Mates that trash the other parnter in front of the children (page 3)

Crumpet

Brooke thanks for explaining how it feels when this happens. My partner has a child and he never says anything personal or nasty about the mother in front of his daughter or in her hearing. However I do - I don't have any personal animosity about the mother particularly apart from for hurting my partner - she was out of the picture years and years before I met him. However I do find it hard to hold back by scathing criticism of her idea of motherhood - which involves leaving her little girl lice ridden for 6 months. We only see her once every two weeks and had spend nearly the whole weekend treating her hair only for her to return with it as bad as before two weeks later. The list is endless but what I should do is hold my tongue and this little girl is intelligent and hopefully will see this for herself when she grows up.

And I never call the mother "evil bitch from hell"... out loud!

Chia

Oh Crumpet, that is terrible.

I hate it when my Mom does it to me. It breaks my heart because I love my Dad.
I don't care I love my Dad!

Brooke, my thoughts exactly. My mom does the same thing. Well, she did when we were speaking. Including telling me that my father was "an agent of Satan" and that Satan was using my dad to get me to stop serving Jehovah. So she was on Jehovah's side and my dad was Satan's helper. But now I see the real truth. Not that my mom is totally evil, but she just made herself look bad, at least in my eyes, by being so bitter. It's hard to fathom having a relationship with her in the future. I remember the good times, I love her, but I don't want to be the kind of mother to my children that she was to me. I want to take her good qualities, but hopefully not her bad ones. Being a pawn in your parents' game is awful. The pain is with me to this day.

Markfromcali

I think the egocentrisity of the person is the main cause of this grief

I agree Frankie.

When we take a step back, we can see how the emotional involvement is the common denominator in this kind of situation. One side may be feeling anger, and the other side sorrow, but both sides are involved emotionally. I certainly don't think anyone should repress their emotions or anything, but not getting lost in them is a big part of it. Regardless of the position, this kind of situation elicits that egocentricity, even if it is a righteous and kind egocentricity. This is why I love this Sufi quote, quite a contrast:

Give me freedom to fly without a shadow,
Give me freedom to sing without an echo,
and to love without leaving traces.

Nosferatu

My parents have been doing this all my life, and they're still married. I guess they got what they deserved; I don't love either of them.

My mother still does this to my half-brother. Lately, whenever he comes into town (he's a truck driver), he stays at my place and doesn't let my parents know he's here. He told me he's sick of my mother putting his father down. I don't blame him for what he's doing.

PaulJ

My ex is like this with our children. I say that, I think she has gotton better recently, but it used to be awful. The kids didnt know what to think when i was looking after them at the weekends, it was like they were brainwashed for 5 days before i had them again! Fortunately they knew me well enough i think to realise how much i love them. I just wouldnt dream of doing the same to my ex.

CoonDawg

I take great pains to avoid this with my daughter. Her mom the "good Christian" seems to have no problem telling our daughter in round about terms how I'm not fit to be around and that her step dad is more the "spiritual" dad than I am. I've spent tons in attorney's fees and probably just as much in therapy bills...yet her mom can't see that this is bound to produce a seriously f*cked up child.

Ern

Mystery

I left my husband when my sons were 3 & 4.

I did not trash my ex in front of my sons.

He, however, played mind games with them and trashed me at every opportunity.

My sons would get mad at me and tell me that they were going to live with their dad and that there was nothing i could do to stop them. I would tell them that it was their choice and that they had a decision to make.

Now they are 16 & 17; they now understand why I left him, not by me telling them but due to the way he trashed me and to the many times he has let them down.

Don't get me wrong, it was very hard at times to keep my mouth shut. Especially when promise after promise he made to them was broken over and over and over again. I would just say to the boys "i am sorry" and then go to the bedroom, beat up my pillow and tell the pillow what a sorry a** M*********** ..... ..... ..... he is.

They know it now - i didn't have to say a word.

Mates that trash the other parnter in front of the children