For anyone who may have noted my happy news of about a week ago, the bubble burst after roughly 48 hours. After the 90% successful "let's agree to act like intelligent adults and respect the other's conscience" talk with my Dad, he wrote a letter and renegged on everything. I am once again a hard-headed, ungrateful apostate.
I'm as tired of writing about the situation as you probably are reading about it, so I won't go into too many details. The letter was the equivalent of psychological flailing. A few wonderfully ridiculous parts included the assertion that "there is no one in this family you can point to who is ostracized because they are not practicing Jehovah's Witness" - referring to an aunt and uncle who are "inactive" JWs because of a personality conflict and an aunt and uncle who were never baptised. Technically, it's true - no one in this family will be ostracized for not being practicing JWs until it happens to me. He asserted that I couldn't possibly have come up with the objections to the Org that I have on my own because he's seen the same arguments in apostate books and sites - things I never saw until after my personal studies. (I guess I'm supposed to assume that he is "strong enough" to read such things.) There were also the choice statements: "You refer to the organization as one that teaches 'untruth in the name of God.' That is apostasy" and "No matter how right you are the numbers will win."
I'll spare you the rest. The letter left me feeling physically ill: nauseous, achy, too hot then too cold. It felt like the flu.
What really freaked me out is that he came over while I was at work and left the letter on my computer. I can't help but feel he was snooping around looking for something "incriminating". He made it clear he's already spoken to the elders, but they apparently don't care enough to do anything. I'm sure if they do anything, it'll be because he's prodded them.
Today, though, I'm feeling good. I made it clear to myself and to God today that I am no longer in any way a JW or in support of that organization. And it was enough - admitting I'm standing on my own, responsible for my choices and the consequences. I'm no longer hiding behind the F&DS or any other reps of the Org.
I will not play their game and contact them. I feel it would compromise my dignity to play by their rules, to write them a letter and ask to be left alone, followed by having to give a dozen of my family members an explanation for my actions along with reason not to talk to me. (I'm sure my Dad would insist that I be the one to tell them they can't talk to me or show me any affection and deal with the flack. He would no doubt see it as "loving discipline.") I'm finally settled with my relationship with God being no one's business. I sat and talked to my Mom today and felt totally at ease - I owe no one an explanation or justification for my actions. And I'm going to enjoy her company for as long as the elders don't care enough to say anything to me. I will not let my Dad bait me anymore - the topic is not up for discussion. He's going to have to get me thrown out if he wants to take my family from me.