How do you feel about it when a formally together couple split up and one of them talks really bad about the other to the children just to get the kids on thier side and to turn them against the other in revenge to sooth hurt feeling?
Mates that trash the other parnter in front of the children
by frankiespeakin 26 Replies latest jw friends
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whyamihere
I hate it when my Mom does it to me. It breaks my heart because I love my Dad.
I don't care I love my Dad!
Brooke
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frankiespeakin
Good for you Brooke, don't let other people turn you against your dad.
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Maverick
I hated to see married people trash each other when they were cool with each other. It is no less wrong to put the children in the middle of their parents' divorce. My ex and I had it written in the divorce decree not to do this but the woman had no problem violating that than she did the marrage vows.
Remember that person you are trashing is the childs parent, their mother or father! And also think about this, you picked them, so what does your trashing them say about your ability to judge people?
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nilfun
One of the most disagreeable tactics used during the breakup of a relationship. This harmful type of maneuvering usually back-fires, in time. Unfortunately, a lot of damage is done to the children in the process.
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DazedAndConfused
I hate it!
When I was divorced I swore that I would never do that.
However...I did do that on a number of occasions with my adult children. At the time I stated how I felt, it was to my best friends talking about my own hurt. Did not go over well. I now try to keep my opinions to myself.
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frankiespeakin
D&C,
It's hard to draw the borderline isn't it? Especially when deep emotions are felt.
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Dogpatch
Here is the first part of a real good article on that subject:
The Cult of Parenthood: A Qualitative Study of Parental Alienation
Amy J. L. Baker, Ph.D.
Abstract
Forty adults who were alienated from a parent as a child participated in a qualitative research study about their experience. A content analysis was conducted on the transcripts and a comparison was undertaken to identify similarities between alienating parents and cult leaders. Results revealed that adults whose parents alienated them from their other parent described the alienating parent much the way former cult members describe cult leaders. The alienating parents were described as narcissistic and requiring excessive devotion and loyalty, especially at the expense of the targeted parent. The alienating parents also were found to utilize many of the same emotional manipulation and persuasion techniques cult leaders use to heighten dependency on them. And, finally, the alienating parents seemed to benefit from the alienation much the way cult leaders benefit from the cult: they have excessive control, power, and adulation. Likewise, the participants reported many of the same negative outcomes that former cult members experience such as low self-esteem, guilt, depression, and lack of trust in themselves and others. These findings can provide a useful framework for conceptualizing the experience of parental alienation and should also be useful for therapists who provide counseling and treatment to adults who experienced alienation as a child.
Each year approximately one million couples divorce. Many of these divorces involve children. Research has consistently shown that children whose parents divorce suffer emotionally and psychologically, especially when the divorce is contentious and the children are exposed to ongoing conflict between their parents (e.g., Amato, 1994; Johnston, 1994, Wallerstein & Blakeslee, 1996; Wallerstein & Lewis, 2004). Amato (1994), building on an earlier meta-analysis of 92 studies, concluded that children who experienced divorce, compared to samples of children in continuously intact two-parent families, had higher rates of negative outcomes including conduct problems, psychological maladjustment, and poorer self-concepts. Using a qualitative approach, Wallerstein and Lewis (2004) also found long-term negative consequences of children’s experience of parental divorce.
One subset of children of divorce considered most at risk for negative outcomes are those experiencing ongoing post-divorce conflict (Garrity & Baris, 1994, Turkat, 2002). The children in these families are at risk of being subjected to some form of parental alienation in which one parent turns the child against the other parent through powerful emotional manipulation techniques designed to bind the child to them at the exclusion of the other –targeted -- parent (Darnall, 1998; Gardner, 1998; Garrity & Baris, 1994; Warshak, 2001). These alienating parents undermine the independent thinking skills of their children and cultivate an unhealthy dependency designed to satisfy the emotional needs of the adult rather than the developmental needs of the child (Warshak, 2001).
The whole article is at: http://www.freeminds.org/psych/cultofparenthood.htm
Randy
Net Soup! http://www.freeminds.org
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frankiespeakin
Thanks Randy, I think the essay is pretty good and is very much related to this thread.
Possesiveness to me is one of our accepted evils that is just pure insanity and does no one any good. I've been in situations where I was manipulated by someone who wanted to get even with someone else I'm sure we all have. It is nice to have several views of this subject and the methods used to manipulate.
I'm no angel and I always catch my self doing some things to manipulate in some way and try (I think?) to avoid it and some times it creates real funny reactions from me as I clumbsly try to correct it. Anyway I think we all should try never to manipulate people unless we are a salesman and that is are job to make a living.
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whyamihere
This is for those that do it................
Every time my Mother or Father would say something bad about the other person I remembered. I remember what I was wearing or doing... I remember everything about that Moment. I remember every word every hole in the wall ......everything. In life there are things you forget but I never forgot about that.
It rips your heart out and it is unbearable. You know how much you love your child. Well that's how we feel about our parents, It's like talking horribly about your child to their sibling. It hurts. More than you will ever know.
I love my Daddy very very Much! My mom has called him a loser a bastard good for nothing son of a Bitch....then turns around and says I am just like him.
Please think before you speak and think how much you love your kids and how you wouldn't want anyone to say anything awful about them. Before you bash their Mother or Father.
Brooke