Being raised in a cult and having everything planned for you, all questions you have either answered or forbidden, and your future planned out for you almost to the hour, is it that unreasonable to say you could be afraid to be free?
Case in point - me. As soon as I was away from the home I grew up in, it wasn’t 6 months before I was engaged. Looking back I know it was because it was the first person who was interested in me. I guess after growing up and having everything you loved including people taken from you a time or two, you fear it. But for JW’s it is more than that, because you also have a great deal of restriction on your life, and are most likely always on the watch for someone to see you doing something that might stumble somebody, and report you. So sometimes I wonder if I got married so quick because I had just gotten a large dose of freedom and had a subconscious draw for restriction?
Then as time went on, and I figured out my marriage wasn’t right for me or my wife, again there came freedom. And again it wasn’t long before I had another relationship that eventually put almost the exact same restrictions on my decisions and personal freedoms as the org had. Over time I tired of it and had flashes of brilliance as I figured out what I really needed, to be alone for a while, be free, and become ME, not just what other people wanted me to be.
True to form, that lasted a few weeks, and again I was back in another relationship, and I was totally blind to the reality of it. I had no business being in it, and neither did she. Looking back, I knew it, and I ignored it because the “other” need was so much greater…by perception anyway.
So long story short (I know…too late), now I am again alone. It is a struggle, but I am trying to stay that way this time, really am. Most of the time it feels really, really good. I can go where I want when I want and answer to no one. My cell phone can stay in the car, or even off and there is no one to ask me what I was doing. The strange thing is, though, it’s more stressful to not have anyone who would care about what you may be doing, almost like things aren’t right if someone isn’t irritated with you or there is no big issue. So then we start to create issues…and it’s a struggle not to. Strange how we usually can’t see we do that at the time, but looking back it’s so apparent what we do. We create drama because we are comfortable with it.
I truly want someone to share my life with, but I also figured out my life has always been a life others have chosen for me, from what I liked to wear to who I call friends. So I can’t share what I am now, because it’s still not me. As long as I am still so much of a product of other people’s direct influence instead of a product of my own experiences, I will never be free of the Org, because that is where it all began. They taught us to value others opinions before our own…making us slaves in our own minds. What we like is what we were told it was ok to like. Now it’s time to figure out what I like, to become the real me. Then, and only then will I be worthy enough to have another person love me the way I want.
Now if I can only remember this tomorrow! J
WLG