Do it in therapy. One on one is bad. It's not a religion issue, it's a marriage / family issue.
The Listener Needs Advice - QUICK
by TheListener 20 Replies latest jw friends
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garybuss
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peacefulpete
I was right where you now are. I understand the trepidation. I had resolved to not attempt to refute anything or debate the reasons for my exit unless she really wanted to know. I told her this was my resolve. We nearly got divorced because of the emotional distancing that happened this but at the last minute she approached me and asked for it all. It turns out she was secreting doubts all her life as I was but needed the crisis to be willing to face them. Good luck.
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BrendaCloutier
((( Listener ))) All I can say is you've received good suggestions here, and I wish you the very best that it could possibly turn out. You have a lot of people here on your side, and on hers, too.
Hugs
Brenda
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Lady Lee
I've been offline for most of the last year so I'm not familiar with your story.
Something that has always bothered me is that the average JW is incapable of explaining some of the most basic teachings without a WT book in hand.
You might want to take one thing and ask for her help in understanding it. If she can't do it without a book then ask her why? After all those years, all that time, all those meetings, why is it so hard to understand?
When you stop to think about it the early Christians weren't walking about with books and magazines. They didn't even carry a Bible cuz they weren't even written yet. And very few people would have known how to read anyway.
So if the early Christains could explain these things why can't todays JWs?
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jgnat
I wouldn't go cerebral on her. Most women don't need that anyways. I think she probably needs to have an emotional connection with you, and some security that you will take the lead. My hubby is involved with the witnesses for emotional reasons, so if I want to reach him, I speak to his feelings.
See if you can come up with an analogy that fits what you have been feeling lately. JW's know about analogies. You build them in to your talks all the time. I've used "the other woman" or "the Mother in Law" for how the WTBTS interferes with our marriage. The Titanic analogy might work well. I know the JW's like to take that one for themselves, saying the World is on the Titanic, but I think the UNSINKABLE WTBTS is much closer. Maybe the constant message "don't panic, everything is fine" worries you.
Maybe agree on simple things, like reading the bible together.
A word of warning, this week is "hell week" for "spiritually weak" JW's. Blondie says this week's article is one of the worst she's seen for bashing the flock.
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imfreeimfree
Hi Listener
Not an easy problem to confront; but if you approach the issue prayerfully you will be successful.
Invite her to assist you in getting to the bottom of problems you have stumbled upon. It is imperative to assure her that you are not loosing faith in Jehovah God, or the Bible. It may help to point out that you take the instruction given in the Scriptures seriously, and that you do not want to invoke the consequences described in Gal. 1:8, 9; which clearly confirm that God’s curse will be upon those who go beyond what is written. Rev. 22:18, 19.
It could be helpful to point out, since you choose to “obey God as ruler rather than men”; you are currently experiencing some reservations about some doctrines. You may wish to suggest that some of the guidelines and predictions as expressed and enforced in the organization are not strictly Scriptural and therefore causing you some concern and stumbling; but that you are working through them. Confrontation will not succeed, unfortunately due to extensive indoctrination JW’s are often unable to appeal to reason, rather emotion dominates. Please proceed in small increments.
My wife and I were captives of the organization for 60 years; and yes I am grateful we both faded away from the theologies and systems of the WBTS yet remained strong in faith and in devotion to each other.
Best wishes.
David
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Gill
Hi Listener !
Looks like you need a different tactic. Don't discuss JW crap...that don't work! The more you try to pull her away from it the more she'll cling to it.
I don't know what you're relationship's like so I don't know if this will help but...here goes.
My husband announced one day that he no longer wanted to go to the meeting s and have anything to do with the JW religion. He did not want to explain much, just to say he'd had enough, it was all nonsense and he wanted to live a normal life. I could like it or lump it, continue with the JWs whatever...but he did not want to know any more.
I said OK. He used to help me get the kids ready for the meetings and take us and pick us up etc. He NEVER tried to stop me from going but would help me.
We worked very hard on our relationship as I realised I loved him more than any religion etc and I awoke a bit more to how uncomfortable I also felt about JW land. I started to feel more critical of some of the laughable crap I was listening to at meetings and the nonsense I was hearing from JWs. I stopped going to meetings. I did have a sort of breakdown and saw a counsellor and psychiatrist, who did explain to me I had this quandry because I was brain washed and in a cult and they helped me to get my thinking straight. It wasn't until I stumbled on the internet JW sites that I saw what I had been trapped in for so long.
Now, the point I'm trying to make is, you have got to woo your wife. See the WTBTS as you opponent and you have got to start by making yourself too valuable and lovable to her for her to want to choose the WTBTS over you. The rest will come in time...but I mean it takes TIME. She may never completely wake up to the WT nonsense but she may choose to do what I did and fend the elders away from harrassing her husband and ultimately in the end chose loyalty to you over the cult.
Make yourself LOVABLE! Or even, extra lovable.
Oh! And be cool and tolerant and smoochy and buy her flowers, take her out. Schedule time alone. Be Mr Lover man!
Good luck!
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TheListener
I can't thank all of you enough for your advice.
Just reading the advice you've given makes me feel calmer and more prepared.
OldSoul I appreciate the time you gave me on the phone last night. It was the first time I've been able to talk to another witness (ex) about my feelings. Sorry I had to go so fast. Wow was my pulse racing as my wife came home early.
Gill, your advice is spot on. I've been making myself extra lovable for the last couple of years. Our relationship is stronger than ever (well, except for the religion stuff). In fact she has hinted a couple times that she won't leave me over my exit (should I choose to exit). I like and follow the idea of not wanting to discuss my feelings and opinions on the WTS stuff in detail.
When not in the heat of a "discussion" I truly believe since I haven't been sharing my thoughts about the WTS to her she is confused about where I stand. I haven't been decisive enough either way for her.
In the back of my mind I feel that if I just tell her I want out, whether or not she's able to "argue" me into giving her specific reasons, she'll respect my decision. She won't like it, but she'll respect my decision. Maybe just maybe we'll get through it and have some semblance of a normal life.
By way of update; she came home early and was in a way better mood than when she left. She didn't want to talk about anything WTS related. We watched tv and talked about other things. It was weird, like a switch was turned on before the meeting and turned off again later. I know she didn't talk to anyone at the meeting. So that's not it. I think when her stress level is up (we've all discussed how stressful getting ready and attending the meetings really are) she takes it out on me and my WTS stance.
Thank you all for your helpful comments and pm's.
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jgnat
Thanks for the update, YAAAY! Crisis averted. I do hope you get to bring your wife with you in all this; at the very least that she will respect your decision.
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OldSoul
You're welcome, Listener (Agent 014 ). Anytime. We UBMs are all in this together.
Respectfully,
OldSoul