To shun or not to shun...

by kj 12 Replies latest jw friends

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  kj

  Has there been any "new light" recently about how to treat disfellowshipped family members? My cousin got DFd a few months ago. I noticed that she had been spending quite a lot of time at my aunt's (her mother, an active JW) home. So I asked my mom (a JW), "are they giving aunt X a hard time for spending so much time with Y?" And my mom says, "Of course not, we're encouraged to help our family when they are in need." My cousin is also pregnant (out of wedlock), and having some problems with her pregnancy. I said, "Oh, well I thought they were much stricter about that kind of thing. What about when you and aunt X wouldn't come to my party because Z (my father-in-law, who is DF) was going to be there?" And she says, "Oh that. That was stupid." Gee, I tried to tell her that 2 years ago, but she was just being SO loyal to Jehovah. I just don't get it.

  Don't get me wrong, I am glad they are not shunning my cousin, because she needs support, even if they don't agree with some of the choices she has made. Has something changed? Or is it just that it is all well and good until the whole DF thing hits closer to home?

  kj
• 

  soundbox_guy

  As a guy on the inside, everything is still pretty much the same. The only new thing is that elders try to do more to get disfellowshipped ones to come back. I think in your particular case, your mother is just more open-minded and doesn't believe in abandoning family.
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  katiekitten

  I think dubs pick and choose. If its someone elses kid, or someone they didnt like anyway they can be strict. If its someone they dont want to shun they can find personal justifications for not being as strict.

  The amazing elastic commandments.
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  kj

  I think in your particular case, your mother is just more open-minded and doesn't believe in abandoning family.

  But that is just it, she had no problem shunning my father-in-law. Now she admits it was "stupid", just because my aunt is not shunning her daughter. By the way, it was my aunt who guilt tripped my mom into shunning my father-in-law. The whole thing just sucks.

  kj
• 

  rwagoner

  My parents have been told that if we all lived under one roof then they would not be required to shun me...just no talking about "spiritual matters".

  Some of it may also have to do with her pregnancy..."family emergencies" and "special Circumstances" also change the shunning rules.

  RandyW
• 

  Netty

  What I have learned throughout the years is that for some reason they flip-flop. They just do, I've seen so much of it. I think maybe they get lax, and then who knows some stupid article in the watchtower will come out and remind them of what their conscience does and does not allow them to do. I get what you're saying, of course you dont want them to hurt your cousin. But it does make it hard when they change their mind back and forth like that, so irritating.
• 

  kj

  ...just no talking about "spiritual matters".

  I used that argument when they refused to be around my father-in-law, but they threw the "with such a man do not even eat" BS at me. They just pick and choose, and it pisses me off. My husband and I were very hurt by their behavior, and they never felt the need to apologize, because they were "just being loyal to Jehovah and protecting their integrity."

  I know I'm not telling you all anything new. I just needed to vent. Thank you for being here.

  kj
• 

  kj

  Netty, I think you've hit the nail on the head. I wish my mom didn't need the WT to "remind" her about what her conscience will or won't allow. I wish she could go back to using her own brain to figure it out. I know she is embarassed about how she treated my father-in-law, and I asked her that since she now admits shunning him was "stupid", would she consider attending future family functions where he will be present? I guess only time will tell...

  Thanks for letting me vent.

  kj
• 

  greendawn

  Expected behaviour in a cult that promises everlasting life, they need to make sure they don't do anything naughty that could blow it for them, plus the intimidation of the big A.
  
  For them daily life is a stuggle to escape eternal extinction.
• 

  a friend in need

  kj ... is it possible that your cousin is repentant and is trying to be reinstated? With the situation she is in, she sounds like she needs all the help she can get.