Friends - Too Little, Too Late?

by troubled 15 Replies latest jw friends

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  Disengaged

  Dear Troubled, If misery loves company you have plenty of company. Same shit here after 25 years of busting ass. They can all go to hell. oops Hades.
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  BoozeRunner

  WoW Troubled!! I had the same experience as you and many others here.
  As long as you are towing the party line, you can talk, and request help til you are blue in the face. Too often tho, help isnt forthcoming until elders perceive that you are leaving.

  Makes me wonder if they ever took to heart the scripture in which Jesus tells how a sheperd will leave his flock to rescue a lost sheep.

  Boozy
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  Preston

  Troubled, I think its fair to say that a lot of people understand where you're coming from. I've always viewed relationships in the congregation as being kinda screwy. In a way, I think the majority of people in the congregation want to do the right thing (they want to make God happy, obey the Bible, etc, etc, etc...) but living in such a closed organization, has prevented a lot of people from understanding how REAL friendships work. After all, the majority of people in the organization live a separatist life always behind a brick wall, (so to speak), separating themselves from society. In such a case, you can either do two things: break the wall down, or stay within the confines of the organization. In the congregation, you have to follow the letter of the law and put God above people, so a good brother or sister understandably wants to feel safe in such an organization where safety is measured by obeying everthing the Bible and Organization says. To feel safe many feel attracted to people who don't think for themselves, who have a strong family background in the organization, and who don't get into "trouble". Likewise, there are a lot of other values, which are valued within our society as the congregation as well: such as being great socially, good looking, fun to be around and cheerful as the Jehovah's Witnesses in the Watchtower and Awake (essentially the so-called ideal). I agree that I feel more comfortable with people who know how to talk, listen, have a great smile, but, it seems like it's hard for people in the congregation to break out of their mold and associate with people who don't fit the "ideal". Even I associate with people who don't fit the ideal. I can probably count the number of good friends I have on my right hand. Likewise, how many cheerful people will you really find in the congregation. To put it very bluntly, it hurts being one of Jehovah's Witnesses, and when I'm hurt, I'm not going to smile for anyone unless my profession requires it, and it doesn't. In the congregation, you can't cry when you feel sad, you can't voice your disagreements when you're moved to do so, you can't grieve when you truly want to. It's almost like a job, which, in a way, it is. While striving to be so professional, it seems so hard to be an emotional person. You live a life behind a psychological brick wall and behind a figurative brick wall. And that's wrong, it means, you can never be liked for who you are, or you can never be who you are, or you've part of a minority of people that feels 100% comfortable handing over their personality to whoever's in charge. I say, "no more brick walls", being a Jehovah's Witness is a burden that nobody should carry, especially if you have no friends. Jesus said that those who would come to him whould have no shortage of friends or mothers or brothers or sisters, so when people in the congregation don't have it you know something's wrong. I think its also fair to say that you're not the only one who feels this way in your congregation. There are many, many, MANY people in the congregation who feel neglected, unimportant, etc.... which is sad becuase many people have sacrificed their jobs, family and even their friends in order to find their niche in the organization. When I voiced my concerns to the elders I was always the one criticized for not having friends...I was too scar, intimidating. I was also probably the only person in my age group to associate with the elderly, the disabled, orphans.... Needless, to say, the elder didn't have a clue as to who was really reaching out to people. Troubled, you have talked before on the difficulty of making friends and to tell you the truth, you're too good of a person to feel this way, and God doesn't like seeing you upset while feeling like you're serving him. He wants you to be happy and make friends, so join a club, take a theater class, join a hiking club...everybody's looking for something, especially friendship, hope, love... and it should make you feel happy that you're not the only one. Just keep these four words in mind: THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX. You won't regret it.
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  Francois

  Suggest you go to the nearest Epsicopal Church. Just for fun. See if anything happens.

  Note: They do not have horns. Do not speak in tongues, do not sacrifice goats during the service. But BOY is that communion wine good!

  Francois

  Where it is a duty to worship the Sun you can be sure that a study of the laws of heat is a crime.
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  NameWithheld

  I always noticed that friendship in JW land was a conditional thing. In most cases, it was hard work to stay included in the 'in crowd' (there's always an 'in crowd' in each cong). And making friends would be impossible since you ALWAYS had to tread so lightly lest you offend someone (someone was ALWAYS getting offended, hurt, etc). Or people would step all over you to make themselves look better or better their position in the cong. Or take advantage of you ... it always seemed like a big game or rat race to climb all over each other. No wonder JW's are stressed out all the time! The # of people who ever really cared about me for who I was and not some other selfish reason I could count on one hand.

  On the other hand, I have never in my life been exposed to as many people who are truely friendly in a non-selfish was as I am now - all 'worldy' people too . One difference seems to be is that non-JWs don't try and invade every portion of your life, they are content to simply associate and enjoy your company w/out being nosey and judgemental. And we can disagree one things, even major things and still get along. Amazing.
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  cathy4school

  Hi Troubled: I wanted to talk to you about how you are feeling when it comes to seeking out friends in the organization. Been there and done that and as you have stated either you are in or you are out. JW's always claim to be so loving and kind but the truth is they are selfish and very opinionated. I have friends outside the group which I held on to for many years and am I glad I did, because no one in the group (which I was affiliated with for over 20 years) talks to me at all because I don't attend meetings anymore. I don't know where they get the idea they have the right to judge others and also condemn them. I really don't think they have a clue how to be a good friend and honest friend because their friendships are conditional. When I used to go to the meetings I would sit with my family and hardly anyone conversed with us, unless it was about service or meeting attendance. My opinion on the whole issue is that friendship should be valued and no one should look down on others but they do. If I were you, I would not get upset about it because they don't really care how much it hurts you and besides you can find good people in here to talk to. Who knows, maybe someday you will recognize someone in here that you know. What always got me thinking was how the JW's claim they are loving but I found that not to be the case at all. If you want to be friends with them then you better do everything they tell you to do and don't argue with any of them or they will mark you as "evil". Good luck to you.