so let me get something straight. when you are around your friends and family, you go along with what they say, do what they do, and talk how they talk, and when you are secretly on this website, you do the same thing with the people here? i will take your messages at face-value and write my reply with the idea that you do not believe the jehovahs witness religion is "correct". and we all know about saving face, but i dont think one person on this website, or anywhere on the planet has ever regretted being honest with loved ones about what is right in their heart of hearts. by your posts on this website, you seem to have no love at all for the religion of jehovahs witnesses. not what they teach, not what they do, and not those who stand up for the religion because they believe the filth. a double-life is never healthy, whether you are a witness pretending not to be, or a non-witness pretending to be. especially since one of the main symptoms of insecurity, low self esteem and depression includes the need for attention/ the need for acceptance. the height of this lack of emotional health (i will bet was not helped by being a jehovahs witness) can be seen in people who are living a "double-life".
i am sorry if it seems as if i am making assumptions about you or your personality, and i hope i am wrong, but some of the things you say in your messages remind me of the things my little brother would have said when he was going through this stuff. and it wasnt happy times. the only advice i think anyone can give is to stand up for what you believe in. that might not mean preaching to your witness friends or family about your beliefs, or lack-of belief in their teachings. that might not mean apostacising or fighting with them all the time. but at least in your mind and in their eyes, you can make a stand. you can do this easily, just by not attending. if/when they bother you about it, tell them straight up - "i dont believe in this" or whatever you are feeling. the conversation that will result in your standing up for yourself will then be like a light turning on in your head, either helping you to go where you belong, or helping you to stay away where you belong. (one recommendation i can make, though would be to not carry the conversation to the point of arguing with a group of elders. it does no good, at least for their sakes, assuming you have a brotherly love fore them. and it wastes a lot of time. if anything, talking one-on-one with any of them would do more good. and get you LESS disfellowshipped. leave, but leave peacfully and quietly.)
everyone wants to be understood by the people they love and who they feel love them. the days/months/years you spend "on the fence" are not completely wasted years, but they dont do much good for the progress in the rest of your life, so the sooner you are clear with the people you love, the sooner you can move ahead. and if you can get off the fence in a quiet and unassuming fashion, so as not to generate enough fear in your family's minds, you probably will not even be disfellowshipped. carrying on in your respect for them, while at the same time building a respect for yourself will help you and everyone who comes in contact with you. mental and emotional health can be ours! and brothers, isn't that a reward in itself?