How long is too long?

by Insomniac 47 Replies latest social relationships

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  Elsewhere

  Just be careful not to push the topic too hard. Men have been trained by the courts (Alimony, splitting assets upon divorce, etc...) to perceive such demands as an attempt to "steal" assets in a legal manner. Did his last wife "clean him out"?

  I think you two are perfect for each other, only you two have a different perception of "marriage".

  You perceive it as a status symbol (not a cheap shakeup) and life long commitment to another person. He has been married before and went through a divorce. Because of this his perception of marriage has changed to one of low regard and of little meaning. I suspect you may still have the "fairy tail" fantasy of what marriage is. I have known many young women who went through childhood fantasizing about getting married and having a big wedding in which they were the "beautiful princes" getting all of the attention for that day. If they ever got "too old" they began to panic and to think they were a failure because they had not fulfilled their fantasy. They also did not want to be seen as an "old maid" or "cheap shackup".

  The bottom line is that you two are not seeing eye-to-eye on this matter and are both "dug in" on each side. This has caused communication to break down and subtle hostilities to sink in.

  My advice: Seek couples counseling.

  Don't think couples counseling is a sign of failure, it is a sign of potential growth.

  I'm afraid you may be resistant to counseling because you may view it as a "failure" just as you view not being married as a "cheap shakeup".

  Here is a very important question: Do you frequently fear that others are judging you because you are not meeting their own personal standards?
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  Insomniac

  Little Toe- you've hit the nail on the head. He does tend to say that, as things are so perfect, why make any changes? I say, if humanity as a whole held that attitude, we'd still be living in caves, banging rocks together. I feel that things can always be improved; he feels that while that may be so, it's not neccessary.

  Rebel8- he did at one time hint at us co-habiting. I told him that I didn't care to be lumped in with his past lovers. If I'm so much more special than them (as he says,) I should be his wife, not just another chick he shacks up with.
• 

  Insomniac

  Elsewhere, buddy, maybe you're right. I do on one level have an idealized fantasy of my wedding day. What woman doesn't, though? However, I'm old enough to have some sense of what marriage entails- very few romantic notions there.

  His divorce was semi-amicable. He paid more than he would have liked, but far less than he could have. They're still on reasonably friendly terms. Every year he gives me money to buy her birthday and Christmas presents, which he sends her. She still loves him and wants him to come back, but he's out of love with her.

  And yes, I care how others perceive me. That's not a bad thing, is it- to want to fit in with society, to be normal? I don't think so, but I know I'm not the poster child for self-esteem or mental health. Counseling is a good idea. I've made the suggestion, but he says couples should be able to work things out on their own. He did go to school (in the 70's) to be a sex therapist, so he's got mad opinions on the subject.
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  LittleToe

  Which just goes to prove that it's because of women that we don't still eat our own toenails. They forced us to wear neckties and to leave the womb-like comfort of the cave, to go make something of ourselves.

  Is it so bad that we yearn to return to the good old days of clubbing a prospective spouse?
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  Insomniac

  Oi, I'm fixing to club him, if he won't fish or cut bait.
• 

  Elsewhere

  I think my main point is that you have judged others as a "cheap shackup" and viewed them with contempt. Now you are faced with a situation where, by your own standard, you will be a "cheap shackup".

  If he refuses to go to couples counseling, then go by yourself. Half is better than nothing.

  I'd hate to see soul mates be forced to breakup over an issue like this. Soul mates are hard to come by and trust me, right now the dating scene is a freak show.
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  Insomniac

  Elsewhere- what works for others is fine, and I don't judge them too harshly for it. But for me, living together would just not feel right. Keep in mind, I'm tremendously old-fashioned about this one subject, while rather progressive about others. If someone else feels that living together is ok, then for them it is ok. But it gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomache to think of doing it myself. To then move in with him, feeling as I do, would be a grave mistake, leading to me hating myself and hating him; I couldn't do that to us.
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  Cupcake

  you hit the nail on the head thats exactly how i feel .... does he know how you feel? and if he does does he care enough to make it right? What is the big deal if your already doing everything a married couple is doing. tell him that you wanna die being mrs.? not alone.
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  Insomniac

  
  Forgive me, all. I'm under a lot of stress at the moment, so I'm obssessing over this more than usual. All the feelings I'm having are certainly valid, and I stand by every statement I've made, but the truth is, I'm usually able to supress things better than this thread would make it appear. The thing I'm trying to remind myself of just now, is that there is no need for urgency; it's been simmering for 6 1/2 years, it'll keep a bit longer. Neither of us should make any rash decisions of whether to stay or go. But, it does help my decision-making process to verbalize my feelings, and to read other's opinions on the matter.

  OK, back to holding it in, for now.
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  teela(2)

  I am going at this from another direction. He has made his feelings on this subject clear. The question is are you prepared to spend the rest of your life in the relationship as it is now? Because he has made it clear that this is how it is going to be.