TotallyADD,
I'm glad you're familiar with the book and that you already recommended it to your son. As it appears he uses terms from the book but makes stipulations that you must do before you 'might' be acceptable to him, it seems he cherry picked what he wanted from the book but has not benefitted from the advice that was intended to be conveyed.
Perhaps you could remind him you have already made major changes in your life when you realized matters were becoming unbalanced and unhealthy and thereby sought the assistance and advice of a professionally trained therapist. He might acknowledge the positive changes you've already made although he may not want to due to the influence or fear of his wife.
As you willingly made changes you found to be necessary, the onus is on him to somehow deal with past issues that cannot be undone. These are his issues to deal with and if he cannot do it himself, he should seek the help of a professional & unbiased therapist.
Incog