My Dad Isn't There Anymore

by BrendaCloutier 35 Replies latest social family

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  BrendaCloutier

  It really struck me last night that my dad is pretty much gone. He has advanced alzheimers, and is slowly dying of kidney failure from 40 years of diabetes. The family stepped in and said no to dialysis, because it would be 5 hours per day 3 days per week - minimum, for limited return on quality of life. I aplaud my family for their decision. It's only time now - maybe weeks or maybe months until his body follows his mind.

  Where a year ago he was lucid at times knew who I was and would carry on brief pertinent conversation, yesterday he was mostly in and out of sleep, would say a word or two and doze back to sleep again. He was pleasant and welcomed me when I came in the living room, but I really don't think he recognizes me anymore.

  As much as I hated his dogmatic zeal for JWism, I wish I had him back.

  My mom broke her hip on July 8th. She has been given the all clear to walk as much as she can on it including stairs. She has been dealing with my dad's incontinence (both ends) for 5 years by herself because she wont ask for help unless she is backed into a corner.

  Since my mom broke her hip, my sister and her husband have been spending afternoons there. My s-i-l is spending mornings there, and my nephew (45 yo bachelor very active JW) spends the night there. So they have had support. I wish I were in a physical possition that I could play a more active role, but my own health won't allow anything other than phone calls or occasional visits My visit yesterday was so draining it put me down for 15 hours, and the emotional pain has reverberated into class 9-10 physical pain today. Dammit.

  For them I wish their new system could have come. They put so much effort into it. I feel pity for them. I don't know what my mom will do when dad dies. I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't far behind. She's healthy as an 88 year old horse right now! And can run circles around any of her kids.

  I had to get it out. Damn. I knew this would come some time. I always figured it would be a phonecall from someone in the family saying "dad died last month and we had the funeral without you".
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  el jarocho mayor

  ((((Tia Brenda)))) Lo siento.
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  prophecor

  I U Brenny
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  damselfly

  (((((((Brenda)))))))

  What an emotionally draining time for you. Even if your Dad doesn't always recognize you, I believe he will be able to sense your emotions. If you have things you want to share with him I would encourage you to do so. It will help you as well.

  All the best,

  Dams
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  Legolas

  (((((((((((((((((((((((((((Brenda))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

  I worked in the nursing field for over 10 years, all in nursing homes and one of the places I worked was the ladies Alzheimer unit. So sad

  I will be thinking of you.
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  BrendaCloutier

  If you have things you want to share with him I would encourage you to do so.

  Thanx Dams, but I actually did that last year. I broke down my own ego and went over to their home, unannouced, and had a lovely visit, where I thanked them both for everything they did for me - from adopting me to raising me; and everything they taught me - sewing, patternmaking, electrical and plumbing, and reading schematics, and using power tools, and cooking, and just how "things" work. I'm so very grateful I was able to do that. It was important to me, but I felt it was much more important to them.

  Passing of a parent still hurts. I'm beginning to really feel the grief. I will be grateful when he has passed.
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  candidlynuts

  hugs brenda.. i lost a relative to the disease a few years ago, its like their spirit has left their body (if we have such a thing as a spirit) , very heart wrenching and you have my prayers and good thoughts.
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  Big Dog

  (((((((((((Brenda))))))))))))))))), I know EXACTLY how you feel. My thoughts are with you.
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  coffee_black

  (((((((Brenda)))))))))

  I'm sooooo sorry.... I know exactly how you feel...My dad died of kidney failure. Like your dad, I lost him long before he actually died... The drs. said that there was so much poison in his system that it was destroying brain cells. He had been an architect and engineer...a briliant man, but was reduced to a shadow of what he had been. He died believing he would wake up in paradise... Near the end he started refusing treatments...and it wasn't long....less than a week. Wish there was something that could be done....

  Coffee
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  Mulan

  Brenda, I can really commiserate with you. My father is pretty vacant in his mind right now too. He hasn't been diagnosed with Alzheimer's but he does have a form of dementia. He still knows my brother, our mother (his ex wife) and me, but others in the family he struggles to recall who they are.

  It's so sad because he was a brilliant, educated man. It breaks my heart to go see him, but I go a couple of times a week, to get the instructions to buy his nail clippers. He is focused on that right now, and no one knows why. He asks his caregivers for nail clippers everyday.