instead of 24. Always too much to do. I really had to make lots of efforts to find time to attend all the meetings and other JW related events. Many times, I'd come right from work, change clothes in the car, go to the meeting, change clothes in the car again and go back to work after the meeting. In that aspect, not going to the meetings has made my life much more simple. It is more of a spiritual emptiness that I'm feeling.

  Blondie, the saber won't scare my cat, will it?

  AlanF, how long is 'eventually'?
• 

  Sunspot

  It is more of a spiritual emptiness that I'm feeling.

  MANY exJWs feel this way. Some wish to pursue it, others don't. We all have to be true to ourselves.

  I just gave it some time, and began reading the New Testament on my own (different bible) and I concentrated on the Gospels for the most part.

  Not having to read scriptures on someone else's schedule (and not having TONS of other material that must be read each week), I was free to lets things be absorbed and more clearly understood. It's very enlightening!

  hugs,

  Annie
• 

  rebel8

  I brought my own bread to the memorial and ate it while the emblems were being passed around.

  LOL! That must have been a sight to see!

  Am I happier? No, I'm not, and I actually miss going to the meetings. Against better judgment, I still feel as if I have failed somewhere along the road. God still does not listen to my prayers, and I still don't feel the "love" for God.

  You've only been out of the borg for 6 months. Give it time. You will be happier.

  What is behind the idea that you have failed? Is it because you believe God is not listening to your prayers? If so--

  There is no proof he listens to anyone's prayers. Join the crowd.

  Ask yourself this: Could a person be truly happy if there was no God? The answer is yes. Once you believe that, you can take the time to honestly examine whether or not there is enough evidence to believe in Him or not. Whatever answer you come up with is fine. If you conclude He doesn't exist, then focus your life on being a good person and living a life worth living. If you conclude He does exist but not in the dubs, determine what type of relationship you want with God and pursue that, but whatever you do, pursue a path that involves relying on your own sense of right and wrong rather than manmade rules. Spending your entire life trying to please God and avoid God's punishment--by following manmade rules--is not a life worth living.
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  Swan

  Good journey to you!

  It does get easier, eventually. How long eventually is depends on the individual and what is learned along the way.

  Tammy