Funeral arrangements - What would you do?

by pratt1 16 Replies latest jw experiences

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  pratt1

  I just found out last night that my aunt died. My mom and dad are arranging the funeral arrangments, and because my dad is not a dub the fumeral will be held in a church. Most likely my mom will not attend the service.

  Because of this event, my mom said that my she and my dad are making arrangements for their funeral and they wanted me to follow their instructions exactly.

  I asked my mom if I died before she, would she arrange my funeral in a church if that was my desire. She flatly said no, because as my dub a church funeral would violate her conscience and it is against the way she raised me.

  I answered that that I could accept that because I would not allow her funeral to be held in a KH because it violates my conscience and I definitely would not allow a dub to give the memoral talk because I (her only child) would receive not comfort from anything a dub would say.

  Needless to say this upset my mom greatly (much tears).

  Although I feel firmly in my beliefs it really bothers me that in her mind, it is okay to ignore my final requests, but it is not okay to ignore hers.

  My dad smartly stayed out of the converation and said to me later, that when they die I should due what brings me comfort.

  My mom's last comment was that she would now leave her instructions with the brothers on how her final arrangements should be handled.

  I said that the had better hire some really good lawyers, because I will contest with every dime that I own.

  Maybe I am just being stubborn, but I refuse to give in to that cult when it comes to my parents.

  Has anyone else had a similar experince with a family member?

  What would you do?
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  joelbear

  personally i think you have to respect others belief systems. the fact that they cannot respect yours simply reinforces how sad their belief system is. its weak, its terrified of challenge.

  you will come out the stronger person and you will know in your heart that your belief system is more loving and will outlast theirs in the long run.

  my parents are witnesses. i expect them to have a witness funeral. i expect to attend. i expect to let people know how different my belief system is now.
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  pratt1

  Good point Joelbear.

  I am considering that option as well.
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  blondie

  Have 2 funerals, one to fit your parents wishes and another for yourself, your family and any non-JW friends and family that would be uncomfortable with the JW jargon.

  I know a dear, kind woman who is still a JW that did that for her husband who became a JW late in life. His family were not JWs and would not come to the KH. So she had 2 funerals, setting aside 2 rooms in the funeral hall. No body/casket in either (he was cremated), but his son's minister gave the talk in the one and a brother gave the talk in the other. So she did not insult her husband's children.

  Lovely woman; one of the few true Christians I ever met at the KH.

  Blondie
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  Jourles

  I'm still wondering how this will pan out with my folks. We currently are on no-speaking terms which kind of makes it difficult to know what they want. I'm sure a memorial service in the KH is what they would specify. As it is, they would probably work with my wife to take care of things. Sad. For them, not me.
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  rebel8

  Needless to say this upset my mom greatly (much tears).
  

  Although I feel firmly in my beliefs it really bothers me that in her mind, it is okay to ignore my final requests, but it is not okay to ignore hers.

  
  

  
  Actually it does surprise me this upsets her so much. According to her beliefs, she will be totally dead at the time so it shouldn't matter much if you choose not to honor her wishes. Probably it's just the idea that you won't follow the dub rules.

  I have told my mother in no uncertain terms that I would not even allow jws to attend the wake, let alone have one of them give a funeral talk. Not only would it violate my personal conscience, it would disturb me greatly to have to be around my enemies in a time of grief. She just gets a wierd look on her face and changes the subject. I think she just feels a need to make her wishes known to clear her conscience, believing J will punish me for not following jw rules.

  If you are unwilling to follow her wishes, it's good you discussed this with her now. If she feels that strongly about it, she should see an attorney to see if she can designate someone to take care of her arrangements in lieu of next of kin.
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  garybuss

  Here the Witness people don't normally have funerals. They go ahead with the cremation or burial and then they just all go to the book distribution center and have a ritual reading of the funeral manuscript provided by the publishing corporation. I understand that sometimes after the ritual reading, they go to a second location and have a lunch.
  
  Especially since 1992, the Witness people have never invited me to a private burial and they likewise have never invited me to a special doctrinal meeting or to a meal afterwards. I attended the burial and reading meeting for my wife's mother, but I wasn't invited. I even went to their lunch. Some people shunned me there. It was probably a mistake I won't be repeating any time soon.
  
  I've really given up on seeing any decency from most of my Witness acquaintances. For the most part, I've come to accept that the Witnesses are mean people who've found a home.
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  joelbear

  i like blondie's idea. it accomplishes a lot.

  1. it respects everyone's feelings.

  2. it makes the point of how bizarre witnesses are in their "outer appearances" strivings
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  Forscher

  Funny, my wife and I may very well face the same thing since her parents are up there in age. For me personally, I have no problem walking into that hall and sitting right up front. I hold the power over my own life, not them! So, I'll respect my inlaw's wishes in the matter. To me, it's such a little thing.
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  Sith

  I went through this 3 months ago with my own mother. I hated it, but I kept quiet and did as my mother wished. She had a JW funeral and the obligatory luncheon (fellowship) afterwards. I bit my tongue so hard throughout, it was bleeding by the time I got back home.
  
  This isn't about you and what you believe or no longer believe. It isn't a time to debate or score points. It's not about unconverting the converted. It's about your mother and her final wishes. When the time comes, smile, bow your head when called upon, shake the hand of people who consider you scum of the earth, etc. etc. etc. Be bigger and better.