Bring Out *Points* From The District Convention That You Didn't Attend

by minimus 14 Replies latest jw friends

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  minimus

  Let's highlight some talks from the latest convention and feel free to make up anything the speaker "said".
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  minimus

  I'll start. "The end will soon be here. What good will an education or pleasure seeking trips do for us then? No. Now is the time to run to the safety net of Jehovah God's Organization and seek refuge. There is only a short time remaining since this time of the end began in 1914."
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  whatistruth

  Listen to the Faithful and Discreet Slave or YOU WILL DIE!!

  Speak against them and YOU WILL DIE A HORRIFIC DEATH!!
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  Mary

  "Reports are coming in that brothers are faking their hours on their field service reports in order to boost our pathetic numbers. But even more shocking is the report that at least one person disobeyed our "suggestion" not to go out at lunch time, and went and saw War of the Worlds. We know this, because Fat Bastard came and told us that the person sitting next to him during the morning sessions, didn't come back until almost 3:00 pm.

  Brothers! Does this not show a lack of appreciation for all this spiritual hammering??!! How can we continue to control your minds when you're not in your seats staring at the speaker like a Zombie??!

  Because of this one person who did this, we will now be locking all the doors at the District Assemblies so you can't get out even if there's a fire. You'll have to pray like Daniel did that Jehovah will not let the flames near you. The attendents will be armed with guns that shoot Miracle Wheat balls at you if you attempt to smash through the glass doors.

  Now let us give thanks for the fine provisions mentioned above by standing and singing 'HOTEL CALIFORNIA".
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  GetBusyLiving

  Well apparently all the people doing demonstrations had "NO REGRETS!"

  GBL
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  minimus

  MARY----You are hysterical!.........Other words constantly mentioned: "Jehovah, Jehovah God, Jehovah, Jehovah God, Jehovah, Jehovah God, Jehovah, Jehovah God, Jehovah, Jehovah God, Jehovah, Jehovah God."
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  luna2

  Beware of the Evil Internet...Brothers and sisters would you knowingly drink poison? Well, you might as well hop right down to your local hardware store and buy some d-Con to sprinkle on your frosted flakes if you are "serfing" the net! What will you find there, you ask? Pornography for one (at least I did, just researching for this talk, it was exciting hideous)...and, even worse, apostates! Yes, the diabolical tentacles of apostate thinking are lying in wait there ready to ensnare you and drag you to your death!

  What? You say that the Bible tells us to test what we learn to make sure it is the truth? So it does, brothers, so it does, but the only approved way to do this testing is to study the Bible through the WTS publications so lovingly provided by the FDS for this purpose. The heart is treacherous and tries to find ways to gain it's own desires. Reading the Bible for yourself or researching material on the world-wide web can be dangerous and lead to improper understanding of God's Word. Do not be mislead, brothers and sisters, bad association spoils useful habits! We are all imperfect, sinful, unworthy humans and only exclusive association with Jehovhah's organization will keep us from becoming fornicating, drunken, mass murderers, minons of Satan the Devil, trying to pull down the Watchtower Society so we can wallow in pornea and self-gratification.

  So, in line with the divine theme of this upbuilding District Assembly program, If the WTBTS says something...do it. Do not question. Do not rush ahead. Do not think for yourself. Do not read the Bible without proper guidance. And most of all, Do not use Satan's tool, the internet, for anything but sending email, looking up recipes to please your husbandly owner or travel directions to the next assembly or Bethel visit. Raise your eyes to the revolving pinwheel above my head and remember to Obey, obey, obey. Children, obey your Godly parents. Wives, obey your husbands (but only if they are also your brothers...uh, yeah) Brothers, obey the elders. Most of all OBEY the Governing Body as you would Jehovah God himself...and know that the Governing Body commands ALL to stay away from the evil internet!

  When I count to three, you will wake feeling refreshed and obedient. One....Two....Three.

  Wasn't that an upbuilding talk, brothers and sisters? Let's all show our appreciation for this wonderful spiritual feast! *wild clapping*
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  Gopher

  
  
  
  
  

  We have proof:

  The organization is still growing. We are preaching the good snooze of the kingdom. We are persecuted.

  The organization is still growing. We are preaching the good snooze of the kingdom. We are persecuted.

  The organization is still growing. We are preaching the good snooze of the kingdom. We are persecuted.

  The organization is still growing. We are preaching the good snooze of the kingdom. We are persecuted.

  In a change from our "no food service" policy, we have some Kool-Aid for all to enjoy before the afternoon session, the theme of which is "Being DEAD as to this world". (They wouldn't really do that, would they?)
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  Mary

  And we'd like to ask Brother Minimus to close with prayer..........

  Bro. Minimus....."Ahem..........

  Oooooh beau-ti-ful for spacious seats,
  For big fat bums like yooooouuuu

  For dun-der headed pi-o-neers
  Their cars do smell like poooooooohh!

  JWD! JWD!
  God shed his grace on thee
  And crown thy site with brotherhood
  From sea to shining sea!

  Hey, get away from me!! (slap, slap, punch, punch).....don't touch me there!! You perverts!! Read Crisis of Conscience (smash!) and join our site at (Bif! Bam! Pow!).........mmmmrrrrmmmmmm (gets dragged off of stage by security and gets taken for "a ride" in the backseat of a black car).
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  Nosferatu

  10:15 - Jehovah's Word in the Day of Theocraticy!

  Brothers, have you ever taken an egg, freshly out of a chicken's nest, and admired it's beauty and perfection? Well, that's just like the Truth now, isn't it? But today, we, Jehovah's people must stand the test of this old wicked system of things, Perhaps you have barbequed a piece of meat while your neighbor said, "Hey, that's a nice piece of meat!" Brothers, we should avoid bad association at all times! Sisters, do whatever your husband tells you because he works in conjunction with Jehovah.

  Let's look up 1 Timothy...............Chapter 41..................verse 32 where it says "Hark! Here I am in Jehovah's day of theocraticy! Send Me! Send Me!" Brothers, we should heed Paul's advice here and apply it to our daily lives. No matter how we cook our meat, Jehovah will bless us richly.