This is my first post. I have read and benefited greatly from all of the posts on the board. I just wanted to share a little of my story perhaps to gain insight into myself, and perhaps just to share with like minded people.
I had been a Witness for a long time, all of my life. When I turned about 15, I realized that something was wrong. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I asked all around me including my single parent mother. Her response was, “Son, you aren’t praying enough…not relying on Jehovah enough…not studying enough.” She is my mother. She must be right. I re-doubled my effort. I pioneered whenever I had the time. I gained a 73 year-old bible student. He progressed from the door to the water. To my surprise, the day he got baptized, I didn’t feel a father’s pride, but a loose disconnection. The next few years, I asked everyone from elder to circuit overseer about my faith. I needed to know why I felt like I had none. I needed to know why I felt sick right before meeting. Why did I never want to go? Why was preaching so difficult. I enjoyed it so much as a child.
One day I chose to stop carrying supplementary bible aids. I just went to the door and spoke from the heart. I let the house-holder push the conversation wherever they wanted it to go. It was the most rewarding time I have ever had in field service. It still didn’t’ compensate for the growing sickness I felt when having to go to the Kingdom Hall. I feel away.
I became reacquainted with a worldly friend completely unconnected to Jehovah’s Witnesses. The only reason I was disfellowshipped was because I felt that I had made a promise. So I told the elders of my decision to be with this woman. They disfellowshipped me. The last time I was at that Kingdom hall was to hear them say those words.
Since then my grandmother who taught me the truth will not speak to me. I grew up in her home. She will have nothing to do with me. I hurt her. I feel that in a best case scenario, I hurt Jehovah (I don’t believe that anymore). She feels that of all of her children, I had the most potential. I was the one that she raised to lead the family and I have betrayed that. For a time, my mother was in opposition to this decision, but has since abandoned me as well.
I still find myself prayerful, hopeful, and searching. Sorry about the length. Just had to get it out