The Wedding Saga...Episode 2

by Krystal 21 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  Krystal

  How cruel can these people be??

  1) My dad informs me this spring that my sister is getting married.

  2) I am of course not informed of the actual date incase I decide to show up

  3) I am sent a wedding invitation AFTER the wedding has taken place along with a little letter from Mom and Dad.

  4) I get an e-mail from my mom with the link to the website of wedding photos and gushing dub comments.... "What a lovely family" blah blah blah

  So what do I do, for the first time in 4 years I write my parents and tell them how much that hurt me... that I am disgusted that they cling to an organization that promotes HATE within family members... that a loving god would never approve of such treatment...

  What does she write back??

  "Krystal...I'm sorry you feel that way....perhaps it was a mistake of me to send you the link. It was definately...not done with the intention of hurting you...I'm sorry if it was bad judgement on my part.

  No individual or organization has tried to hurt you.....you've been hurt by your own choices...I know that does not make the pain any less....but understand that this situation is difficult for all of us....not just you, and it was certainly not our choice to live this way ...as a family divided.

  Again, I apologize if I have hurt you by sending the pictures...

  Mom"

  WTF?! She didn't hurt me with the pictures she hurts me by putting her precious religion before her own FLESH AND BLOOD!!!

  I cannot believe her answer... basically, "It's your own fault you weren't invited"

  ARRRGH!!
• 

  Happy Guy :)

  double post
• 

  Happy Guy :)

  "Krystal...I'm sorry you feel that way....perhaps it was a mistake of me to send you the link. It was definately...not done with the intention of hurting you...I'm sorry if it was bad judgement on my part.
  

  No individual or organization has tried to hurt you.....you've been hurt by your own choices...I know that does not make the pain any less....but understand that this situation is difficult for all of us....not just you, and it was certainly not our choice to live this way ...as a family divided.
  
  Again, I apologize if I have hurt you by sending the pictures...
  

  Mom"
  

  She hurt you by not inviting you.

  That was her choice.
  Amazing she completely ignores their behavior and their choices regarding not inviting you in the first place. I have seen this complete denial and transference happen with many JWs. It's almost as though the cult mind job done to them completely robs them of self examination, kindness, sensitivity and love. Like they have become cold as stone and you know what it is often said "You can't get blood from a stone".

  I am sorry that your family has had their soul stolen by this cult.
• 

  Billygoat

  (((((Krystal))))))

  As ex's, it's always OUR fault that the family is divided. I understand all too well. It could have been my very own mom writing those same words.

  Andi
• 

  BrendaCloutier

  What Billy said....

  JW's are infallable when dealing with ANY fallen family member or friend. It's just the way they are trained/brainwashed. They seem to be unable to remove the rafter from their own eye.

  Krystal, I'm so very sorry. I know how much that must have hurt.
• 

  jgnat

  If it's any consolation, those words could have been cut-and-pasted out of a Watchtower article. It's the robot talking, not your living breathing mom hiding underneath.

  Maybe a short reply, how you can't understand how a mother could shun her own daughter at a wedding. Such events should be full of joy, but for you any reminders will also be full of pain. Remind her that it was her actions that hurt you, only she could have created another outcome.
• 

  Xandria

  Krystal:

  First of all, I am sorry you are going through this pain. This is intentional and in no way not premeditated.

  I would write back and say so:

  Mom & Dad,

  Your head games are simply just emotional blackmail~ premeditated and even preemptive. You made the choice to shun me on the edict and policies of the Org. It wasn't my choice to have someone try to force religion on me. What ever personal relationship I have or do not have with God is just that personal (as in no one else's business). On one hand, the Org spouts out that God gives us a free will~ to chose to serve him. If it is our choice~ then why do the try to punish those who don't chose to worship the same way they do?

  Your actions and the lack of consideration and caring is just so succinct.

  Emotional Blackmailer:

  http://www.angelfire.com/biz/BPD/blackmail.html

  Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward, Ph.D.

  COMPONENTS OF EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
  (1) Demand--someone wants something
  (2) Resistance--the other is does not feel comfortable with the demand
  (3) Pressure --used to make the resistant one give in
  (4) Threat --to turn up the pressure
  (5) Compliance--on the part of the resistant one
  (6) Repetition--this pattern reoccurs in at least other situations (just with a different name)

  TYPES OF BLACKMAILERS
  (1) The Punisher--very direct about their demands, clearly state the consequences
  (2) The Self-Punisher--uses threats of self harm to manipulate the resistant one through fear, obligation and guilt
  (3) The Sufferer--the martyr who believes they’ve done everything for others and suffered because of it and don’t hesitate to remind them so they will feel sorry for them
  (4) The Tantalizer--uses bribery, knowing they have something the other wants

  EMOTIONS FELT BY VICTIMS OF EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
  They feel insecure, unimportant, unworthy and generally bad about themselves
  They doubt their ideas and needs
  They feel isolated
  They may have consistent physical ailments as a result of the stress
  They always feel as if they in a FOG unable to think clearly as a result of being manipulated to feel Fear, Obligation and Guilt

  TOOLS USED TO CREATE FOG
  Making demands seem reasonable
  Making the victim feel selfish
  Labeling with negative qualities and connotations
  Pathologizing or crazy making
  Making a demand that needs an immediate response
  Allying themselves with someone of authority or influence i.e. parents, children, mental health professionals, religious leaders etc.
  Comparing the victim to a person that the victim does not like or is in competition with
  Learning the victim's "triggers"
  Assess how much pressure to apply before the victim will give in

  CHARACTERISTICS OF THE VICTIMConstantly seeks approval
  Does their best to avoid anger and keep peace
  Takes the blame for anything that happens to others
  Has compassion and empathy
  Tends to feel pity or obligation
  Believes they need to give in because it is the “right thing to do”
  Has self-doubt with no sense of their worth, intelligence or abilities
  

  CHARACTERISTICS OF AN EMOTIONAL BLACKMAILER
  Has great fear of abandonment and deprivation or of being hurt
  Feels desperate
  Needs to be in control of things
  Experiences frequent frustration
  Has thought distortions regarding the reasonableness of their demands
  Has had someone emotionally blackmail them and sees that it works to get them what they want

  WHAT IS NECESSARY TO STOP EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
  The victim must begin to look at the situation in a new way.
  They must detach from their emotions.
  They must realize that they are being blackmailed and that it is not appropriate for the blackmailer to be treating them in that manner.
  They must make a commitment to themselves that they will take care of themselves and no longer allow this abusive treatment.
  They need to see that a demand is being made on them and that it makes them uncomfortable.
  They must determine why the demand feels uncomfortable.
  They must not give into the pressure for an immediate decision.
  They must set boundaries to be able to take time to consider the situation and to look at all of the alternatives to make the decision.
  Finally, they must consider their own needs first for a change, in this process.
• 

  Chia

  Grr Krystal. I know how you're feeling. My mom is hardcore like that too. I wish I could find the words to ease the pain. My response has been to shun my mother just as she has shunned me. I reached out to her, she rejected it, and so I choose not to speak to her or have her in my life. If I ever were to go back to meetings, which I won't, I still would never speak to her, because she's shown me that her love is conditional. What I want to know is, why can't people like our mothers see that what they're trying to do isn't working? What I mean is, it would go so much further if they were to say, "I love you despite the choices you've made. I still want you in my life." It would make the religion look so much better if they were to treat you like a human being. Instead they treat you like something you throw away after you've used all its value. And they expect us to want to come back to something like that? That's family? I'm so sorry Krystal. Hang in there. Love, Chia
• 

  sandy

  Krystal, I'm so sorry to hear about this. My family isn't so hardcore so I don't really know how you feel. I wish you the best and I hope your family comes to their senses someday.
• 

  blondie

  Of course she knew it would hurt you. She hoped that by hurting you this way you would see what you were missing and come back.

  Now you know what you are missing, more of the same hurting.

  That emotional blackmail info is so true.

  I finally had to tell my mother to stop sending "helpful" articles from the WT publications by threatening legal action.

  Blondie (like telling a child that holding their hand over the flame is for their own good and being surprised that it hurts/damages the child)