regret my "former" life as a Witness

by Richie 15 Replies latest jw friends

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  Richie

  Disassociating yourself slowly or quickly is a matter of perspective; think about it: you lose either way, i.e. the Witnesses will treat you like you've become part of the "bodysnatchers" of the world and no matter how you rationalize it, there is no honorable way out in the eyes of the Witnesses.
  I was df'd about 1.5 years ago (as they said that I left the Organization so it was entirely my fault, but little do they know that their organization left me, as I appealed the GB's decision), and the sudden break-off of family and friends in the truth is always devastating to say the least - it's an emotional explosion which in your wildest dreams would normally never ever happen....I can now understand what death means, at least in the beginning....yes I was dead though living - even though when I went back to the meetings afterwards, I could feel the lonely emptiness, the non-existence of myself. Yet when by accident I would be gazing straight into the eyes of one of my (former) friends, he would just stare past me as if I didn't exist at all even though I attempted to smile at him in indicating respect to him....how convenient for them to ignore a fellow friend and instead make me feel like the lowest person on earth - but then..of course they were taught to respond in this manner to anyone who is df'd.... Then I though to myself...what would happen when eventually I would be re-instated: Yes, then after the announcement most would want to see me at the end of the meeting all happy and oh so loving and wanting to be my best friend all over again - in a heartbeat they'll change from zombies to angelic like mortal creatures of love.... For this very reason I cannot return to the meetings in the hope of wanting to be re-instated and have this hypocrisy again heaped upon me like tentacles. Secondly, I would hate myself for going back to the meetings for the sole reason of wanting to be re-instated without being inclined to serve God "again".
  Upon further scrutiny, I am thinking of this: what if I stayed disfellowshipped for many many years, perhaps 20 or even 30 more years...would anyone "forget" that I am df'd and begin treating me kindly as if I am a human being??? You see, these thoughts are constantly crossing my mind: thoughts of wanting to come back or at least being RI and as a result have "them" consider me a human being by allowing some association again or continue to live my free life for the remainder of my natural life. As my (unbelieving yet compassionate and decent) father once said: "when you're not permitted to think freely, to live freely...then life is not worth living and you should break free at any cost"!!
  I only started to realize this very truth of being able to think freely after I was shunned from the Congregation. Yet when I think of all the years serving Jehovah faithfully, even becoming an elder in the process and have the so-called priviledges of serving others, then at the stroke of midnight having it all taken away from you because the Committee deemed it necessary to remove me lock stock and barrel even though I showed true repentance before...then I began to seriously wonder whether literal death would be far more delightful than continue to live in a state of non-existence...in fact I was looking forward to sleep and close my eyes eternally...
  I had given up so many things to be a faithful witness: my parents departed from me; they could not recognize me any more..of course I was faithful to the Society, so the heck with our loved ones who are not in the truth...my fleshly family was estranged for many years and the so-called friends in the world I had before left me too, understandably turning their back to you for wanting to show them my newfound truth...Ohhh how I wish to hug my father and mother now and tell them how truly sorry I am from the bottom of my heart and the many times I ignored their genuine feelings because of my right way.
  How often did I see my parents cry as their son decided to depart from them into a religion where your association is heavily monitored in every step of the way. Truly, I do not know of any organization in this world where they literally break up friends, loved ones, families and close relatives; if they are in the truth then everything is fine and dandy, whereas if they are not recognized as followers of Jehovah, with the exception of "sincere" bible students,
  you are considered sub-human which means that in the subconscious mind of the Witnesses not worthy of loving in the truest sense of the word....
  Yes, I have lost my friends, all of them, even my job on account of the "truth" - I had given it away so I could worship God and yet all along I felt this uneasiness in the depth of my soul, this strange churning feeling of recurring doubt whether God's organization was in effect the truthful and only organization on earth delivering the accurate and infallable accuracy of the Scriptures and only they were given the precise interpretation of all things existing as to why we are here on this earth....
  Whatever is left now, I know I must move on and I know that there is valuable and precious time left to walk, talk, breathe, taste, care, cry and love...and yes I promise I will take advantage of all these beauties to be explored with a free will and mind...true love is an act of total surrender - yet I intend to search for this love as God has given us all these gifts to enjoy and use to the full in order for us to live life serving Him with a free spirit and in our capacity to help others in need of this love....
  That's why I try to turn sadness into longing, solitude into remembrance....yes we are the music as long as the music last...

  Richie :*)

  You are the music as long as the music lasts...............
• 

  gsark

  Jesus said that anyone not willing to leave father, brother, sister, mother to serve him wasn't worthy of him.

  Do not the JW's refer to one another as 'brother' and 'sister'.

  Perhaps leaving them to serve God and his son truly makes one worthy of them.

  "...I would hate myself for going back to the meetings for the sole reason of wanting to be re-instated without being inclined to serve God "again"."

  I think you should serve God any ol' damn way you please!

  My hearfelt praise to you for your courage and insight and willingness to share with us, just a little plain 'internet family'.

  Life is a roller coaster. Get in, sit down, shut up and hang on!
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  jurs

  Hi Richie,
  I understand what your going through as well as everyone else on this board. You cant be a witness and come out of it unscathed. Do you have any witness family members ????
  jurs
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  Billygoat

  Richie,

  My heart goes out to you! So many people have lost so much from their JW experience. Myself being one of them. I understand the loss of family, friends, childhood, dreams, aspirations, etc. It's taken me years to finally trust my own judgement and to trust God again. I'm sorry to hear that you've been through what I've been through. My prayers are with you!

  Billygoat
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  D wiltshire

  Richie,

  Your not alone and keep your head up you are doing the right thing.
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  AngelofMuZiC

  Dearest Richie,

  I must tell you that I found your story incredibly touching, yet heartbreaking. I almost wanted to cry reading it. I understand what you mean concerning the non-existence. Just yesterday, my mother (who is still a member) and I were walking into the grocery store. A witness woman, who at one time was a very dear friend said hello to my mother, and I looked at her. She looked right past me. My mother said to me, "say hello", thinking that maybe this woman would have a little compassion towards me and remember that I am still a human being. The woman coldly and rudly stated, "You KNOW that I cannot speak to her, so why are you telling her to say hello? What were you thinking?" My mother had a look of complete shock on her face, and ignored the woman, following me into the store. She told me she felt like crying, but then said, "don't worry dear. when the end comes, I have a feeling that a lot of people won't make it." I wanted to run after the woman and beat her senseless for being so cruel and heartless, especially in front of my mother. Anyway, thank you for sharing your story.

  My Deepest Regards,
  Joanne
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  Sozo

  Dear Richie,

  Reading your post just brought back many memories when I left the organization and the thought of my mom looking the other way as though I had committed the ulimate crime.

  I was raised in the organization and knew no other possibility of truth about God, there was things taught that I didn't agree with but went along with it because I was told that Bethel knew best. When I left the organization I realized that I was not serving God but my mom instead. All of these years I was going to the hall to appease her.

  4 years ago, I had a hunger to seek God and after research I came to the conclusion that the organization was false....I was angry and hurt because I felt all those years were lies and the toll my family endured. I began to read a bible (not the NWT) and so many things made perfect sense. All of this took time to process and the pain took time to go away but after reading scriptures that when a person asks Jesus into their heart, they are automatically apart of His family and NO one can take that person away. God wants us to look to Him and lean upon Him for all of our stuff -

  God doesn't want anyone to be torn down or hurt in His name. He wants a relationship with all of us, he doesn't want us to be ruled by an organization that is why He wrote the Word. Its the only source a person needs to go to for anwers.
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  cornish

  Hi Richie,
  I also greatly miss my family members who are in the watchtower and also many friend's whom I knew for so many years whom now walk past you and look straight past you, unfortunately the love that the watchtower society Foster's is not a true love from the heart but a conditional love the condition being organisation affiliation and carrying out organisational duties so in other words if you are not in our club we won't love you any more, what sort of love is this?
  The shuning policy is simply a base method of emotional blackmail and to me when I saw the watchtower society for what it truly is ie a manipulative bully boy, I would not give up my free speech or surrender to their emotional blackmail and although this is painful it is the only way that their method will not work in the long run if people do not surrender to it, as Steve Hassan said in his book combating cult mind control when dealing with cults you are at war and I think it is our duty to do what ever we can to expose cults like Jehovahs witnesses by making the general public aware of their methods because I believe that publicity is one of a cults worst enemies although I dont believe this should become an obbsesion and we need to get on and enjoy life and not let it beat us in that sense as well, I know that this does not take way the pain of the shuning , but I do assure you that like me you will make many new friend's whom you will be able to see as real true friend's whom are interested in you as a person and not on what your organizational standing is and you're new found freedom will bring you rich rewards,although it wont always be easy like has already been said ,a roller coasrer ride, and I wish you all the best in your quest I truly do.
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  Prisca

  Richie,

  I was touched by your heartful post. We have all lost friends and family due to leaving the Borg, and it's a hard thing to have to endure.

  Thanks for sharing your feelings, I could relate to your words, even though I am not (as yet) disfellowshipped.

  May you find peace.
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  buffalosrfree

  Yes being disfellowshipped from the borg can be a very trying thing, but all of those supposed friends aren't really friends at all, you aren't a friend if friendship is based on religious membership. I recalled two things when reading these posts.

  One years ago prior to becoming a member, I would talk with those in the congregation who were disfellowshipped, it would piss off the elders and some Mss, but I didn't care, the elders even had the audacity to talk with one particular disfellowshipped who was attending meetings trying to get reinstated and told him that he couldn't talk with me. I went to this particular elder and told him to mind his business and if he didn't I would be glad to mind his for him, and I and this particular person would still talk albeit outside away from them in the parking lot where I would be having my morning cigarette (that use to really piss em off me smoking in the parking lot). His supposed family and friends hadn't talked with him for almost a year and he was really glad I took the time to talk with him, and didn't treat him like others do, In fact all through my tenure in the borg I would talk with Disfellowshipped ones but due to my confrontational nature, Elders would seldom say anything to me about it. If they did i would act like the governing body (stupid) and they would leave it alone.

  Second point when I wasn't attending meeting very often I started to get stared out by some in the congregation who had previously been very friendly, I would catch them with the look of loathing on thier face and these ones could count on me coming up after the meeting and asking what their problem is. That caused them no small amount of anxiety> I would get answers like well you haven't been attending meetings, we haven't seen you out in field service blah blah blah, Well i went out in field service a lot just not with them, I enjoyed talking with people, I however went to the country areas. And I wouldn't turn in my time, that irritated them no end too. Well enough of that. my 2 for now.