I am not trying to compete with FMZ as he has a supernatural thread going already but - Do you secretlyt wish for a demon attack - serious question - the reason I ask this is because - if I had a demon attack it would mean there was a Satan the Devil and if there was a Satan it would mean there was God.What I am trying to say in a nutshell is "A demon attack would actually strengthen my faith" where at the moment it is non-existent almost
Yes, i used to think in this way also... its amazing, i had always thought that the thought was unique to me... The existance of anything spiritual that i could actually sence, would confirm at least one aspect of the teachings i had recieved, and thereby act as a domino effect to bring me at least mentally under the protection of Jehovah.
When i come to think of it now, even at the age of 8 and 9 i had thoughts like this, showing that even at that age i just wasn't recieving enough solid proof, i was not able to build my faith, and i didnt know how to because faith was being assured of something not beheld, not seen, felt or senced in any way. Even though my family has been a bulwark of the congregation for many years and we never "forsook" and open family study based on the bible reading portion, i was always confused as to how i couldn't build my faith. Everything else was so easy, the love, the joy, the hope, the long-suffering and the mildness, etc... It was just the faith that eluded me... It just goes to show...
I prayed and prayed fervently to Jehovah to give me strength... i read and re-read the gospels, the epistles and the psalms in conjunction with my normal bible reading... i prayed to "Jehovah" and then apologised if i was addressing him in the wrong way; at one point i even addressed him as something like "Dear Heavenly Father, Jehovah, or Yahweh my Creator and my God", i stated that i hoped i hadn't offended him in my prayer and that he could see that my heart was open and that i was genuine.
I asked him forgiveness if he deemed me audacious for asking for a "sign" like the crowd that listened to Jesus did, but i also asked him if i was being unreaonable in expecting to experience something before believing it, and if i was unreasonable or audacious, for him to please change my thought pattern so it can be in line with what he thought of as submissive. (I never believed that submissiveness was just accepting being spoon-fed, without at least inquiring, after all that is what the other churches do, don't they?)... I asked him for compassion and mercy, and most of all for faith, so that i could worship him with the strength and conviction as i saw others worshipping him. i tried absolutely everything...
It wasn't until my mid-to-late teens that i actually wished the demons would just attack me and get it over with, that i'd be able to see some unexplained levitation or even that a demon could strangle me at night so that i could shout out "JEHOVAH!!!", and he would be with me and protect me and bring about a peace in me that would stregthen my faith... I prayed to God to stop protecting me, just for even a moment, so that i could see their evil... I tried talking to Jesus once, and made it clear that it wasn't a prayer of worship, just a few words of gratitude. At another point in my late teens i prayed directly to Jesus... (My faith was totally shipwrecked long before i even got a chance to pray to Satan the Debbil for the same thing)... I looked and looked for a way, even a subtle way in which my prayer could have been answered, but nothing happened, all i got was the typical legalism of the Watchtower... and Jehovah lost a sheep... so much for leaving the 99 and looking for the one...