RANT: Desultory ramblings of a frustrated cult member

by dorayakii 15 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  talesin

  Doray,

  Ah, your comments took me back a few years.

  I have too strong a relationship with my aunt and cousins to force them to have to make such a decision. I live for them... life without them wouldn't just be "lonely", it would be completely meaningess.

  Yes, this was me. It's been rough, not having them around me, but I'm glad I gave it up early in life, rather than waiting around. About 15 years after I was DFd, my grandfather died. At the visitation my aunt who I loved so much, so much!, rushed over and hugged me, and said "Oh how good to see you. I love you!". I carefully extricated myself from her grasp (I actually shuddered), and told her to please not touch me, if she loved me, she could have talked to me at least once in the last 15 years.

  My life hadn't become meaningless, but their very 'conditional' love had.

  Im so angry at the moment i need to scream or hit something or cry by way of a catharsis.... im never like this... i never have such strong emotional reactions... i always have this Vulcan-like control over my external reactions.

  Yes, me too. In fact, one of my nicknames has always been Spock. It wasn't till my late 30s that I began to feel the feelings you are describing. It is healthy!!! Don't shut down, doray, please.

  I NEED A PSYCHIATRIST!!!!

  I concur. Or at least, a therapist or counsellor. You have some mighty big decisions to make, before you lose it completely.

  We'll be here for support. {{{{tight hugs}}}}

  xo

  tal
• 

  scotsman

  Dorayakii

  I have too strong a relationship with my aunt and cousins to force them to have to make such a decision. I live for them... life without them wouldn't just be "lonely", it would be completely meaningess.

  The decision is not forced by you, but by them. I thought life would be meaningless too, which is why I stayed long enough to be an MS, then Elder. You know it wont be, having had your year out and made friends and potentially a support system outside your family. Losing my family and circle of friends at 30 was tragic, and I still go through periods of grief, but my life remains rich. I wish I'd left at the age you are now rather than waste a decade of emotional investments that never paid off.

  The departure is hard but the fear of it was harder. Stay and you'll face intermittent meltdowns that will be inexplicable to your family, and you'll end up leaving and being shunned at a later stage. You need to look after yourself, and you know you're worth it!
• 

  garybuss

  I needed to learn who I am and what is okay with ME, then be loyal to my own standards. Jehovah's Witnesses are in conflict with many of my personal standards, but not all. I don't have any interest in many of their meetings because I'm not theist in outlook. I AM interested in all the literature produced by Watch Tower Publishing Corporation(s).
  I'm not in any hostage situations, and there are no Jehovah's Witness people who have any power over me. Shunners don't phase me. I like it. Jehovah's Witnesses, as a subject, is not an emotional issue for me any more, it's a rational topic now. I have nothing in the world to fear from them and I have nothing to offer them that they could accept.
  I put the Witnesses back down on a level field and I don't give them any debits or credits. I just judge them by how they treat me and how they treat people who are important to me. All children are important to me. How do they treat me, my friends, my family, and their own children? That's pretty objective, pretty measurable.
  If I see them abusing me or any adult, I walk away. If I see them abusing any child, I call 911 . . . AFTER I personally intervene for the child.
  For me being a Jehovah's Witness child was surviving a Holocaust. I had panic attacks and PTSD for years because of the abuse I suffered and because of the abuse I witnessed you suffering. As a group, Jehovah's Witnesses are abusive to children in a horrible way, both by enslaving them in unpaid literature sales, and by physical and emotional, mental abuse. So, personally, I don't allow a child to suffer in my presence. The abuse of a child is my business. That's an example of my personal standards. I have more.
  
  
• 

  Doubtfully Yours

  Dorayakii,

  I know your pain. I feel your pain. I live through this kind of pain daily.

  I too have tried 'fading' for the longest time now, but there's no fading for someone whose family is firm in this religion.

  My family is filled with elders, pioneers, ministerial servants. I love them all very much and can't imagine life without them in it as they're the nicest, funniest bunch one could ever meet. Their strong affiliation to the WBTS keeps me locked in the system and I hate it.

  Keep hanging in there. Make friends elsewhere for the time being.

  DY
• 

  aniron

  Someone said this above

  Unfortunately, being an elder's son is going to continue to put you in these situations. You probably don't want to hear this, but elder's sons' just don't fade away. If the children in his house are not actively worshipping, he can be dismissed as an elder.

  This may be true sometimes. But I have known plenty of Elders whose children have either not become JW's or have left, and have been DF'd. But they still continue to be Elders.

  We had one Elder one of his sons was constantly being "reproved" but became a MS, who later ran off and married a lap dancer and has now stopped going to meetings. He had two daughters who were pregnant when they got married. His wife is taking Valium, has done for years.

  Yet this Elder would go round as if he was Gods gift to the congregation. If you weren't at a meeting he'd want to know why etc.

  He recently had to resign as an Elder. Why? Because he was caught smoking!!!

  I know of other Elders whose children have been DF'd or have even DA'd.

  One had 5 children and not one of them has become a JW. Yet he is well respected and in "'good standing".

  One left for 5 years, came back, a year later he is a MS, another year back to being an Elder.

  Being an Elders son may be difficult in some respects. But I also know that Elders sons are treated differently.
• 

  Smiles

  You could start saying that you are depressed or have chemical allergies to KH perfumes, colognes, cleaning agents, etc. Some personal ailment that makes you physically ill and disables you from joining them like you used to.

  Or you could blame it on work, scheduling. Go out of town a lot. Find some reason to say that you got your feelings hurt and are now stumbled emotionally.