RANT: Desultory ramblings of a frustrated cult member

by dorayakii 15 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  dorayakii

  After almost a year of living abroad, away from my parents and away from anything even remotely Watchtower related, having allowed myself to not worry about these silly little things (yet convincing my parents that i was still going); now that i've been back for about 6 weeks, i feel that i have to put on a double effort to cover over things that i've said or done, and avoid using "suspect" words or phrases like "cheers" or "good luck". Its driving me crazy at the moment, and 10 times more than it was doing before i moved out.

  Today, i had a mini panic attack at having told a "worldly" friend of mine "good luck". For a split second, as the acidic taste of adrenaline came into my mouth, i thought, "shit, did i just say "good luck"??... shit, did i just say "shit" out loud or was it in my head?... phew!, thank god she's not a witness!!!... damn, what am i getting all worked up for?"

  I feel absolutely ridiculous saying all this out loud, even to myself, but i just thought i'd post it up here on JWD so i can see if anyone else feels a similar way about assimilating back into Watchtower life after being away for a little while. I feel that i've come a long way in not feeling guilt for desiring to live my life according to my own morals and not those of the WTS, but when little things like that happen, i feel like ive taken several huge steps backwards...

  I also feel, that in my desire to fade quietly, i panic when i say or do anything minor that may make people suspicious. I cant bare to listen to talks anymore, yet i punish myself by listening. I'm afraid of missing out on some "point" that was made which everyone talks about afterward. I feel like the congregations eyes are all over me. Ive missed a good few meetings since i've been back, and i've barely done 4 hours of ministry, yet the P/O still wont leave me alone and asks me to become a Ministerial Servant... Maybe its because im so adept at maintaining the typical Stepford Wives-esque "Kingdom smile" at the Hall, i just cant seem to get rid of it... maybe its because im afraid to reject assignments; i was volonteered to help out at two conventions in the last few weeks, and am constantly volonteered for talks even though my name is still not back on "the board"...

  God i feel so foolish... Why is is so hard for me to fade?... What can i do as the son of a prominant elder?... Part of my problem with fading is an unhealthy fear of being disfellowshipped; so maybe its time for me to just pack up and go... Its just not normal to get so worked up about such silly things as a simple "good luck"... I swear im doing myself some psychological damage by living my life in this way. Who am i impressing? Why do i care?... Its driving me mad!!!
• 

  Scully

  I did something similar recently. We were visiting some JW relatives we hadn't seen in many years, and in the midst of catching up on some updates about people we used to know, I caught myself saying "Oh my gawd" a couple of times.

  I found it quite disturbing that a simple phrase like that could be a dead giveaway to our present status, and after catching myself, I was paying far more attention to what I was saying so as not to "slip" again. Mind you, as a teen, "oh my gawd" was one of my phrases of choice, so I could always just say that it was a slip and a bad habit that I am constantly working on.

  You can use a similar approach... "Oh $h!t! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to say Good Luck. erm, or $h!t. I picked up some real nasty habits while I was living with, I mean, a-broad. Excuse me while I go pray. Or read the Bible. Or the Youth book."

  Now as far as being Volun-Told to do things, it's time you start practicing a very useful skill. This skill will serve you well for the rest of your life. This skill, very simply, is the skill to SAY NO. Now, you needn't be rude or obnoxious about it. You can do it with such finesse that people will be hard pressed to find a reason for not accepting your response.

  Try this:

  "I'm deeply humbled that the brothers want me to give impromptu talks whenever someone cancels. But I've done a few already, and I wouldn't want someone else to miss such a great opportunity to put their scriptural knowledge to the test on such short notice. I hope you don't mind if I pass on it this time. But thanks so much for thinking of me again."
• 

  ringo5

  You Might this thread helpful...
  
  http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/94962/1.ashx
• 

  Carmel

  Oh what a tangled web we weave.....

  carmel
• 

  ScoobySnax

  you're not alone [edit]. edited to protect privacy ~ Scully
• 

  Cygnus

  I enjoyed your post. I'm not happy about what you're going through, but you did mention being the son of a prominent elder if I'm not mistaken. Maybe you could talk to him about your "doubts" and get a feel for how he'd react. Start with 10% of the truth and work up from there if he's understanding and receptive.
  edit: oh and just so you know, while married to a JW I went through all that, and finally decided no (religious) man is gonna tell me what to do, how to view/behave spiritually, and I stood up for my feelings and told the elders to go fuck themselves. Maybe you get DF'd. Maybe, horribly, you lose your dad. But make peace with him. Before my DFing announcement I told my mother-in-law I was gonna get DF'd and she broke down crying and said "if I have to choose between you and Jehovah, I have to choose Jehovah." That was 5 years ago. 'Course i wasn't happy at the time but I got over it. In 5-6 you'll probably get over it too. And the best part is, I say shit good luck, goddamn, and all that and don't think twice. :) But for reasons i wont get into here I refuse to say "god bless you" when someone sneezes (Seinfeld had something to do with that....youre SO good looking)
• 

  karen96

  Unfortunately, being an elder's son is going to continue to put you in these situations. You probably don't want to hear this, but elder's sons' just don't fade away. If the children in his house are not actively worshipping, he can be dismissed as an elder.

  It is a very complicated situation you find yourself in, and it would be easy for anyone to tell you what to do. You must follow your heart. Saying that, I would like to point out that it probably won't get better, and you should think about the consequences living a lie will have on you emotionally and physically.

  Karen
• 

  chrissy

  so maybe its time for me to just pack up and go...

  I think you have the solutions to your problems in this. I cannot imagine going off to live abroad for an entire year, leaving the wt behind and loving life's freedom, only to return to the same ol-same ol monotonous mind control junk. Don't hang around there. Fading will not be easy with your dad's position and the congregational duties he holds...ever. The only thing worse than the initial guilt you may face from fading within close range is the guilt that will follow from your dad being forced to step down and your entire family and cong. looking at you like its all your fault and, "thanks you pathetic evil-doing piece of shit, how do you think this makes your father look?" No you do not need that burden.

  Under normal circumstances I am not one to encourage running away from life's problems. But these are not normal circumstances and henceforth I say do run and do it as quickly as you can. You saw how easy it was to live abroad and seems you enjoyed it immensely. Similarly, I packed up and took off when I was slightly younger than you and I have not looked back once. I honestly feel, from experience, that when you are born into this religious infrastructure, and all of your friends and family are witnesses, the only way you can free yourself psychologically is to isolate yourself from the rest of the group. It is bound to suck for awhile with loneliness and whatnot, but no one ever said the road to freedom or the life of an xjw was an easy one.

  Even after some time has passed you are likely to revert back to the old jw ways of thinking but hopefully by that time you will no longer be a prisoner to it. Like a few weeks ago as I was talking on the phone w. a witness gal I grew up with, something she said caused me to scream out, "christ no!" Immediately after there was a moment of dead silence as I thought uht-oh, now look what I've done. But I ended up laughing it off and thinking christ, what do I care?...she called me and I dare her to say something.

  Whatever your next move may be... do not succumb to the pressures of accepting a ministerial servant position. And when they ask you again just say heelll-no. Even if only in your head. I am really rooting for you here.

  good luck guy,

  Chrissy
• 

  dorayakii

  My main fear i think in all this is being branded, and being cut off from some of my family in the truth. I know any news of my "falling away" would spread like a wild summer fire in the dry Australian outback and with that knowledge, even some of my family members who are "weak" in the truth would be forced to reject me out of fear. I have too strong a relationship with my aunt and cousins to force them to have to make such a decision. I live for them... life without them wouldn't just be "lonely", it would be completely meaningess.

  This really is a f***ed up religion if you are forced to have to make decisions like that. Im gobsmacked that some people just cant see the lack of love in this organisation. Im so angry at the moment i need to scream or hit something or cry by way of a catharsis.... im never like this... i never have such strong emotional reactions... i always have this Vulcan-like control over my external reactions.

  The web is indeed too tangled for me to cope. I have always loved to have at least some measure of control over my life, but any direction i take from now on, (other than staying quiet and suffering meetings and ministry for the rest of my life), seems to put me blindfolded in the passenger seat of a driverless car doing 200 mph on the motorway (freeway)...

  "I'm deeply humbled that the brothers want me to give impromptu talks whenever someone cancels. But I've done a few already, and I wouldn't want someone else to miss such a great opportunity to put their scriptural knowledge to the test on such short notice. I hope you don't mind if I pass on it this time. But thanks so much for thinking of me again."

  I'm afraid that by saying summat like this im gonna sound even more spiritual than i already do. I try, i really do, but no matter what i do i just get praise for being soooo lovely and faithful.

  Add to this the complication of my pioneer mother having passed away when i was young and pressure from certain ones in the congregation saying things like "oooh wouldn't it be lovely when she wakes up and sees you again"... it makes me angry and sick to the stomach that they can even say something like that, an (unintentional?) attempt at emotional blackmail... but i just still can't bring myself to just completely go against the grain and stand up for myself and go... im just too mild and sensitive and afraid... and i think a part of it is an acute fear of being talked about in a negative way behind my back. I NEED A PSYCHIATRIST!!!!

  I told my mother-in-law I was gonna get DF'd and she broke down crying and said "if I have to choose between you and Jehovah, I have to choose Jehovah."

  That's such a nasty thing to say, but it just shows how brainwashed they are to stick to a story somebody has told them instead of their flesh and blood family... water is indeed thicker than blood in this case.

  You probably don't want to hear this, but elder's sons' just don't fade away.

  Yep, you've got it right. I know it'll be near impossible to do so. Im absolutely terrified of the alternative.

  Under normal circumstances I am not one to encourage running away from life's problems. But these are not normal circumstances and henceforth I say do run and do it as quickly as you can.

  I want to run... i want to just sprint out and never come back... but im too fragile at the moment, i cant face the consequeces in my current mind-frame... the shunning policy has nothing to do with keeping Jehovah's house clean... its real purpose is to emotianally blackmail the shunned person to choose between staying in the religion and keeping your family or rejecting the religion and losing your family... its cruel and its tearing me apart, and driving me absolutely mad... i need a head massage... or a holiday... (no wait, im already on holiday)

  do not succumb to the pressures of accepting a ministerial servant position. And when they ask you again just say heelll-no.

  Yeah, i will try to continue doing that...

  you're not alone

  thanks Scoob *squeeze*
• 

  AlanF

  Unfortunately, dorayakii, the nature of the JW religion combined with your family's attitude make it pretty certain that, one way or another, you're going to take some major heat. The only way to negate it is to fully rejoin the cult, but I suspect that, like me, you'd be about to explode after a few years of taking in garbage. Probably the best way to minimize the heat is to move away again, since direct confrontation will produce immediate, destructive results for you. After some years pass, and you've gradually dropped a few hints, and refrained from being controntational, some of them may accept you. But a lot depends on the personalities of your relatives.

  Either way, you're going to face some unpleasant times because of the nature of destructive cults like the JWs. Indeed, they're destructive because they put people in horrible positions. You simply have to accept that, short of disowning your mind, your family will give you a hard time. You will prevail.

  AlanF