14 years later- still a wreck! What's up with me!

by doffy 32 Replies latest jw experiences

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  OldSoul

  (((Doffy))),

  I am so sorry you and your family ever got hurt by that religion. Never having DA'd or DF'd, I am curious about why you obey their stupid proscriptions against speaking. But then I am a brazen ass at times, too.

  I had a dream the other night where I went out to eat with my wife and happened to run into old "friends." I suppose in my dream I was DF'd. I walked up near their table and pleasantly addressed the table next to them (strangers) and said, "Did you know Jehovah's Witnesses say they believe in love like Christ had? These folks sitting next to you have known me since I was a child, but watch how loving they are."

  I then turned and extended my hand to an elder in another congregation who has known me all my life and said, "I have no hard feelings toward you. Am I still dead to you?" And then he shook my hand! Face full of conflicting emotions, clearly not wanting to. He didn't speak, though. "Aren't you going to say something." He dropped my hand.

  I turned back to the other table and said, "He can't talk to me because his Church said so. He has no idea what I've done wrong, if anything, and he is worried about what you are thinking of Jehovah's Witnesses right now. That's the only reason he shook my hand. To impress you. I wonder if you are impressed?"

  That was a dream, but it is exactly the sort of thing I am likely to do. I will not let their stupid unscriptural policies stand without drawing public attention to the idiocy inherent in the policies.

  I don't know if this will help you, but it seemed like it might so I shared it.

  Respectfully,
  OldSoul
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  enosant

  I can relate only too well to the sentiments expressed in this thread. Being in the presence of family members who are still JWs or former JW friends, the galcial shoulders you feel, the look that says you are so evil and the world would be better off if you just didn't exist, that is when they are not ignoring you completely as if you really didn't exist! It must be ingrained in us the need for approval & acceptance. The overwhelming feeling of not fitting in anywhere - you are not inside and not really outside in the 'world' either! I cannot bring myself to be like people of the 'world' and they sense this, they sense that I may be judging them (even though I didn't say anything) but inside I am judging myself even more harshly! As the years pass, I find the feeling don't dissipate; often they get stronger & overwhelmingly so. Somehow it really feels like part of me simply hasn't left - is still being guided, controlled and self-disciplined day-in day-out and adversely judging my actions, my thoughts. This make it really difficult to feel free from the former shackles & be 'normal'. I get the feeling that I'd been living in a dark cave for the best part of my life, a part I won't ever get back ... What gets me the most is the overwhelming feeling of guilt! So easily triggered ... And I don't have to be doing anything in particular, causing me to distance myself even from the people I love. Feeling undeserved, even when good things happen. And when lonely - something that happens quite a lot as a result - boy do I feel alone! A river of tears flows inside, sometimes welling up, but even when it doesn't I am only too conscious of it being there, drowning me slowly ... Not really right for a grown man! I was a JW for 14yrs, since the emotionally charged age of 14. I was commited entirely mind, body & soul ... Well regarded in my congregation, a ministerial servant. It's been 9yrs since I left - when my faith was shattered, dissillusioned, suicidal (a state I have been in several times since), depressed. I still feel lost, drifting on a makeshift raft in a purturbed sea .. I found it impossible to connect, I mean really connect to anyone. I suppose only a former witness, someone who has gone through something similar can understand. I fell all wrong. Maybe that's what prompted me today to look on the web and found this site. I hope I can connect here. Bring my experience to help someone and maybe be helped myself. I this stikes a chord with anyone, please respond ... You may be my only hope ...
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  lisaBObeesa

  (((((((((((((((enosant)))))))))))))))))))))))

  enosant, WELCOME. Your post ....it describes the pain so clearly...so clearly that it is almost beautiful. I am sorry you are going through so much pain, and for so long. Welcome to JWD. Please post often!!! You have found people who know how you feel.

  --LisaBobeesa
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  Lady Lee

  Welcome to the board inosant (I like the name)

  I hope I can connect here. Bring my experience to help someone and maybe be helped myself. I this stikes a chord with anyone, please respond ... You may be my only hope ...

  You have most definitely found the right place.
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  doffy

  enosant, welcome here. I am so glad you have found other ex JWs to talk to. Just knowing you are not alone can be a huge help.

  And you are NOT alone. What you have said will have struck a chord with most people here. The pain we feel, and the feeling of 'not fitting in', is just unbearable sometimes.

  I have been posting on another site for about 9 months now, and that has been a HUGE help in my healing process. Though, as you can see from the topic of this thread, I still find certain things very difficult to deal with. Thank goodness I have people, like those on here, who I can turn to, and have them understand, and have them give me advice!

  Old Soul, yes, that was helpful! I wish I HAD spoken to her. Why should I have acted like I did? I am annoyed with myself! But then, as Lady Lee said, I need to explore WHY I acted that way- and I will.

  So, a big thanks to all who have replied- ALL of your replies are very greatly appreciated

  And a huge HELLO and big hug to enosant.
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  PaulJ

  enosant- welcome to the site.

  This is an interesting topic for me. I moved before i DA'd myself so I had no idea if my old cong would know. I had to visit the old area a few weeks ago and from a distance saw some people i recognised on the field service. Thing is I was with my new wife, and the ones who were walking towards me were close to my ex, so it was a bit weird.

  In the end me and my wife dashed accross the road and walked the other way. I felt a bit silly but i didnt want to confront them. Im fortunate because I have since moved again so I am in an area where no one would recognise me anyway, so i havent had contact with anyone for many months now.

  So this has got me thinking, what would I do???

  I like blondies idea of just waving, but i had moved years previously so they might not have recognised me from a distance...

  Oh well....
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  gladdy

  Welcome Enosant, this is a great bunch of people and it is growing each day, do not feel alone. I think when you start posting and people reply to you, it will make you feel like you are one of a large amount of people with very similar emotions and experiences. You have alot in common with everyone on this site, you have all been through the same and they have all been in their "first days", and will help guide you. Take what you need ..........
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  gladdy

  Has anyone ever just rushed up to a jw who was ignoring you ( in a public place) and gave them a big hug and loudly gush hellllllllooooooooo, how have you beeeeeen? I think that would be so funny. Especially if you had other people with you. And they were all alone! There is humour everywhere and by golly, I will find it!
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  searcher

  *Why do I still give her the Power?*
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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  doffy

  gladdy! You're a lot like me- make it funny Nice to meet you

  searcher- 'embarrased'. I hadn't thought of that. I don't think I was for my mum, but I may well have been afraid of being embarrased myself.. I will think about that. Thanks!

  PaulJ, hee hee, good idea, keep moving house! Are you from the UK originally, or have you moved here from another part of the world? I'm 'up north'.

  I must admit, if I see a JW that I knew when I'm out, it doesn't have the effect that seeing my mum does. I make sure I tell myself to straighten my spine! I put my chin up and smile. They are normally more embarrased than I am.

  And even it had been my dad.... well, we would have spoken. It's just my mum. I am starting counselling next week, so maybe I will get to the bottom of things soon.

  Thanks again for all the replies!