One of those difficult nights, you know the kind??

Frog

Had one of those nights last night. What is is about the darkness that brings out those heightened emotions that you've been storing up for a rainy day? Don't want to sound like a sadsac with what I want to share, but I need to be able to get this off my chest tonight:)

Yeah it was a beauty though. I spent most of yesterday alone, which is never a good thing for me. I'm really a people person, and I need to keep active, or else I get quite easily down. I've moved quite a way away from my family, but truth be told I'm not really that close to any of them, for obvious reasons. I'm the sort of person that is always mediating between family members. In the past I've really valued my family relationships, and have really gone out of my way to bond with immediate and extended family members. The thing is though, that I'm always the one doing all the work. The person that keeps people in touch, passes on information that other family members should know about. Organises get togethers etc. For so long I've been fighting this uphill battle, and last night I stopped and asked myself why the hell am I wasting my time??!

Seriously, if they don't want to be close, if they don't want to provide the support for each other that they could, then what's the point in my trying to force it??

I don't have contact with my oldest sister, and my mother anymore after I've stated plainly that I won't be returning to the borg. I sent them both and my other older a sister a letter back in March, telling them how I felt about the fact that they have cut off from me, and about the pain it has caused me, and about the other painful things they have said and done...anyway, I haven't heard from my eldest sister or my mother since then, despite that I know they've received my letter. I heard from my slightly older sister, and over the course of a rollacoaste of discussions, we have agreed to disagree and maintain some contact. I feel though, that this relationship is built on eggshells. The agreement was that I would not impose on her any of my anti-witness views and we'd be okay. We have a distance relationship anyway, but our occassional conversations feel so contrived and restrained, that most of the time I think it's worse than before.

Last night though, I felt so very alone. The truth is, it catches up with me every once and a while. Most of the time I'm just busy getting on with my life, and occassionally the hardship of the situation really catches up with me. I felt like I was in such despair last night, and was so p*ssed off with my mother for abandoning me, and the fact that the family members who aren't as bound up in the faith anymore realise the fact that I continually give my best shot at starting a new life, but don't make any effort to visit me or even contact me. I still instigate all our contact, even with the family members that I believe love me, such as my brother and my father, and some cousins.

I'm tired of it now though. I'm tired of the fact that despite the progress I make, that the painful reality that I am very much alone catches up with me. I know I'll probably be okay now for a couple of months, but it's only a matter of time before I have another one of those horrible nights, where I feel like my heart is breaking all over again, and I scream and sob into my pillow. I just feel like last night was different. Last night I realised that I turn 26y/o next month, and that this is the life I have, and the reality is that this is going to keep happening on occassion. I just spent the whole night feeling so sorry for myself, and angry that I was experiencing this pain and loss when I've done nothing to bring it on myself.

Usually I do not dwell on my own pain and problems, I just get on with it. I always show my happy face to the people I meet. I'm new to the area I'm living in, and don't really have yet solid tight friendships where I can just let loose and vent. I take responsibility for the life choices I have made, and I am absolutely thrilled to be free and out of the org. I just don't think I can handle these episodes of relapse, I can't handle the knowledge that they're going to keep coming back every now and then, and there's nothing I can do about them

Sorry for the long one. Ten points if you managed to get to the end, thanks:) frog

misspeaches

{{{{{Frog}}}}}

You poor little thing. I think we can all relate to feeling in the depths of despair but some seem to have it worse off.

Know that you have a lot of support on this board and there are lots of people in your very own situation who are more than happy to be your friend and a shoulder to cry on should that be the case.

Personally I have always enjoyed reading what you have to say. You express yourself so well and what you have to share always appears so well thought out.

From one Aussie to another...

crazyblondeb

Froggy-

I get 10 points!! I read your post!! Boy, do I feel you. Last week I had to tell my mom to have a nice life. She can't get past the "If you'd only come back to Jah"..."blah,blah,blah.".....

I'm tired of trying to walk on eggshells around her and my stepdad. I feel like for the last few decades I've been waiting for crumbs to be thrown my way. Well, NO MORE!! I have 4 siblings, and none will go to the KH. I've decided I'm not wasting any more time on them. They can play by my rules, or find a new game to play with someone else>

.These people around these boards are my family now.Gotta love 'em!

shelley

Sparkplug

(((Frog)))

It happens to the best of us. I think if you lost your ability to cry completely be it for bad or good reasons, that it would really be sad. Tears come out for a purpose. Just to cleanse our house so to speak. If we let ourselves cry once over any one hurt, well that would be stupid. Cry it out, pick it up and keep going. Venting is amazing too. Nothing in excess on either line, and do not bottle it up either. One day at a time and we all reach toward love. We all hurt over the loss of loved ones. It is ok. you seem to have a handle on it. I send big huggs your way!

bebu

((((frog))))

I'm sorry you feel so alone.

I hope that you will be able to meet others on the board in person, if possible, so that you will be able to know that you are really connected to people who understand and care. It will help soften the pain, I think. It looks like Australia is just popping now with ex-JWs, at least by judging from this board...

Don't give up hope on your family in the meantime. Many here were where they are now...

bebu

Frog

Thanks guys((())). Yeah, I'm gonna be okay, I always am:) I remember reading a little while back that tears are a chemical release of negative emotions. Pretty much explains why you feel like you can fly when you've shed bucket loads!

Heya crazyblonde, I'm a crazyblonde too:) I hear you on the not accepting crumbs anymore. That's a specific frase I put in a letter to my mum and sisters.

Thanks Misspeaches for your kind words, really means allot:) From one "aussiebattler" to another. xx

Froglett

prophecor

Thanks for the 10 points. Wish things were different for you. It's difficult adjusting to new surroundings. Hi Frog, I hope you'll feel better as the days go by. Someones allways here to listen when you need to talk.

Art

Netty

I know how you feel sweetie! I have said almost those exact words, "I am so tired of being the one trying to bring this friggin family together, I GIVE UP" Same as you, I seem to be the only one knocking myself out trying to make this happen. (MIddle child anyone?)

It's just all so screwed up isn't it, the JW crap we have to fight against. I understand you, what you feel, and what you are going through. I am glad you brought it up, it's actually something I've been grappling with here the past few months. So great how one person can bring something up, and without even knowing it, help another. (kinda like sparky's thread)

(((Froggie))) Now gimme 10 points will ya?

Frog

Thanks Nettie babe for all the hugs and stuff:)) Yeah, I guess I knew last night that I was hardly alone in this thing, but still sometimes it just needs to come out, and we just need to be allowed to pitty ourselves and our situation. I concur with your frustration on the family bonding thing, it's just too exhausting. I decided last night, and reitterated to myself this morning that's it's not my job anymore, and probably never was. Thanks again, frogglett xx

prophecor

Being the referee can be a challenge, especially when adults should somehow know better, how to negotiate and try to come to terms with difficult situations. The " what about me? " attitude that so greatly infects our world our society, can be a difficult thing to try and get beyond. I think that's why social workers and thereapist can often go to burnout if not careful to keep a professional distance from thier clients. Even more so our family members, especialy the ones who may be toxic.

One of those difficult nights, you know the kind??

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