Opinion - looking for some insight

by free2beme 18 Replies latest jw friends

  • free2beme
    free2beme

    I was wondering something and wanted to see what others thought ...

    My sister, an active Witness, recently became a foster parent to a baby. In history, the baby is the child of my uncles underage girlfriend, that he is now serving time for raping (under age, always seen as a rape). The young woman was doing METH (clean for almost a year now), and was living with her own mother who was an alcoholic. About six months ago we learned about the baby, as we have had little contact with that side of the family for years. My sister went down to see the baby and when she saw the conditions it was in, she called the Child Services to have them look into it and get the baby into a better situation. They went down and checked it out and presented the young mother with warnings and explained she would be placed into a foster home, with her child. To which she was about a week later, and we did not hear anything. My sister during the mean time, registered as a foster parent and explained to Child Services that she would be willing to watch the child if needed, while the mother straightened up her life ***

    *** my sister is married to a non-Witness, who does not want children. He even went so far as to get fixed at age 22 to make sure this did not happen. My sister encouraged this, as she did not want to see her marriage break up over issues with raising children in a mixed religious household. Now she claims that we made up that information, even though she told enough people, that she has had to face that issue many times and at multiple family get together. She claims it was a joke she said and not serious. She now claims they did this because her husband has a undecended testicle and could not father a child anyway. Her husband still states "I do not want children!" ***

    Okay, back in July my sister got a call to take the child as the foster situation was not working out. My sister told me about it and I explained that it was not going to be easy, as she will get attached (child was six months old) and when she has to let go it will be heart-breaking. She stated, "no, six months max is all we have him and then back to normal life. We are doing this because he is family and it is the right thing to do." So she gets him, not even a month later, I now have my sister stated she wants to adopt him and hates the real month and wishes she would go away. She is doing things with Child Services to trap the real mother into making mistakes and laughing about it, as the real month is 15 years old and my sister is 36. The real mother makes a lot of mistakes when she has him, which is about 1 weekend every two weeks. Keep in mind though, she is 15, and how many 15 year old know as much as a 36 year old. My sister has it all planned out, that she will adopt this child. My uncle who wont be out of prison for 20 years (multi-issues, not just rape), gave up parental rights. The mother is fighting to keep her child and is angry that the baby is now closer to my sister. The states plans to take away her parental rights by January and take her child and put it up for adoption, which will be first dibs to my sister. The young mother does not have a chance in hell of keeping it, she is poor young and way to inexperienced to know what to do. The state is happy to do this, my sister is happy to get a child. My brother-in-law, well, he has repeatedly said "I do not want to keep the child permanent!" My sister has not even discussed with him adopting and kept all her work behind his back. He doesn't even know what is happening.

    With this in mind ... my sister tells me I am not being supportive to her wishes, as I keep saying "I wish he could be raised by his real mom" and make comments that "you said it was only six months and you would not get attached." To which she now says she never said that.

    Am I wrong in being disgusted?

  • OldSoul
    OldSoul

    No offense intended for talking about your family, but that is plain EVIL!!!

  • Es
    Es

    no your not wrong at all for being disgusted. Infact its prob gona blow up in your sis face, if her hubby doesnt want children how will he react once he's found out what his wife has been doing behind his back???? I know this is horrible but i would tell him now what your sis has been doing.

    Pls keep us updated

    es

  • Aude_Sapere
    Aude_Sapere

    Such turmoil. And that child being brought up as a JW in an angry, manipulative marriage.

    The child could be placed in a loving home where both parents want a child to love and nurture.

    -Aude.

  • free2beme
    free2beme
    No offense intended for talking about your family, but that is plain EVIL!!!

    I believe in Karma, and this just seems like it is something that is going to cost her. Her health is getting bad recently with all sorts of weird things. Things so odd, I asked her to get an HIV test. She said she was tested, and it came up negative. It is just that weird ... how does a woman at 36 get gout? I think it is EVIL too!

  • AK - Jeff
    AK - Jeff

    I don't know how things are done in your area. But when wifey and I adopted our child 25 years ago, the state did a very complete background check and questioned us intensely about how we would raise a child, religion, lifestyle, discipline, ect.

    I cannot imagine any well respected case-worker putting his/her stamp of appoval on a household where the 'Father' is not a willing participant in the adoption process. I don't think they are likely to be hood-winked by the adoptive Mother in this case.

    Of course things might not be handled the same today - as I said we adopted 25 years ago.

    Jeff

  • free2beme
    free2beme

    From what I have gathered in California, where this is happening, they are more interested in getting the baby to a better home quickly. Meaning, from what little effort I have seen so far, and my sister's own research, I don't think they put as much effort forth when their is a family connection. It is $600 to process the paper work, and will be complete in six months. Also, my sister is a manipulator and can get her husband to say what she wants him too. He wont be happy, but he will do what she wants to shut her up. The thing is, pushing him into buying a home when he did not want it, is one thing. Pushing him to raise a child, is a completely different thing. I wonder if their marriage will survive, and what if he does say no! Will my sister be able to handle her lack of control over him.

  • jgnat
    jgnat

    Foster parents and adoptive parents typically need to find some character references to speak on their behalf. I don't see anything wrong with you writing a letter (letters get filed and become part of the permanent record) expressing your concerns to the social agency (social workers worry about liability too). Provide enough detail (names, addresses, etc.) so that you letter ends up with the right social worker and the right file. They may not be able to tell YOU much (confidentiality), but nothing is stopping YOU from telling things your SIL may prefer to keep hidden. An alert social worker may then interview the foster father alone to see how he really feels about the arrangement. There's no point in moving such a child from one uncertain family to another. It'll give the social worker something to think about.

  • Finally-Free
    Finally-Free
    My brother-in-law, well, he has repeatedly said "I do not want to keep the child permanent!" My sister has not even discussed with him adopting and kept all her work behind his back. He doesn't even know what is happening.

    I think someone should tell him, and soon!

    If someone tried to pull something like this on me the relationship would be over within a minute.

    W

  • free2beme
    free2beme
    I think someone should tell him, and soon!

    I have told him, but he is a real "I do not want to talk about it" person. He spends every moment he can fishing or deer hunting, so that he does not have to be there. My sister has confinced herself that his behavior is normal, but I think he is just trying to excape from the issue and does not know how to handle her with his feelings on it and figures "out of sight, out of mind!"

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