Is there something wrong with me? (page 2)

BrendaCloutier

Yes! It's worth it. It's also very scary because you no longer want to be hurt by your parent.

Here's my experience

http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/7/79128/1.ashx
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/7/85571/1.ashx

Whatever you decide, you are the one who has to live with "it". I wish you the best and I hope you make it a point of visiting her. At least write a letter. One of the things I did was concentrate on the things my parents taught me, and the things I was grateful for that they did for me, including adopting me.

Hugs

Brenda

ChrisVance

Brenda and others, thanks for the encouragement. I appreciate your good thoughts.

Frank, I didn't ask if there was something wrong with being gay. I was born that way and wouldn't want to be someone I'm not. Been there done that. Apparently you chose to be gay and then chose not to be. Like I said I was born gay. Your comments are not appreciated.

Scully

If you don't think you can handle a face-to-face visit or a phone call, you can write a letter or send a card.

Considering you've been estranged for many years, I would want to tread softly too, not wanting to be hurt again and not wanting to create turmoil for her. Or even possibly go through the rejection all over again. Unfortunately, I don't think there's much of a market for Hallmark to make cards that say "I'm your son. I'm gay. I'm happy with myself. If you can't accept me the way I am, then take your messed up religion and screw off!" I dunno... the poetry isn't quite doing it for me, there. (Sorry... that was a very poor attempt at humor.)

However, it never hurts to say that you care (if you do indeed care) about her, and that if she wishes to contact you, that you've opened the lines of communication.

Ultimately, you know what is in your best interests. Sometimes that means just leaving well enough alone.

ChrisVance

Scully, thanks for your very balanced comments. (Actually I liked your attempt at humor).

it never hurts to say that you care (if you do indeed care) about her

I guess that's part of the dilemna. I still have a lot of anger because of my childhood and not having such a manipulative person in my has a lot of advantages. I feel like I should care because she's mother, but I enjoy not having her in my life. What a terrible thing for a son to say.

itsallgoodnow

I guess that's part of the dilemna. I still have a lot of anger because of my childhood and not having such a manipulative person in my has a lot of advantages. I feel like I should care because she's mother, but I enjoy not having her in my life. What a terrible thing for a son to say.

Everybody's situation with their parents is different, but with her generation, the issue of homosexuality is especially shaming for them. I don't understand why but it is. They would feel better about having a criminal for a son, some of them. If it was me, I wouldn't worry about it. If she was never there for you she probably never will be. I understand you want her to know you still care about her, but it will probably just upset her all over again, and she might upset you all over again. You can't really know how she's going to react, but if she is coming around, she probably would have tried to contact you already.

I don't know. Whatever you decide to do, good luck! Dysfunctional families, so much fun!

EvilForce

Rev Frank....um...if you can't be helpful...don't bandy about a judgement / pontification ok?

I like the letter idea....I wrote a letter outlining all the hurt I felt and what my true experiences were to my family. I said that "I was angry at the Dubs"...and here's why. What it made me feel like. How it made me hate myself etc.... So don't attack your mother...but let her know how you feel. You can't argue with someone's feelings. Then you can leave it in her hands to contact you. You have spoken your peace and held out an olive branch, yet not completely exposed yourself to emotional abuse again. She can then either call you write your, or ignore you. It's then her choice.

Billygoat

(((((Chris))))))

However as EF says, I'm wondering if I'd feel guilty for not trying once she's passed away. But then again since she's so fragile maybe I should leave well enough alone.

Why would you feel guilty for doing something that's good for YOU? I made it quite clear to my parents a few years ago, that they were welcome in my life if THEY made the effort. For 12 years (at that time) I was the one initiating contact, always disappointed when they still made it clear they didn't want me in their lives. Why did I continue wanting something that was not meant to be? I was chasing after people that truly didn't love me. Why was I doing that to myself? And then being surprised at how hurtful they were? It truly was insanity at it's highest level.

My two cents: a relationship is a two way street. You've done your part. Let your mom do hers. If she doesn't, then it has nothing to do with you. IT'S HER ISSUE.

I realize it's easier said than done, but I'm coming at this from the other side of the fence. After 15 years now, I don't really miss my family anymore. God has provided other people in my life to fill those voids. And I'm healthy enough now to be grateful for it.

Love,

Andi

scotsman

Chris

The letter thing... I dunno. It sounds like she's had plenty of time to reflect upon her life, how she raised and ultimately rejected you, so a letter outlining the reasons you feel hurt is unlikely to soften her, more like harden her resolve. And possibly expose yourself to her scorn. The ball's in her court and the only letter I'd write was with my address so that she could then contact me if she had changed her stance.

If your life is good without her, that's the price she's paid. Keep on living it.

ChrisVance

Thanks everybody, I really appreciate hearing diffirent viewpoints. We've all had different experiences in life, so naturally we'd look at a given situation differently. Thanks to all for your input!

Nathan Natas

Hi Chris,

Your feelings are your feelings. There is no sky-daddy that you have to apease by hoisting yourself up on a cross for someone to pound more nails into your hands and feet.

Some of us have parents that don't deserve a second thought.

Turn your back and walk away.

Bond with your "family of the heart" - the ones who choose you and you choose them.

Live your life, not Momma's script.

Is there something wrong with me?

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