I was wondering, for those of you who have left the organization, how long did the transition take? I mean, how long after you left did you feel up in the air, in turmoil, lost, unsettled? Long long before you felt comfortable with the decision and basically happy with your life?
How Long Did the Transition Take?
by troubled 14 Replies latest jw friends
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joelbear
Hi Troubled,
I can speak only for myself. But my journey to recovery and happiness is ongoing. I started doubting when I was about 20 and was DFed when I was 30, I am now 43. Maybe I am just a slow healer.
More likely, its because the wound keeps getting reopened since all my family are still witnesses.
hugs
Joel
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gsark
I have been 'out' for 13 years, and I am still in the healing process. 2 years ago I graduated from nursing school, at age 40, that's how long it took to recover from the 'barefoot and pregnant' mentality of the org.
And I do agree with Joelbear, healing is longer if any close family is still 'in'.
But the sooner one gets started, the better.
Life is a roller coaster. Get in, sit down, shut up and hang on!
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muslima
I believe it varies from individual to individual. After 6 years I still feel dazed and confused about alot of things. Sometimes it bothers me, other times it doesn't. I will probably always feel like an outsider looking in but it is better than an insider looking longingly out...
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Simon
Once we had made the decision that it wasn't the truth which probably took 6 months to a year (although there was a lifetime behind it if you know what I mean) then actually leaving and feeling good about leaving didn't really take long.
At first there are the usual doubts that are bound to exist after a lifetime of indoctrination - what if they're right? what if it IS the truth? This is why good research is important so that you can be confident that you are doing the right thing.
Once we left, we started feeling much better very quickly and are both much happier now than we ever were as JWs.
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Seeker
About a year until the worst of the uncertainty was over. Having the Net helped a LOT. I was never alone through the process.
After a couple of years, I was truly happier than I had ever been in my life. That feeling has only grown greater since.
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Mommie Dark
This is a highly individual process. It depends on your personal circumstances. Some folks adjust relatively fast; others need much more time and effort to feel any sort of balance. The important thing is for you to take your time, gather as much information as you can comfortably absorb, and then permit yourself the necessary space in which to process it . Real truth has nothing to fear from rigorous examination; feel free to examine the facts at a comfortable pace for YOU. Some people feel such a sense of urgency and dread when they first glimpse the 'man behind the curtain' that they leap into the first replacement 'salvation package' offered. Knowledge is power; how much knowledge will you need to make an informed decision about your future? Unfortunately, no one but you can figure that out.
I was in turmoil, lost, unsettled, while I was IN the organization. I was always comfortable with my decision to leave, because I KNEW there was something irrevocably wrong about the Society, although I hadn't seen all the proof yet. (I must say though that seeing my suspicions and conclusions validated online did give me a sense of satisfied closure.)
I can't help you with the happiness question; that seems to me to be partly temperament, partly circumstance. If you are determined to live a happy balanced life, and you're willing to learn new ways to do that, you stand a good chance of making fast progress. If you have a lot of emotional baggage, don't expect deculting to make that burden any easier to tote. Those raised in it from early childhood often have the hardest time learning what true balance and happiness are. I found it was hard to separate the cult from the family dysfunction; the problems often overlap.
As has been said before, finding a support system and a social routine outside the JW congregation is very helpful. The more well-rounded your activities, the faster you will feel a part of your community. Isolation is depressing unless you genuinely choose a solitary existence.
Professional counseling can be useful in sorting out any tangles you may discover while sorting out your ethical issues. Sometimes a neutral sounding board is needed to help you step back and view a situation more objectively. Here, too, you should feel free to examine any therapist's offerings and choose what works for you.
If you're looking for a comfortable replacement 'salvation package' to plug into the empty socket left behind after you wrench the Tower out of your heart, I can't help you. Real life doesn't come with guarantees.
Not all of us who have left the Tower are happy or comfortable. We are, however, free to decide for ourselves how to pursue comfort and happiness. Personal responsibility is an awesome thing. Happiness finds me incidentally in this journey through life, and I embrace it when it visits. The rest of the time, I try to laugh at the absurdities as I bumble along the roads less travellled. It makes the inevitable slogging easier to bear.
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Francois
It is said that a marriage is over about two years before it hits the courts.
As far as I'm concerned, my association with the JWs was over long before I left. So when I did leave, there was no adjustment period.
Francois
Where it is a duty to worship the Sun you can be sure that a study of the laws of heat is a crime.
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NameWithheld
Ditto Francoise, I was gone way before I quit attending meetings. Just didn't realize I was gone! First off I simply knew that I HATED going to meetings and field service (in fact I had always hated FS from the time I can recall since I felt hypocritical going to peoples doors and had NO desire to be there talking to them). Meetings became more and more of a chore to watch hypocritical men (whom you knew nice secrets about) proudly struting about the cong as an 'example' to the flock, giving talks, judging others, etc, etc. And they're spewing the same old crap EVERY meeting. More FS, more meetings, more donations, more more more. And the 'ignore the problems, Jah will take care of them' only goes so far in MY book. All the while they're looking down their noses at you 'cause you didn't get 10 hours last month.
Didn't help they yanked the 80 year generation out from under us - that just about nailed it in my mind. All that time growing up - "you won't graduate high school" oops, "you won't get married", etc. After hearing how your parents were feed and bought the same bunk, and they're now grandparents (Won't graduate HS, rrrrriiiight .....) and facing retirement with NO money, NO savings, NOTHING. Oh but don't worry the new system will be here before they retire ... rrrriiiiight. If not the local elders will provide for them - oh, you mean they won't? I guess it's time for gov't houseing then, 'cause Jehovah's org is too busy printing new light.
What a bunch of BS!
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paulvarjak
Troubled,
I left in October of last year. I think the things that helped me most were my friendship with non-JWs and reading, reading, reading. The Ray Franz books are great, The Gentile Times Reconsidered and Who Wrote the Bible by Richard Elliott Friedman are some of my favorites. Research helps to exorcise the 'What if I'm wrong?', 'I'm gonna die at Armegeddon' thoughts. Secondly, seek out new friends (it works for people leaving the hall the same way it works for bible studies coming in). The world outside and the people in it are not nearly as bad as we've been taught. That's what got me through the initial hardship.
I still battle with anger due to the stance of my family or when I see JWs at the grocery or at a resturant, but time brings perspective and perspective brings healing.