OK- Serena could be me. I was in a "relationship" with a disfellowshiped JW for over 3 years. We met at work (a resturant) and I instantly felt an attraction (as did he). He was not disfellowshiped at the time, but had just moved to my town after his fiance died from Parkinsen's at 25--LONG STORY. He was 26 and I was 23 when we started "dating".
We became fast friends, and he was up-front about his former fiance and the fact that he was a JW. (BTW-I am a "recovering" Lutheran and am not practicing.) After 6 months of talking on the phone and spending many hours having fun and goofing off in and out of work, we began sleeping together. I had told myself from the beginning that my family would not approve of me dating a JW and I knew his family (both parents and rest of family JW through and through- parents divorced though) would really not approve of me.
Here is where I get confused. After 2 years of a great relationship- (I thought) doing everything that couples do (in the middle of the 2 years, he is disfellowshiped- not due to me) I got a new job about 4 hours away in a big city. He has NO AMBITION and has not changed jobs from the place we met 2 years before - even though he has a new degree- and he starts running hot and cold with me. "2 steps forward- 5 back"- is what I called it to my friends.
I wanted him to move to the big city with me and "start a new page in our relationship". I would ask him about our relationship and he would say I want to marry you I want to move with you- and make me feel SO GOOD about everything. They he would not speak to me for 5 days. I would silently fume and wonder what I HAD DONE to make him upset with me. And round and round we would go. This is how it was for about 6 months. I couldn't take it any longer. Fast forward to me moving to the big city without him.
His parents live in the south- he is living in the midwest. We talk on the phone every night for HOURS and he reminds me how much he misses me every night. I try to talk to him about how he feels about me and our relationship- he turns cold and pissy. I (of course- AGAIN) think I have done something wrong- AGAIN. I have never in my life felt so CRAZY. I literally was contimplating going to a shrink because I thought I was the problem.
He decides he needs to move back "closer to his family becuase they are his support system" I am TOTALLY against this move... I will not go into details but his family is NUTSO! Not a good childhood for him, lets just say that. Anyway, he finally decides to come visit me about 4 months after I moved.
We have a great time. My new friends tell me that they have never seen anyone (him) look at someone with so much love and "committment" in their eyes. His last night here he tells me he has a huge decision to make- to move here, (becuase I make him so happy and he feels safe with me) or to move to another city to be closer to other friends. We talked about 2 weeks after he left, and he told me he made his choice- he was moving closer to other friends. We got into a fight, and I told him to grow up and learn to treat me with respect. Well, it is 10 months after that last call and I have not heard from him. Through friends I have heard that he is still living with his dad, still working at a dead end job making peanuts and not using his degree, and he has started abusing pot. For the last 10 months I have been beating myself up for being a horrible "friend" to him, and telling myself that it is my fault that he doesn't want talk to me.
Here is my problem: I miss him horribly and still love him more than ever. After reading the comments on this board, I realize that others have gone though the same "hot-cold" and am learning (SLOWLY) that this was NOT MY FAULT.
Any advice on how to get over this?
thanks in advance.
ap
PS:This is a post Serena made-- this is almost EXACTLY how my relationship started.... It hurts my heart to read this..... You are not gonna believe this...I went to his apartment monday night, and he made the move on ME!!!!! It was the most incredible, most passionate night of my life. He touched me in places I never been touched before. It seemed like a fantasy. He said he wanted to wake up beside me in the morning. I was in ecstasy! Then the next day he said that we couldn't do that anymore, that he couldn't live with himself mentally if he allowed it to happen again. Well, he called me that night and asked me to come over that he had a surprise for me, well, me not being able to say no to him, went over for another night of bliss. Then again the next day, guess what he said??????????? That we can't, and if he gets weak for me to resist his temptation. Hello, I can't say no to him, I am in love with him now more than ever.
He still wants to go to that movie with me, and now he's talking about going to malls, book stores, zoo's, so of course I am again confused. What the hell do I think? What do I do? He wants me to come over again tonight, it's 11 pm.
Somebody help me!!!!
