A lot of good ideas here. It might help to role-play in your mind various responses for the next time you run in to this woman. (I think mothers earn the title. Yours lost the right). That way you will be forearmed.
14 years later- still a wreck! What's up with me!
by doffy 32 Replies latest jw experiences
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dedpoet
Enosant, hello and welcome, you are among friends here, I look forward to more of your posts.
Doffy, many on here know what you mean, I wasn't brought up in the lie, and went in then left on my own, but it is still kind of strange meeting my former friends, and I know I don't behave in the same way that I do with other, non - witness people when I run into them. I find it best to steer clear of them, most of them ignore me anyway.
Take care, both of you
dedpoet
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upside/down
It's because your a "good" person....and they use your "goodness" against you.
Don't let them claim the high "moral" ground.
You're a wonderful, beautiful and VALUABLE human being...without them!
Hold your head high and LIVE...
Your kids NEED to see this...
Stop letting them treat you like a victim...or worse.
u/d
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jillbedford
You are on the road to recovery with your comment that you still give her power.
I agree with Blondie's advise, say "Hi". That is what I do. I have nothing to hide. I know who I am.
But I sympathize too. You are making the right choices by reaching out to posting sites like this one and not backing down from seeing the movie you wanted to see.
I am proud of you!
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JustTickledPink
I have gotten over the feeling of shame they love to cover you in. Anytime I've seen a JW in the past couple of years I always give a very friendly hello and have even had a few short conversations with them.
I have nothing to be ashamed about. I'm not a criminal, I'm not a leper. Let them reject me and walk the other way if they want to. My life is filled with happiness. I have no reason not to show that.
I think hiding proves to them that our lives are not happy. When you walk up to a person, smile on your face, and with a nice light voice and say hello, it kinda proves that ex-JWs can lead happy lives.
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hamsterbait
They really hate it if you say you are happier now than you ever were in da troof.
Your experience is what Transactional Analysis calls a "rubberband" - it illustrates how we respond at times as if we were catapulted back to a painful childhood scene. Imagine a giagantic rubberband stretching back through time. It hooks onto some feature of the present that reminds us of earlier pain, and twang! off we go into the past. Most people have no clear memory of the childhood scene, thus we don't recognize the point of resemblance.
(I would say a witless upbringing has a disproportionate amount of unresolved pain and denial issues)
Because Mother and Father are such important figures in our early life, they are often found at the end of a rubberband. So are our siblings and other parent-figures like grandparents, aunts or uncles. Whenever we are part of a group of people, we are likely to cast each of the group in the role of a parent or sibling. Talking to anyone with whom we relate significantly, we identify them some of the time with figures from the past. We do so without conscious awareness.
Rubberbands do not always stretch back to people. We can hook back to sounds, smells, particular surroundings or anything else that reminds us of painful childhood situations. By disconnecting the rubberbands, we can tackle here and now situations with all the grown up resources at our command.
TRY THIS
Think of a recent situation in which you were under stress and which ended upleasantly or unsuccessfully for you. In particular think what bad feeling you experienced during that situation. You need not actually experience that feeling again while you do the exercise.
Now recall a situation in the last year which turned out badly for you in a similar way, and in which you felt the same bad feeling.
Go back about five years and recall a similar situation where you had that same feeling.
Now bring back the memory of a scene with the same unpleasant feeling from your teenage years.
Recall a scene with a similar bad feeling from your childhood. How old were you?
Think back to even earlier scenes where you felt the same bad feelings. What age were you? Who is there? What is happening?
The aim of this exercise is to find the far end of the rubberband. What was the similarity between the recent experience and your childhood experience? Once you are aware of what past experience and beliefs you are replaying you can begin disconnecting from the rubberband.
Use your adult awareness to remind yourself that people in the here and now are in fact quite different from what they were in the past and have no power over you. If you find yourself experiencing that same bad feeling be aware that the current situation will not end the way those past scenes did.
In some families, if you are having too much fun you are labeled lazy or sinful. If you are supposed to be a solemn little grown up, you may believe that if you feel too good, something bad will happen. To ward off evil you feel bad about yourself, instead of letting the other person handle their own baggage.
HB
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OldSoul
I guess you figured it out, Doffy, but in case you still don't have it yet...you ask:
What's up with me!
We answered (in summation):
You're normal.
Every one of us needs to be reminded sometimes. It is normal to feel pain, discomfort, anxiety, and so on. You have been treated like crap. Your reaction may be different than someone else's, but any reaction is precipitated by and is in direct response to what you have experienced.
Wondering what is wrong with you might keep you from realizing you aren't the one who's the most screwed up. She didn't speak to you and tried to ignore you. What has she experienced that made her react that way? Years of indoctrination from false prophets.
Respectfully,
OldSoul -
poppers
Don't look at it as giving her the power. Realize, instead, that you have reverted to conditioned responses that at the root are based on thoughts. Thought in and of itself has no power to harm you, they are just insubstantial waves of energy flowing into and out of awareness. "You" are what witnesses those thoughts, you are awareness itself and awareness can never be harmed. Stand back, as it were, and watch those thoughts come and go while "you" remain unaffected.
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enosant
Guys - sorry for being tad melodramatic in my post. You probably realised that this was the first time ever that I opened up in this way to anyone who I felt might understand. Thank you all who responded with your warm welcome and kind words.
They were heartfelt, especially by me!
LisaBobeesa - I haven't been hugged like this by an adult ... since ... well I jolly well I can't remember! My little girl gives the best hugs - she is the only true love I have in my life right now.
Lady Lee - Judging by the mature nature of most of the responses here, I'll have to agree that this is the right place!
Gladdy - your words 'you are not alone ' though seemingly obvious, is somehow some of the things I've been waiting so long to hear! Having to realise that I am part of a group of shared experiences and mine though painfully tragic at times, also implies that what I have not been singled out in any way for this treatment, my suffuring - dare I say: trials and tribulations - involved the suffuring of others and is in many ways connected to yours. You are coping. I am not special. I can cope too.
And your suggestion of reversing the situation when meeting old 'friends' & family members by being positive and bubbling with happiness is something I'll definitely try! They certainly won't be expecting that! And I can already see in my minds eye that I will come away with a smile, inside and out!
Hamsterbait! The rubberband! Brilliant! I haven't tried it yet, but I already have a sense of yet unfocused contexts feelings of where the deep seated feeling of unease, of unworthyness, sadness and self deprecation may come from. My little finger is already indicating that they may not all be connected to my journey in the 'Truth'! A great thank you for that!
OldSoul - says 'Wondering what is wrong with you might keep you from realizing you aren't the one who's the most screwed up'. Yes The focus is all misplaced! We were once victims, we don't have to be anymore. The focus should be on healing ourselves, not nurturing the pain, something that like me, a lot of us may have been only too good at! Its time to take charge and let go.
Poppers - Its so true that we may be giving away our power, by reverting to conditional responses like Pavlov's dog!
Realising this and being able to take a step back within ourselves and see the situation unfolding would also make us realise that we can channel it differently and stop it.
I really think that this is the place, and this is day when I embark on a path leading away from an all too familiar pain.
Let the healing begin!
Peace be with you all! °} {°
Un peu de bien be peut faise de mal - es b.67 -
anglise
Hallo and Welcome to JWD Enosant.
As you seen there are lots here who can empathize with you. I hope you feel able to stay with us and enjoy all the help and information from us XJW's and in time maybe be able to pass it on to others.
Anglise