Thank you for your comments tenacious. I want to believe as I think many here want to. I just have great difficulty accepting things based upon conjecture. I almost lost my now 7 year old son because of my 3rd generation jw belief system. I will be dammed if I do anything of that sort again.
I know without a shadow of doubt that belief in a higher being has imo very negative consequences. Principally it leads to stunting growth and further understanding. When we get used to the idea of "that's just beyond our understanding, or it was meant to be" we stop pushing for evidence or a real answer.
I think that if everyone were to logically follow their thoughts all the way through they would see the error in theism. Belief in a god is dangerous.
I have found a couple of channels very interesting on YouTube. Darkmatter2525, darkantics, and thethinkingatheist to be very thought provoking. The first is rather vulgar but thought provoking none the less.