Posts by dubstepped

35

My Story of Waking Up - in retrospect

by cappytan in

so, many of y'all know bits and pieces of my story of waking up, but i thought it might be nice to have it all in one place.. i was baptized at 11, auxiliary pioneered every summer, regular pioneer at 17, ministerial servant by 19, then went to bethel for a year.. i always had minor doubts from time to time, but nothing serious.

always dismissed doubts and decided to "just have faith.".

after leaving bethel, i was never really firing on all cylinders "spiritually speaking.

dubstepped

Thanks for sharing your story. I think I finally spoke up here around the same time that you did. It is interesting to see the different paths that people take and what it is that finally makes them wake up. I read your experience to my wife and she thought it was interesting that the people are the most sincere (like you were) in the organization are often those that wake up because they will do the research to verify what they're teaching others. The organization needs those sincere people that care, but truly caring and not just following blindly will cause one's eyes to be opened. It is the opposite side of the uber dub card for many. Best wishes on your journey to find what you're looking for.

30

Just Want To Be Heard

by dubstepped in

i've been lurking here for a while now, and i guess you could call me a fader.

i don't have hate in my heart for the organization that i spent most of my life in, but i have had an awakening.

luckily, so has my wife, and that way i don't feel so alone.

dubstepped

Hi Tornintwo (great name that really hits the heart of the matter).

Thanks for the kind words. I'm a lot like you too in the way that I see the organization. The process of wading through everything doesn't have to be an either/or proposition. That black and white thinking is what the organization teaches, true or false religion, with nothing in between. I see the organization much like Israel in the Bible, a mess. Some good intentions, some bad, some just mindless robots following their chosen leaders. Some truth, some manipulations, some lies, and everything in between. Ultimately it is up to me to make sure of the more important things, to use my powers of reason, to make the truth my own, and so on. It isn't up to a few guys in New York that vote on beliefs to determine how I think, how I feel, and how I go forth in life.

My parents once made fun of my uncle for saying "my truth may not be your truth" because truth is an all or nothing proposition to them. If life has taught me anything it is that things can work out with similar results even when done in totally different ways. There truly are different roads leading to the same destination whether it is how you drive your car to the zoo or how you paint a room or how you design your garden, or even how you have a relationship with God. Why would we all think that our relationship with Jehovah has to follow a prescribed course of feelings and actions? Two people can be friends with the same person in totally different ways. Parents often love their kids but have totally different relationships with them. Everything in the organization is expected to be one way. They leave little wiggle room. Sure, you can find some truly kind and compassionate articles in magazines, but often the one right before or after it on the same subject has a very rigid and uncaring attitude. They can't even get cohesion in their own message, so don't think for a minute that there's only one way to do this.

Best wishes to you on your journey as well. :)

32

The Religion Of Rejection - And Now That Includes Me

by dubstepped in

due to some recent developments i find myself in a new place, and at this point i've lost all of my family and fri....oh that's right, i never really had any friends in the organization anyway.

just people that wanted something from me and a few people that i would invite to do things that occasionally said yes.

the recent rejections of me got me thinking, so let's take a rejection inventory.. i had to reject all of the holidays when my parents started studying.. i had to reject any worldly friends that i already had.. even family became rejected, and the new religion had some place in that.. i was rejected in school and bullied all of the time, not just because we were poor and i made good grades, but for jw reasons too.

dubstepped

On a more serious note, I've just reached out to an ex-JW counsellor, I feel a bit better already, realised that so many people around the world are feeling like me too and its going to take time to figure things out and heal... maybe counselling would help you too?

I tried going to a regular therapist earlier this year and it is very hard to find one that I can see around my crazy work schedule. They tend to keep 9-5 type hours around here. I also found that I knew more about lots of things than my therapist did, talking over her head from years of self study. It was a disappointing experience. I do believe that there would be a great therapist out there somewhere for me, but it comes down to money and time and how many I'd have to go through to find one that I could relate to. I'm also holding to some of my previous beliefs, trying to find what I can appreciate because few things in life are all good or all bad. I did learn some things that I still believe in, and I did have some good experiences. The bad seemed to outweigh the good at a point, but I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. It is a delicate balancing act to figure out where I actually stand now instead of where I was told to stand for all of those years.

Honestly, just coming to a place like this and being able to express myself and be validated by others makes a huge difference. I feel like a weight was lifted already just from this post. Can't keep that stuff bottled up inside. There has to be a pressure release valve somewhere, and this is a good place for that.

32

The Religion Of Rejection - And Now That Includes Me

by dubstepped in

due to some recent developments i find myself in a new place, and at this point i've lost all of my family and fri....oh that's right, i never really had any friends in the organization anyway.

just people that wanted something from me and a few people that i would invite to do things that occasionally said yes.

the recent rejections of me got me thinking, so let's take a rejection inventory.. i had to reject all of the holidays when my parents started studying.. i had to reject any worldly friends that i already had.. even family became rejected, and the new religion had some place in that.. i was rejected in school and bullied all of the time, not just because we were poor and i made good grades, but for jw reasons too.

dubstepped

Great post. How is your wife with all of this?

My wife is right there with me in all of it. She used to cry all the time about her feelings of "never feeling good enough" mentioned in the post under yours. She too grew up isolated with no friends and her dad was emotionally and physically abusive while her mom was an emotional anchor (not in a good sense, but in a codependent way, dragging her down).

I was the first one to start voicing my concerns over some things. She resisted a little at first but it wasn't like she hadn't seen things that disturbed her. She's probably more free than I am now. I have a tendency toward rumination and find my brain going over everything I was taught, every situation that I was ever in, and trying to find the reality of it all. That's where I found the whole pattern of rejection. Honestly there came a point where I just realized that the organization was taking and taking and taking from me and never gave me anything in return but hope for everlasting life IF I could ever be good enough, and nobody can under their standards. From tight pants to impure thoughts we are expected to control literally everything in our lives to the highest standard, one of perfection. It is a religion made for perfectionists so that they can feel right and set up unrealistic expectations to continually strive for. Nobody gets rejected like a perfectionist. They (we) reject themselves constantly, reject others for not living up to those ideals, and push people too far. I've been a recovering perfectionist for years. All of the mental disorders and things that I thought I had to battle were largely rooted in living a life contrary to my wiring and that was ruled by the whims of a religion that changed its mind and continued to up the ante on their rhetoric, becoming more and more rigid and less and less merciful.

32

The Religion Of Rejection - And Now That Includes Me

by dubstepped in

due to some recent developments i find myself in a new place, and at this point i've lost all of my family and fri....oh that's right, i never really had any friends in the organization anyway.

just people that wanted something from me and a few people that i would invite to do things that occasionally said yes.

the recent rejections of me got me thinking, so let's take a rejection inventory.. i had to reject all of the holidays when my parents started studying.. i had to reject any worldly friends that i already had.. even family became rejected, and the new religion had some place in that.. i was rejected in school and bullied all of the time, not just because we were poor and i made good grades, but for jw reasons too.

dubstepped

Thanks ladies and gents. I've been struggling and needed to get some stuff out. It isn't like I can speak my mind to anyone still in the organization or to family or friends that are all pretty much gone now. When you start noticing too much and see the man behind the curtain you become a man (or woman) on an island. It is nice to know that other castaways understand the rejection that comes with all of this. I'm just now getting a taste of what my brother had to endure for all of these years. Funny how JW's talk about disfellowshipping from their side only, how they hurt when a loved one leaves the organization, and how that loved one is going off into a dark world of evil. In the meantime the one leaving is left with so much baggage, PTSD in the case of my brother who was hunted down by elders wanting to talk to him even though he just wanted to walk away, and since a lot of young people are disfellowshipped they never get a chance to grow up and see their families for what they were. They are denied a chance for psychological healing that might need to take place. My brother can't even remember a lot because he learned to disassociate (boy isn't that term ironic in organizational context) and basically numb what was going on to avoid the pain. He would be held forever in a lot of those states had I not come along to help him bring back what happened growing up and to confirm things that he's told others that they simply cannot believe. Yep, all of that stuff happened. Nope, he's not the crazy one.

Thanks for reading and giving me a place to share what is going on inside me. I'm glad that it touches others that have been there and done that. I'm just sorry that so many have had to be there in the first place.

32

The Religion Of Rejection - And Now That Includes Me

by dubstepped in

due to some recent developments i find myself in a new place, and at this point i've lost all of my family and fri....oh that's right, i never really had any friends in the organization anyway.

just people that wanted something from me and a few people that i would invite to do things that occasionally said yes.

the recent rejections of me got me thinking, so let's take a rejection inventory.. i had to reject all of the holidays when my parents started studying.. i had to reject any worldly friends that i already had.. even family became rejected, and the new religion had some place in that.. i was rejected in school and bullied all of the time, not just because we were poor and i made good grades, but for jw reasons too.

dubstepped

Due to some recent developments I find myself in a new place, and at this point I've lost all of my family and fri....oh that's right, I never really had any friends in the organization anyway. Just people that wanted something from me and a few people that I would invite to do things that occasionally said yes. The recent rejections of me got me thinking, so let's take a rejection inventory.

I had to reject all of the holidays when my parents started studying.

I had to reject any worldly friends that I already had.

Even family became rejected, and the new religion had some place in that.

I was rejected in school and bullied all of the time, not just because we were poor and I made good grades, but for JW reasons too. It was just piling on at that point.

I rejected having time after my school day to do anything, as my parents had to fill many evenings with service to get their time in.

I rejected the thoughts of having fun on weekends because we had service and meetings and whenever I wanted to do something suddenly my dad wanted to have a family study.

I rejected lots of fun activities because I was a young ministerial servant that was "used" (to burnout) in the congregation. I also had to auxiliary pioneer every summer because that's what you did to be a good person, and I wanted to be one. I also had parts on district conventions and meetings and circuit assemblies, oh my. Lots of rejecting to make room for trying hard to please everyone around, including Jehovah.

My family was emotionally abusive (apart from the religion), so I rejected my feelings and tried to bury them because I had nowhere to turn. It's okay though, my dad was an elder, and he would never be rejected for such abuses. Well, actually my mom and I threw enough of a fit that they deleted him eventually, but he was right back as an elder in no time without any change.

I rejected all of the college offers that I had, and an opportunity to start a business with a guy that saw me as his protege because I had to pioneer, of course.

I rejected things like porn, masturbation (okay, let's face it, nobody can hold off on that one forever), sex before marriage, any experiences with the opposite sex to be honest because our congregation was scared that any dealings with the opposite sex would lead to fornicating right there on the spot, sports (because I was good and another brother tried to hurt me while we played several times so the elders told ME to stop playing), and I'm sure I could go on and on.

I rejected opportunities to earn more money that I needed once we got married because I had to play the role of spiritual family head.

I was rejected constantly by our loving brotherhood. I have invited people to my home and been told yes, only to sit with a bunch of pizzas and nobody to eat them but me. I've sat at meetings for field service and watched everyone else be put in groups but my wife and I. I've raised my hand when they were ready to go to be told that we could just go alone.

The few friends I had growing up all rejected the religion, and I rejected them like any good brother should.

My brother was rejected by the organization and disfellowshipped, and I rejected him too like I was supposed to for many years.

I rejected my own self. My authenticity was hidden behind a veil of organizational expectations. I always had questions about things that never made sense to me, and ruffled plenty of feathers because I wasn't one to stay quiet. Still, I rejected most of my concerns under a pile of rationalization and reasoning that I was instilled with through meetings and association.

A couple of years ago though, I started to reject some of the things that I was taught that didn't hold up factually.

I started rejecting the cold narcissistic world that I was raised in and that was all I had ever known, including the religion. I rejected the negative attitude toward self-help books and for the first time I found hope and emotions and love and something that made me feel good. The next thing to go was my disdain for other human beings. I rejected looking down on worldly people. I saw that many had great lives, moral lives, and happy lives, the opposite of the dismal picture painted by the organization. I rejected the notion that happiness could only be found in a place that I found so utterly depressing and devoid of love.

Then came the BIG one. I rejected the rejection of my brother. We grew up in a volatile home and he was rejected (disfellowshipped) young from the organization. I reached out to make things right, to open up about our childhood emotional damage and to try and do some healing for both of us. I rejected the notion that once shunned, always shunned, made sense. He was married now and lived a good life. So I went to see him and spent time with him and his wife.

Now both my family and my wife's family reject us both. Word spread and my wife was rejected by even more people. If I had any friends in this organization they would have rejected me too. A whole life full of rejecting things to conform to something so that when I make ONE decision that goes against the grain I can be rejected too. And sure, if someone that knew me read this I might be rejected by the organization itself. I've said things on here that I know would make that come true. Honestly, I just don't care anymore. They took and took and took from me and gave me very little. If I'm just an object to be discarded then go ahead and get it over with. I've been rejected by everyone in my life to date, and the only people that have EVER reached out to me are those evil worldly people. I've literally missed meetings for 17 months at one point before anyone reached out, and that was just a note on our door.

So if they decide to throw me on the reject pile with so many others, like discarding an object and not a person, then let it be. It has been a lot of misery and I want so badly to leave it all behind and move on toward happier things. In fact, I've been doing that for some time now. But damn if the past doesn't seem to have been so strongly programmed into me that I have a hard time shaking it. Every seemingly healthy thought is contrasted by some fearmongering scripture or saying that someone fed me. I'm struggling with the hole left by knowing that the only people I really had left rejected me too, my family. I'm left trying to build everything from scratch, and it sucks. I have plenty of good things in my life, but two biggies (religion and family) just folded, and it hurts to have rejection enter my life once again.

63

2015 Regional Convention Anthony Morris Governing Body encourages coerced baptism of unwilling children ...again

by Watchtower-Free in

this is from the last talk of the convention ......... clip 1:30 minutes longhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrej8tlyiso&feature=youtu.be.

dubstepped

That guy makes me sick. Notice his flat affect. He has to have some sort of mental disorder. Jesus wouldn't have been good enough for him. He waited far too long to get baptized. And yes, getting baptized is what counts, not dedication. It's all about that outward symbol. Nobody really cares what's in your heart.

4

Last Man on Earth

by rebel8 in

anyone else watching this show?

i'm fascinated by it.

i have often thought about what it would be like if most people were gone.

dubstepped

Love the show. The main character has the same timing and fortune that I had for many years. Then again, he also gets what he deserves often, so what's that say about me, lol.

12

I found something useful the Witnesses do for society.

by adjusted knowledge in

jw
friends

i'm currently working at a rehab facility.

it also has assisted living, long term care, and hospice.

the facility allows churches to sign up for planned activities.

dubstepped

Seeing as how I'm not about to go do what they're doing, I can't really knock them for it. It is easy to point to their need for time, or maybe it just makes them feel good. Even the most generous volunteer usually has some selfish motive, something in it for themselves, so in this instance I actually think it is nice. They could easily be going door to door and pretend to knock while chatting up their service partner and instead they're actually making an effort to provide entertainment for some people that probably need it. I say good for them. Even if it pads numbers like Bible studies or whatever, they could be driving aimlessly or dropping off laundry to pad numbers, and this actually does do something for other people.

12

JW Elder Promoting His Business on YouTube

by Samuel in

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doizc34ilso.

the person appearing in this video was the presiding overseer of a congregation in which i was serving.

i had served in a lot of congregations over the years and had seen a lot of crazy goings on, but this particular elder was high up on the "crazy list".

dubstepped

IMO, leaving any comments or taking shots at him in his business realm just makes apostates look crazy and vindictive. None of us knows the guy and anything we hear is one person's account. For any of us to mess with him just seems wrong. With that said, my goodness is that guy boring. Aren't there any videos of paint drying that we could post?