My Tale (its about time too!!!)

PaulJ

This is how it was for me. My Mum was baptised in 1981 (when I was 4) and my dad 2 years later. I have vaig memories of a christmas, but other than that, being a JW was all I know. School was tricky at first but then I found I was good at football, so the kids respected me for that instead of taking the micky because I was a JW. Its not easy as a kid but it was just my way of life, i didnt know any different. At 16 I got baptised instead of following up on an offer of a trial at a local professional football team. It was 'the right thing to do' and 'just another one of Satan's tests'. Very shortly after this I fell for a girl in the congregation. As per so many other couples 'in the bloom of youth' we were advised to 'wait'. But we didnt and at the time i remember our thinking was that we were determind to prove people wrong and make it work. We auxillary pioneered together and I thought i was in love. My wife came from a very awkward family arrangement and had to do much of the housework and cooking when she lived at home. Do you think that once she moved out she would want to carry that on? Not a chance! She detested housework and cooking, so it fell to me. We werent particulary good with money, so quickly fell into debt. Months after we got married she fell pregnant, then months after that she cheated on me with someone she worked with. I was 20 and suddenly had a lot of crap to deal with. I wanted to leave her but she was carrying my baby so I didnt. We 'decided' not to tell the elders about it yet because she was pregnant and not 'up to' facing a JC... so we left it until our baby was born and soon after she was reproved (I was counselled for not going forward with the information sooner). This bit I have decided to make as brief as possible. My wife's mum was a diagnosed Schizophrenic and while she was being weaned off her tablets, she suddenly thought that she was being spoken to by Jehovah directly. She was told by these voices to kill her youngest daughter (my wife's sister). So she did. My sister in law was 3 years old. We decided to move, cos the area we lived in held too many memories. We moved to Rotherham in South Yorkshire, near to where my mum and dad now lived. We soon had 2 more babies and in between these 2 my wife was very ill. She had to control her diet while she waited for an operation, but she didnt and a number of times she was rushed to hospital in agony and had to spend a week each time being pumped full of morphine, leaving me with the kids, work, bills etc. It was awful seeing her in so much pain, and the doctors had taken 5 attempts to diagnose her problem. It was at this time I was working, coming home, doing all the housework and looking after the kids (as I did every day), then trying to visit her in hospital and this along with having to cope with all our other problems so soon after the incident with her mum, led me to have a nervous breakdown. My mum was an amazing help during this time, and i would have been much much worse off without her. I was sent away to a friends house to chill out and recover. I meant to stay a week, but after about 3 days I came back because my wife couldnt cope. She was angry for me going away (although she had wanted me to initially) and every minute of my journey back had to be accounted for. If a train was late, that was my fault. And its hard to explain how she was like. Completely unable to reason with her i always gave in and did whatever she wanted. I was what you would call a doormat. Things got worse after this time because she started to hit me. Now, I think that this was always in frustration and anger, not cos she wanted to hurt me (it didnt physically, but emotionally it was really hard). So i remember times when I would tell her to hit me cos it made her feel better, and calmed her down. Again it was giving in to her, and being a doormat. To me however it was a means of making my life easier. I did want to leave her but thats not really an option as a witness is it? Besides which my kids needed me. So that was life for me at the time- working, coming home, cleaning, cooking etc looking after the kiddies, trying to be a dad and a husband and occasionally getting hit. I asked for help from the elders a number times but never got so much as a phone call or shepherding visit. As time went on my wife would go out with (worldly) friends and get drunk, smoke and get-off with blokes she met in the clubs/bars she visited. Because of what happened before she didnt tell me. We both at this point were literally begging the elders for a visit, we knew we had so many problems and needed help sorting it out. Again, nothing. Not even a smile or a pat on the shoulders at the meetings we attended. I realised that my kids were suffering. Mummy and Daddy were arguing and always stressed and upset. I never got to spend time with them and missed them and worried about them when i was at work. Also I felt I was heading for another breakdown. Soon after I had these thoughts I learned that my wife was up to her old tricks of getting off with men she met while 'out on the town'. We had never had any offer of help or support from the elders, despite our efforts to get them to give us a shepherding visit, along with my parents attempts to influence their congs elders to contact our congs elders to give us help. I decided that I could take no more and told her I was moving out. She begged me to stay but i knew it would be easy just to give in (again). She would never let me take the children, but i figured that i could be a much better daddy to them if i wasnt living there. I have never felt so much hurt in my life. The time I would get to spend with them would at least be quality time. The day I left was the hardest thing i have ever done. The kids were in bed so i went round and kissed them all, telling them i loved them and crying my eyes out. They were alseep so they didnt know i wouldnt be there in the morning. So, after 6 years of marriage I left, and moved into a bedsit. I saw the kids every saturday, and we always had a great time. But I missed them, and they missed me. Months went by and my wife made it more and more difficult for me to see the kids. I had to jump thru hoops for her. I was lonely but felt a huge relief off my shoulders. I was so upset that the elders hadnt somehow helped us, but there was nothing i could do. A few months after I had moved out I started to get along with a girl i knew from work. She had split up with her boyfriend so we kind of had something in common. We started spending time together and i liked being in her company. She was beautiful, caring and so funny that she made me laugh like i had never laughed before. She was kind and understanding and in a few short weeks we completely fell for one another. I knew this wouldnt go down well in the congregation so i wrote a letter d/aing myself. I didnt care, i was so much happier than i had ever been before. Soon afterwards i got divorced from my wife. Amy (my new g/f) was great with my 'baggage' never judgemental with the decisions i had made both with my marriage or leaving the JW's. We were in love, deeply. Not like what I had felt before with my ex but something you really really feel, and dont need to convince yourself of. My ex obviously didnt like it and kicked off in the only way she knew how, using the kids. She stopped me seeing them for long periods of time. If it helped her, I could see them, but then it had to be on her terms. I was jumping thru hoops again. That had to stop, it wasnt fair on the kids or Amy. I kept up contact by phone, but the kids were never 'available' for me to talk to after a while. The problems were made worse when i did see the kids cos my ex would tell them i didnt love them and fill their little minds with so much trash about me and Amy that when we got to see them it would take the whole weekend to convince them I DID love them, and very much. There were a lot of tantrums from them and they would always be very upset. This of course, would be blamed on me when my ex got them back. The kids were suffering again. My ex would only bad-mouth me and Amy if the kids were coming round, and would even threaten to kill me or Amy if she saw us in the street. Amy and I soon got married and we now have a baby girl of our own. We moved away because the area we lived in was terrible and she needed to be close to family when she had the baby. I didnt want my new baby to grow up in such an awful area. I wasnt allowed to see my kids, so i had to make the decision to move based on the life i could control. Where we live now is peaceful and quiet and the people are friendly. In this way i now know that I have found the 'paradise' i was promised by being a Witness. I now am able to speak to my kids on the phone a lot more, and i went to see them a few weeks ago. I hope that someday my ex will want to move down this way herself (with the kids) because she had family nearby and I know it would be good for them. Amy is an angel. She makes me feel so loved and cared for. Ive never felt anything like it. She is so compassionate and loving, totally the opposite of my ex. In this time my Mum left the 'truth' and also left my dad (but thats her story to tell) One of my brothers and my sister also left the truth during all this time. My dad is still a witness and doesnt speak to me. To me this is more a loss for him than me. He is yet to meet his latest grand daughter. My other younger brother is also still a Witness and got baptised recently, and cos of this is is happy to take the holier-than-thou approach and not speak to us either. This shunning policy of theirs (the GB's) is a sick one, but one i guess that shows where the control lies. Well thats my tale. Ive made a lot of mistakes in my life, probably hurt people too. But it was never intentional. Ive been hurt a lot too. The things I value now are my wife and all my children. I will always show them i love them whenever i get the opportunity. I know that much of this is just my life story and not as much is the lack of help we got from the elders and/or my experiences as a witness. I guess i am just happy to get stuff off my chest. Thanks for reading if you get down this far. One last thought was something i wrote in my dis-ass letter. I explained to the elders that they were given the job as shepherds. If then a sheep fell into a hole, how would it get out unless the shepherd came down to save it? No-one came to save me. I was let down. I begged for help for years and never got so much as a telephone call. I guess they did me a favour. Im free now and happy to be so. Thanks for listening to my story. Paul

z

Im free now and happy to be so

good 4 u

luna2

Thanks for telling your story, PaulJ.

So glad you made it out and found happiness. I hope your ex does move closer so that you can have more contact with your older children.

Your experience, with the elders being completely unconcerned about you and your first wife's difficulties, is so sad. Isn't that just what they are there for? You and your family even asked for assistance and they couldn't be bothered. I know congregations vary, but you hear so much about elders poking their noses into personal situations without invitation and yet, when they are just about begged for help, they ignore it. Unbelievable....but, as you say, they did you a favor. It's good to be free!

Crumpet

Wow - Paul, what a heart rending story! And you're still so young for all that to have happened - 4 children, 2 marriages.

It makes you think - had you been brought up without the stain of dubism you would have gone on to play football, not even thought about settling down until your 30s, would have had lots of girlfriends, no marriages and no kids probably. This is just one of the many tragic stories that JWs have to answer for. Forbidding sex so that youngsters get married ridiculously young to unsuitable partners who make each other miserable and go on to have children who are miserable too.

It was particularly disturbing to read of your mother-in-laws murder of your sister in law who was only 3. I can't imagine how painful that must have been for everyone. Makes you think - might she have been diagnosed and undergoing treatment much earlier - perahps before she had children herself?

I'm so glad you've found a soul mate and are finding happiness. I hope that you do get more access to your children. Thought about doing some work for fathers for justice in your spare time?

crumpet

stillajwexelder

Wow - what a story - thanks for sharing

PaulJ

might she have been diagnosed and undergoing treatment much earlier - perahps before she had children herself?

Hhhmmmm maybe, but I dont know the details of her treatment. But we felt that she was being taken off her tablets too early.... she did have a mental health worker and after what happened there was a huge investigation. They ultimately decided that the events couldnt have been predicted and no-one was to blame.

The thing is she was such a great woman and faithful sister in the JW's, she deserved better in life that what she has been dealt. It wasnt her fault she had this illness, and she has suffered so much in this.

tijkmo

But we felt that she was being taken off her tablets too early...

another wt doctrine

the idea that mental illness is not like a physical illness which has to have constant medication

so can only be on drugs for limited time otherwise its considered to be dependancy

give me a break

Goldminer

Hi Paul,

Very interesting story,you really lived some tough times buddy,but I'm happy to see things have worked out for you.I also enjoyed soccer when I was a teenager but I never tried to pursue it because of the religion.My phys-ed teacher was impressed with my talent and felt I could become a pro player.I still wonder about it sometimes,but then how many people have had their life course altered because of that religion?

Anyways you hang in there Paul,I'm sure you can help a lot of people with your life experiences.

Goldminer

Doubtfully Yours

Welcome PaulJ!

DY

homesteader

thanks for sharing your story. i admire your tenancity and good wisdom. i'm not sticking up for the elders, but they didn't help because they don't know how. wish you well.

My Tale (its about time too!!!)

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