I find it fascinating that so many of you broke out with severe physical symptoms while just being in attendance at the meetings. It is amazing when what we feel or believe strongly in our hearts and our minds translates into the physical.
If we "fall in love" with a new religion or philosophy, it feels like you are "walking on air" and you are very happy. Your body language reflects that. (I felt that way when I left the JW's and converted to the Mormons.)
But then, when time goes by, and you discover a whole bunch of things you didn't know before about the Organization you have dedicated so much of your time, talent, energy and resources to, it changes YOU and your beliefs. Then, when you keep pushing yourself to carry on like nothing has happened by staying in regular attendance, but deep inside you no longer feel the same way or believe in it, then this sets up a tremendous internal conflict. When your mind and heart keeps these things inside and won't let them out, then something has to give somewhere- and that escape valve is your physical body. Hence the physical illness or reactions.
You try to be honest with yourself and with others. But you cannot possibly do this if you no longer believe, while pretending to yourself and others that you still do.
I felt a lot of angst when leaving the JW's, because it split my marriage in two, with three lovely daughters right in the middle of it all. But in terms of my beliefs, I simply quit going to the JW meetings, and went right over to Mormon church meetings. This "replacement therapy" allowed me to feel happy with my internal belief system, and so I avoided the physical trauma so many of you have gone or are going thru.
On the other hand, after a few years in Mormonism I discovered a whole pile of stuff that caused me to question that religion. There I did reach the point of disillusionment and anger, and I did feel physically ill just by forcing myself to sit there in Church while inwardly knowing I no longer believed in it. Then I left that Church, and that ended my conflict within. Now I could be feel free to be me!
The answer to this whole dilemma is to remove yourself from the environment. I understand fully that there are reasons for many to delay this kind of action or decision, because there are serious implications to leaving or becoming inactive, especially when a spouse and family members are involved. At the same time, we can never know peace of mind as long as we have to force ourselves to stick around in the very environment that is creating and perpetuating the conflict and unhappiness. It is probably only a question of time before you will invevitably leave, as the pressure will just become too great to keep things the way they are, with no end in sight. Oh god, my stomache twists in knots just thinking about having to live like that!
To ourselves we must remain true. If we are no good for ourselves, then we are not really good for others. The irony here is that we must first learn to be selfish, asserting ourselves to the world, including our loved ones, that "I am going to live in this world on my own terms, and how I feel and believe." This may shock a lot of people, and they may mumble and grumble about you for a while. The JW Elders will do more than that, of course. They will go so far as to DF you, unless you repent of your "selfishness", and continue to do your slavery duty to Jehovah and his loving Organization.
You know, and your body knows, when you are living your life on a basis consistent with your inner belief system. It is a state of freedom of mind and heart, and the will to be you. You feel a joy and inner peace, and know that you can live life spontaneously from your own reality, instead of having to live up to some Organization's expectations and rules and pressures. You feel empowered to live your own life, and this is how you can give the best of yourself to others. This is how you can walk around with that "little spark" inside, and other people can recognize it, and will be attracted to you. This is how you will find yourself fully able to truly love your fellow man, perhaps for the first time in your life.
Take back what is rightfully yours to possess. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free! (And I do not say this as a JW slogan. This one is for real!)
Rod P.
