Friends - Too Little, Too Late?

by troubled 15 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  troubled

  I posted this onto a previous thread, but wanted to start it on a new one as well.

  As JWs, we lack the "social outlet" all humans need, to have true friends one can speak openly and honestly with and not be afraid of judgmentalism. What I've seen firsthand is that the "nucleus" of the congregation often has this need filled: elders, ms's, pioneers, and their families often do things together. If you're at the meetings and out in service on a regular basis, rubbing elbows with others, you get some support. If you are doing well, you have friends. But if you are having problems, have an unbelieving mate, severe health problems, or in some other way don't fit into the typical mold, you are often overlooked or ignored. My husband and I have been in both situations, so we know.

  When he was an MS, when I pioneered, when we went where the need was great, we had all kinds of friends and invitations to do things socially. Many times, every weekend. But now that he's no longer an MS and I'm not a pioneer, things are different. ESPECIALLY since we started suffering depression, things have gone downhill for us socially.

  Now, we rarely ever get invited to anything social, unless it's a "shower" where a gift is expected (usually from someone who has not shown interest in being a friend at any other time). We don't even get invited in field service. Almost every week, WE call around, looking for someone to work with. We only get invited out 1 or 2 times a year. Lately, it's to the point where we call 2 or 3 couples in a row, they all have service plans already, so we just forget it and don't go out at all.

  Also, if we want to socialize, we almost always have to initiate it ourselves. It's very discouraging. And yet we're told not to have friends in the world. So where does that leave you? I can take not socializing alot, but my husband needs friends. And if he doesn't get them in the Hall, he will get them somewhere else. I know that. It's just all very sad. We're the ones that are supposedly "spiritually weak," but we're the only ones reaching out to try to keep the connection going.

  My husband has told the elders several times that we've not had a shepherding call for 3 years. Now that we're both THOROUGHLY discouraged, they want to make one. But we're not sure it will solve anything. It almost feels like "too little, too late." We know how sheparding calls go. We already know the importance of "prayer, association, study, and service." And if we unload on them, they will just feel defensive.

  If they share encouraging scriptures about how we're valued and needed in Jehovah's organization, those words will feel pretty good. But unless they are followed up by heartfelt action, they don't mean much. Making a quick call, having a
  cup of coffee, and sharing a few scriptures (and then going back to ignoring us again) isn't going to fix the problem.

  So I don't know what we'll decide to do, if we'll have them come over or just say No, Thanks.
• 

  larc

  Troubled,

  Since your husband has more of a social need, it is a good time for him to start making friends at work, with neighbors, and among relatives who are not JWs. There are some nice folks out there. I know it is hard to do, because the Witness mindset is to not trust anyone out there. It is true, that there are people that can't be trusted, but they are in the minority in my experience. Good luck on your new interpersonal adventure.
• 

  peterstride

  I know how you feel troubled....I went through the same myself (and many others too have experienced it).

  Unlike the brothers and sisters in the Kingdom Hall, you can speak and express yourself here without fear of being judged by us (well, except for a few fanatic JWs that post here to harass those that need help).

  As long as you're towing the party line to the point of fanaticism, you'll have invitations and (supposed) friends. But if things don't go that well for you, you're left out at a time when you need help the most. Incredible isn't it, but that's how this man made religion/cult makes its members act. Sad, actually.

  The elders won't lift a finger to help you...but, should they hear that you might have done something outside of party policy...well...all of a sudden they'll have hours and hours available to pursue an investigation, in order to "keep the organization clean".

  Whatever happened to the good shepperd that left the 99 sheep behind in order to find the one that had strayed?

  I found out the hard way that the organization isn't all that loving. You don't have real friends that you can speak to...in reality, you're afraid to speak from your heart, because anyone hearing it could turn you in to the elders for things that you say that don't go along with the society's teachings. Kind of like a police state, isn't it? Say the wrong thing, and you're arrested and interrogated.

  If you haven't read Raymond Franz's books, you might want to take a look at "In Search of Christian Freedom". It's an eye opener, and you'll realize the things that Ray says are true. He experienced first hand the "unloving" organization at work.

  Sincerely,

  Peter Stride
  Toronto, Canada
• 

  Billygoat

  troubled,

  I too have seen that type of "friendship" in the congregation. Many - not all - of the JW friends I had were fair-weather friends. They were quick to help when it benefitted them. (Made them look good in front of others, etc.) But for me when the going got tough - the tough turned tail and ran away. Since I've been out of The Tower, I've discovered friends that have stuck with me through thick and thin. They literally would stand up for me when everyone they knew would oppose me and them! Friendships in the Organization is only something that you do when it doesn't go against what The Society tells you. It doesn't have anything to do with God!!!

  Stick around - you'll find friends here on the board or at work. Please keep reaching out in avenues other than the congregation. Trust me - you'll be surprised!

  Billygoat
• 

  patio34

  Hi Troubled,

  It's so nice to meet you and hear your thoughts.

  Boy! Your story could have almost been written by me. I stopped meeting attendance about 5 months ago & have realized the same things. People 'help' only if you're always out in service. I've had health problems for a couple of years and the 'friends' dwindled fairly rapidly.

  I'm relieved to be out of that kind of hurtful society.

  Welcome!

  Pat
• 

  troubled

  Thanks to you who responded. I guess we've decided to go ahead and have that sheparding call. I plan to enter into it as tactfully, yet honestly, as possible. I can't continue to gloss over major problems going on. But on the other hand, if I ever give up and walk away from the organization, I want to know I've tried as hard as I possibly could. So onward I go.
• 

  trevor

  troubled,

  Witnesses are fond of saying that they have not got a friend in the world, the world being those outside the Society. When members go through a difficult time for domestic or financial reasons, they will find that they do not have a friend in the world - literally. Members are not supposed to have anything more than minor problems. It is an embarrassment to the congregation to have members with serious problems. They are expected to be above the worries that affect worldly people, so when members most need help they often find themselves avoided.

  The danger in coming forward and showing oneself to be a true friend is the risk of being identified with the member who is seen as giving a bad witness. Most members will not want to be seen associating with those who are struggling. Some will believe that the member with problems has lost God’s spirit.

  You need friends who will stand by you no matter what. Friends who won't judge you of shun you if your understanding of life alters. Such friends can't be found in a controled group like the JW's.
• 

  Grunt

  I am always impressed with the people on this board. If you want good, honest advice this is the spot. As usual, I agree with all that has been said. I am glad you are not being made a part of the congregation, for your sakes. It may lessen their hold on you and help keep you from spreading more lies. It is as you said, they aren't real friends anyway so why try and cultivate them? Get some real friends. As a witness, there is a good chance you have left some real friends and relatives by the wayside. They would probably be happy to have you back and out of the cult.
  As for the visit with the elders, why do it? You probably know more about what they believe than they do. You know all they have to offer and it has fallen short of what you need. Unless you are prepared to start doing those things that make you acceptable, why meet? Unless you want to try and open their eyes a little. If you have no relatives to forfeit then by all means prepare, pick your subjects (my particular favorite is the mediatorship) and know their side and yours, memorize a few scriptures, have your Watch Tower quotes ready and let them into the trap. Maybe you can put a crack in that brick wall the TOWER has surrounded them with and though they wouldn't say it or let it show you can deliver a powerful blow. Odds are they will shrug it off, but this board is full of ex-Witnesses who didn't. It took a little time, but here we are, and all of us had something that started us out of the cult.
  You don't owe them anything. Just the opposite. You have given and have lost a lot. Protect what yourselves and what family you have left and leave in the manner of your own choosing. I wish you all the best.
• 

  zev

  dear troubled,

  good day

  a few thoughts from my own troubled mind. i hope they help you.

  i too have been subject to a sheaparding call or two. always the theme is, we need you, and your not up to par. i balk. i used to be a servant. no longer, many years now. i noticed years ago a troubling disturbance, as was mentioned above, by another poster. serious and deep problems. even mental ones. i used to make fun of them. i was young and hadn't grasped what the real problems were. a VERY high number of dubs under doctors care for mental illnesses. i'm sorry if i'm not being p.c. here, i mean no harm or foul. i take an entirely different approach now, now that i am a person who indeed, needs professional help due to the things i have discovered about a life long cult i have belonged to.

  all this has made me think.

  and re-think.

  now, i am no longer critical of those i see in the cong. all messed up. in some cases, not all, things are the way they are because people bring their troubles on themselves. in other cases, maybe they have difficulty reconciling the very things you and i have discovered recently.

  so when the call comes, i receive with coffee and dognuts, and smile and stuff, but they have known that i find some things that have happened to me in another congregation disturbing, and no, i will not ever resume a position within this org ever again.

  please, i know how you feel. you want to bust, you want to ask so many questions, and demand answers of these pitifull men.

  troubled, they wont have them. and, even worse they wont care. even if you have every t crossed and every i dotted, in the end, your trouble, with a capitol t and expelled you will be, because we MUST keep JEHOVAH'S org clean.

  please be very, very careful, what you say, and what you question. VERY careful. if you let them do all the talking, so much the better. at least you'll see, what their true motives are.

  service time, meeting attendence, prayer, and loyalty oath to the org, and proper associations.

  my thoughts, and prayers, are with you, as we seem to be struggling through some difficult times together.

  -Zev, honourary member, The hurling class
  __
  Zev
  The greatest consistancy of the WTBTS is their INconsistancy.
• 

  Prisca

  dear troubled,

  The way you describe your cong fits the one I was in exactly. I have been in the position of being the active, popular one with heaps of social invites. In time though, I began to see the way things were in the WTS, I slowed down in my activity, and noticed that the invites also decreased at the same rate. In the last year I was attending meetings, the number of social invites could be counted on one hand, if that.

  I also made the mistake of associating with the "black sheep" of the cong, the ones who needed some encouragement after being reinstated from being df'd, or those who were considered low spiritually. I tried to help them and encourage them. Because of my association with these persons, which involved social activities, as well as meeting and f/s with these ones, I too was ostracised.

  The lack of social invites for me, a single gal living on her own, made me very down on the Society. I had been raised a JW, never took a wrong step, had no "worldly" friends, and yet my own supposedly "brothers and sisters" were not interested in me! And yes, I did organise some social outings of my own, but received such a poor rsponse I wondered what was the matter with these people!!

  troubled, my advice is not to discourage your husband from making friends from work etc. It is obvious to yourselves that the local cong isn't interested in you or your real welfare. And as long as you don't toe the party line to the nth degree, you will continue to be ignored by your "brothers and sisters".

  I've had shepheding visits in the past. I have tried to explain where the problems laid, and how to encourage those who are in need of help, but it falls on deaf ears. The "love" of these elders is very self-serving and hypocritical, and I don't bother with meeting with them anymore.

  I'm sorry that you are in this position, but as you can see, many on this board have gone through similar experiences. Try not to let this situation get you down emotionally. Rmember that you are serving God, and thus do not need to worship him via a self-appointed religious group.

  Stick around, and you will find much support here. I hope you find some peace in your life.