15 Ways to Avoid a Southern A$$ Whoopin'

RichieRich

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to

RichieRich

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to

Elsewhere

Simon, please, please, please fix the editor. Simply put: It sucks.

These editing problems have existed for years.

greendawn

I also found that I can't edit my topics, I get log on error.

delilah

Damn Richie....I was looking for a good laugh too....

Delilah

Richie, was it anything like this?

Those of us in the Midwest realize that sometimes misunderstandings can develop when Easterners and Californians travel through our wonderful states. So, from now on, when entering our states, they will be handed the following:

Midwest Information Guide:

1. That farm boy standing next to the grain bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.....so think twice before making fun of his bib-overalls and greasy John Deere hat.

2. It's called a "gravel road". No matter how slow you drive, you are going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it, or get out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw "Bambi." We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped....by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orivs Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for........bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot at it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu at the truck stop. Order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on the weekends. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million dollar combine that we use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks.....because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too.......and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup truck waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot....! his name is "Sir"....no matter how old or young he is.

Enjoy your visit.

bem

Those were good Dan, here's the ones I had:

Twelve ways to avoid a good southern ass whoopin. Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying rat's ass whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever... it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kickin.

3) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e. g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we will kick your ass.

4) We have plenty of business sense (e. g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e. g. Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass.

5) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

6) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we will kick your ass.

7) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

8) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

9) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

10) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

11) If you move down here don't complain that "we don't do things like that in the north". If you don't like it Delta (a Southern Airline) is ready when you are. Get on the plane or will kick your ass into it.

12) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This WILL get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box.. . . minus your ass

15 Ways to Avoid a Southern A$$ Whoopin'

RichieRich

RichieRich

RichieRich

IronGland

Elsewhere

greendawn

undercover

delilah

Dan-O

bem

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