Honest fading a myth?

by Fatfreek 19 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

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  Fatfreek

  Is honest fading possible?

  I've thought several times that if I had it to do over again, living in this age of JWD with all its online support and encouragement -- along with the huge resource of the internet -- that I'd have faded slowly instead of allowed the disfellowshipping because of apostasy.

  On the other hand I wonder if that's all stupid speculation, wishfully thinking it would have prevented the cutting off and the shunning of the remaining family members, especially the children.

  I know you'll correct me if I'm wrong on the following premise but I suspect if a person is honest, he cannot prevent the disfellowshipping -- in a great many cases. I believe that it all depends on the vigilance of the local elders and how penetrating they are in their questions, and how perceptive they are with your answers during sheparding calls.

  "Um ... brother, we've missed your presence at the meetings and in the field ministry and we're certainly here to help you, but wonder if you've actually lost your faith that Jehovah's earthly organization is the correct one. You do believe that don't you?"

  Here's where honesty comes in. If your answer is "No, I no longer believe that it is", then does that not in itself present grounds for disfellowshipping?

  Here's one more scenario. Your 14-year-old child comes to you with a question. "Dad, I see that you've quit coming to meetings and taking us out in field service. Mom says you're no longer a believer. Is that true?" You have another choice -- put your tail between your legs and squelch the anger because of the mother's misleading statement and dishonestly tell him, "Yeah, son, she's right. I'm truly a scumbag and you needn't look to me any longer for guidance during the remainder of your growing years."

  Or, you can tell him, "That's a good question, son. Sit down right here and let's talk about it." You know that when you do this (remain honest), you become vulnerable for apostasy charges if the child in some way leaks this meeting back to his mother or some other member of the congregation.

  What do you think?
  Fats
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  cruzanheart

  It CAN be done, but it requires a series of Fortunate Events. Chris (Big Tex) did it almost 20 years ago. I did it almost 4 years ago. We were helped along by the fact that, in his case, every time he mentioned the phrase "child abuse" the elders wet their pants, so when he quit going to meetings it brought them great relief. And dry pants.

  When I left, I hadn't been noticed for years anyway, since I was a femme sole (no man by my side at the meetings, with or without wet pants), so my lack of attendance was barely noticed. When an elder did come around, with his wife, trying to pretend it was a "friendly" visit, I laced into him and the dreaded phrase "child abuse" came up again. He got MAD. Chris said I'd end up disfellowshipped if I didn't move my publisher card right away. So I told the congregation secretary that I wanted to move my card to a neighboring congregation where I had more friends. That congregation, as Chris and I well knew, was infamous for its lackadaisical elders. It was a year and a half before anyone even bothered to show up on the doorstep and when we told them that we really liked being left alone (but if they disfellowshipped us we'd sue), they left and haven't been back.

  With Chris, I think it helped that we moved several times after he decided to stop going to meetings, so by the time we were settled in our present location there was no one around who could even remember him attending a meeting except for the odd Memorial, with me.

  Oddly enough, we still have a few Witness friends in the area, so if we got DF'd I'm sure we'd hear about it from them.

  Somehow, you have to get them to forget about you. It's easier in some congregations than others, I think.

  Good luck!

  Nina
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  Midget-Sasquatch

  I don't like to admit it, but in my experience at least, thats exactly the case. Too many jws (not just the elders) in my city are scrutinizing your "spirituality" in and out of the kingdom hall. If you're completely honest with everyone, you can expect a disfellowshipping. Elders and zealots will pointedly look for dissent and will call you on it directly.

  To keep them from questioning you, one has to settle for the status of "inactive" but still going to some meetings from time to time. I'm terribly unsuccessful in my fading, for that very reason. How long will this bloody fade take at the rate I'm going to keep suspicions at bay? So you're being somewhat honest with others because you're showing you're not gung-ho for the troof, but the ruse is mostly being untrue to oneself and that sucks big time.
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  skyman

  I did it, and I was quit honest with them. They could not answer my questions about why the Society joined the UN. Plus I wrote what I call my BLOOD LETTER that Five differrent Elders tried to answer and one cried after reading it, one quit and is now out. All including one C.O. said the letter was correct but stated I needed to wait on Jehovah to correct it. I have not locally been telling others publishers why I have quit so the Elders leave me alone. Also the Shepperding Book say's if a publisher has not been going to meetings for over a year they are longer a witness so do not DF them. I have reminded the Elders sevreal times about this statement in the shepparding book.
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  mrs rocky2

  There appears to be a double standard and rules ("guidelines" and "suggestions") that are applied differently from congregation to congregation. After 7 years of fading, Rocky was DF'd but I haven't been, although I am being shunned by family and congregation as if I were DF'd. We tried to lay low as long as possible because of the consequences (obligatory shunning by family members). But the brother who ran interference with the elders for us died suddenly so the elder(s) with a vendetta against Rocky were free to come after him, which they did. He was DF'd in June, no letter, no phone call. I learned of it through the family grapevine.

  As for the children, we cold turkey stopped going to the meetings. Our children were 15 and 16 at the time. They were first hand observers of hypocrisy, double standards, and pharisaical elders. The oldest continued for a few months to drive herself to the KH, but was received coolly. It didn't take long for some heart to heart discussions to occur. Neither of our children have pursued a life with JWs.

  Bottom line - there is no easy way to leave. It's much like the line in the song Hotel California: You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave!
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  vitty

  My problem with fading is not the congregation, I think theve given up on us, but my family. My daughter know we dont go often ( she doesnt know we havent been for over a year) and I feel bad about that. My mother is elderly and she just wouldnt understand, I cant tell her shed be devistated.

  She asked me what FS was like here, I answered her truthfully and said it was crap, or words to that effect.

  My sister is like a zealot, and was even talking about theocratic warfare the other evening on the phone. I dont know how I stopped myself.

  Im being totally dishonest, but I dont know how to get around it without hurting my family or eventually being shunned.
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  confusedjw

  It certainly can be done - BUT a lot depends on those around you in the cong and family

  Most don't shun me, but a few do.
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  garybuss

  I only had three problems with the Witness people when I quit associating. They were teachings, treatment of members, and ethics. I mentioned a couple of those to my wife and some others and I was shunned by most Witnesses. When my wife and two of my sons shunned me, I got pissed. It's a piss poor wife and son that shuns their husband and father who is going to work every day to pay for them to shun him.
  For the most part being shunned by the Witness people has been a gift. I hope they never stop. If they quit shunning me, I may sue them.
  Being shunned by my wife was my own fault for marrying a Witness woman. Being shunned by my sons was my own fault for having children with a Witness woman. Bad mistake!
  
  
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  Robdar

  Hmmm, I don't think it's a myth. At least it wasn't 20 years ago.

  When I started fading, I was approached by an elder at a funeral we were attending. We had always had a good relationship and I love him to this day. He asked me when I was coming back. I truthfully told him that I had questions that I couldn't get an answer for. I told him I was lost spiritually. I fully expected him to tell me that he wanted to see me in a J/C asap. Instead, he told me that he had known me all my life and he knew me to have a good heart and that I loved Jehovah. He told me to take my time because he knew that I'd eventually be back. That was a little over 20 years ago.

  I occasionally went to meetings over the next 5 years. Then I moved to another city. I am sure that the move helped me fade with very little difficulty.

  The only problem I ever had while fading was with my parents. And God knows that was heartbreaking. Especially when they shunned me. When my child (their first grandbaby) was born, they got over themselves in order to be with him.

  It hasn't been easy, but I did an honest fade. I continued to love my parents and showed them patience by not return their snotty attitude. It's been a long wait but my parents have done the fade also. It's been over 2 years since they've been to a KH.

  An honest fade can be done. It just takes time and patience.
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  AK - Jeff

  I 'accidently' kept the elders out of our hair and affairs when we decided to leave.

  I heard rumors that the elders were telling others that I was 'borderline apostate'. I fired off a letter to one of the elders and told him that there were powerful laws that I would invoke to protect my reputation should the slander continue. I never had a 'shepherding call' or visit after that. They did make sure they got us fully posted on the 'Shunning List' however, and most of the 'friends' refuse to speak when we encounter them.

  I think the timing was just coincidental - all the talk of me being a 'borderline apostate' was probably elders probing around to get evidence to DF me - then the letter to them prompted the CO [most likely] to tell them that any legal action taken would be in their laps not the Society's. Of course I am only speculating there, since I was never told any of that. But they could have well found enough to 'pop' us by now should they want to.

  But you are right, at least in my case. If I was presented with the "Loyalty questions" - I would not lie. And they would have me by the book. And I would never lie to my kids either.

  I left over 'ethics'. I would not be 'unethical', and lie to keep my status. It means nothing to me anyway now.

  Jeff