Ultimately it ends up real lonely from what I've seen here. The shunning is inevitable. I hate that it is that way but you just can't create openness in a closed minded group. If it helps any, I always like your posts Millie. I have enjoyed reading them and like your perspective. It's a shame that people like my wife and I, like you, and so many others end up getting trampled on and the beautiful optimism ends up crushed in the end with these people. There is a beautiful freedom on the other side that we're finding as we make new friends and reconnect with long lost family.
dubstepped
JoinedPosts by dubstepped
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The JW Family
by dubstepped inmaybe this is a bit obtuse, but see if you can follow me here and maybe throw in your own views.
as i see it, the organization as a whole is a family, and like most, it is dysfunctional.
you have the parents in those taking the lead (gb, elders, overseers, etc.
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The JW Family
by dubstepped inmaybe this is a bit obtuse, but see if you can follow me here and maybe throw in your own views.
as i see it, the organization as a whole is a family, and like most, it is dysfunctional.
you have the parents in those taking the lead (gb, elders, overseers, etc.
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dubstepped
Ha, this post just popped up for me on the side so I thought I'd bump it 3 months after I wrote it. I was wrong. This "family" that I talked about is completely toxic and screwed. Get out! Run! They are a cult and they're literally stuck in a tiny box of beliefs and it CANNOT be repaired. Repairing it would mean that both sides would have to meet in the middle, and JW's are completely inflexible. That was my ever hopeful spirit, my deep desire talking, thinking that somehow it could be fixed. Here I am 3 months later and still waiting on these morons to get their act together enough to let me DA (hopefully they've been able to find my letter by now that I sent them). You cannot find a happy medium. It is truly all or nothing, black or white, and I was naive enough to think that somehow I would be able to find that shade of gray where we could live and let live, allowing each other to be who we are individually while still maintaining contact. Nope. As soon as you have the smell of a doubter you're marked a traitor, a filthy apostate that is like poison to them. They will push you away with the quickness.
So, I was wrong. I wrote something beautiful that reflected something beautiful that I hoped could happen because I was an eternal optimist, but all I saw in my own example and in that of others on here and in so many other places was ugly over the past months. JW's are ugly. They put on a facade of love and peace and unity while just under the surface lies judgement and divisiveness and control. There is no real love there. Thus, there's no reason to keep trying. It can be their way or no way at all. You are just a pawn in their game, nothing more. I can't wait to get my official release papers from them confirming my DA. I hate to leave my family behind, but their shallow love based on control isn't something I want to keep around. Like they always said in illustrations, would you drink a cup of water if it had just a little toxic poison in it? Of course not! So, I cast this cup away from me. It was toxic and it just made me toxic while I continued to drink from it.
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Dealing With ANGER!!
by kairos inlittle help i'd like to pass on from another cult survivor to me.. not jw but a violent, physically captive indian cult.. she says on anger:.
it's the longest lasting emotion with have.. it takes at least 90 seconds for it to run it's course once we stop.a lot can happen in 90 seconds, and some of the most horrible exchanges and actions happen right after the anger first manifests itself.. we're experiencing fantastic results by just going for a very short walk ( 90 seconds out in the yard or other room ) before continuing the conversation.. when my wife and i come back together we can smile, embrace and congratulate each other for avoiding a horrible day.. before it even becomes anger, wait 3-5 seconds before making your reply.
slow it down!!
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dubstepped
I was one angry dude for most of my life. Then one day it hit me that although anger and rage was at the surface, sometimes dangerously so, it was all just a front for deep sadness and hurt. Once I started asking myself what I'm really feeling under the anger I was better able to deal with the cause instead of just the symptom. It has helped me more than anything else in dealing with anger. Reading about the ego helped me to see that often that was what caused the anger, feeling out of control or like I looked bad in a situation. Verbalizing what those deeper things under the anger were really helped me be more authentic and my wife and I have a much better relationship than we ever did. I have much less road rage. Stepping back and watching myself and my reactions as they're happening (thanks mindfulness) helps me to be present and to call myself out before reacting badly because I can see the signs now.
Like you said, just taking a second to cool off, or doing some exercise like walking, helps give us a minute to process instead of reacting. Good for you for taking the challenge head on. It is tough sometimes even just to walk away for a minute, but so worth it.
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Remember the two elderly sisters?
by John Aquila inabout a month ago i posted what had happened to two elderly sisters who were reprimanded by a couple of elders for crying because the jw broadcasting was going to be stopped at the kingdom hall and it was up to each publisher to learn how to use the internet.
if you recall the sisters got together with my mom and talked about it and it resulted in all of them declining to make meals for the pioneers.
here is the link.
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dubstepped
Wow, so much for confidentiality.
Just kidding, that's awesome. Treat people like crap and they may just treat you in kind WTBTS. You bring things on yourself sometimes.
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New Inactive One Saying Hello to all
by Lostwun inlostwun here, i joined 2 months ago but am now just finding the courage after doing more research to formally introduce myself to the board and embrace my new beginnings as an ex-jw.
i am a second-generation jw.
i grew up with parents who are well known and very respected in many circuits.
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dubstepped
Oh yeah, I almost forgot. You're conditioned to see everyone outside the Borg as a danger. Here's a thread that may help:
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/topic/422560001/oh-my-god-we-associated-worldly-people
I've been scared through this whole process. I believed in my heart that as soon as I started reading apostate sites I'd die in a fiery car crash, that once I started hanging out with worldly people my wife would get raped and I'd die in a fiery car crash, that once I DA'd I'd lose my business and my wife would get raped and I'd die in a fiery car crash. Fear is a great way to manipulate people, and we've all been manipulated by it. That's not to say that one doesn't have to be careful who they associate with, but that's true whether in the "world" or in the Borganization. See the recent Australian Royal Commission hearings to learn about some that lurk in the organization. Not all are on the up and up, and if you've been around long you've run into toxic people that you know to stay away from even in the organization. I believe it was Ray Franz that pointed out that there are locks on the doors to the rooms at Bethel because they've had problems with thievery. The world outside the organization doesn't own the rights to all nefarious conduct. In fact, I've found the people outside to be much nicer and more genuine than what I grew up with. I've turned down so many offers of hospitality from "worldly" people throughout my life when no JW was asking me to do anything socially ever. Now my wife and I can say yes to them and so far we've had fun. We have much more support now and it is so beautiful and free.
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Beroean Pickets
by joe134cd inhi i've been reading a web sight called borean pickets.
http://meletivivlon.com/2015/05/09/may-tv-broadcast-on-tv-jw-org/.
although the guy writes some real thought provoking stuff, i sort of don't know what to make of it.
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dubstepped
I've really been helped by that site over the months of breaking free from JW's. However, the new direction where they're trying to get money to translate things into different languages and they want to break free from employment so as to create videos and do other things sounds a lot like a site jumping the shark, so to speak. It sounds like he's trying to form his own religion of sorts, and I just can't support that. I'll still read, and I may not always agree, but I find what is written there pretty balanced. A lot of people disagree with the new path though, so at least I'm not alone there. -
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New Inactive One Saying Hello to all
by Lostwun inlostwun here, i joined 2 months ago but am now just finding the courage after doing more research to formally introduce myself to the board and embrace my new beginnings as an ex-jw.
i am a second-generation jw.
i grew up with parents who are well known and very respected in many circuits.
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dubstepped
Paranoia will destroy ya. And the organization counts on that to keep you in the fold. It worked on me for some time. So scared of what people would think of that pic I posted on Facebook or that song I said I liked, and God forbid I be seen with unacceptable human beings. As imprisoning as that is, the freedom on the other side is equally sweet.
My wife and I started reaching out to people we came in contact with outside the organization. Those connections were far more supportive of us than those who were supposed to be our brothers and sisters ever were in decades of service. We now have friends that choose to be our friends. We're still new to all of this and don't have deep friends that we can call anytime from the new bunch, but being open and honest with people about what's going on has been huge. It helped us work through the situation and helped us know we aren't alone. As did the people here. I've also reconnected with my brother who I shunned for many years, as well as a friend from 13 years ago. Having those roots back in my life is amazing.
Another thing that helped me feel less alone was reading Ray Franz's book Crisis Of Conscience. It is a must read. It validated so much of what we felt and saw and we didn't feel like crazy people anymore. You can read it online for free. I listened to the audio while I worked in our business.
The fact is that you will feel lonely at times. It is part of the process. However, you will emerge as the authentic you, likely for the first time. My wife said she's never seen me so free, and I'm still in the process of DA'ing, waiting for the announcement. That's a heavy thing, and I'm in such a better place.
Read books on boundaries and emotional abuse and narcissism and you'll find answers to a lot of messed up things you've been around. A New Earth by Eckhart Toole was huge in freeing us from the ego that being in the organization formed to help us feel like we were in control. We now are our true selves and that defensiveness you see in your husband is likely his ego feeling scared and out of control. Under that ego is likely an amazing person just screaming to get out but masked by what's been put on him.
I could go on forever. Be patient and loving. Remember that even on a plane you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you can help someone else. So take care of yourself. Read and research and learn. Don't become bigger and swing the opposite way and let frustration with the organization make you just as zealous against it as you were for it. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy. I'm starting to get to the point, after hurt and rage, where I can see that a freedom exists where I won't have to follow them or care what they do anymore. Once doing so gets me out and allows me to process what was done to me, I look forward to moving on to better things and not caring about them anymore so that they have no more hold on me. To hate them is to give them power.
I guess I'll stop before I write a self-help book, lol.
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New Inactive One Saying Hello to all
by Lostwun inlostwun here, i joined 2 months ago but am now just finding the courage after doing more research to formally introduce myself to the board and embrace my new beginnings as an ex-jw.
i am a second-generation jw.
i grew up with parents who are well known and very respected in many circuits.
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dubstepped
Welcome! I joined in here 6 months ago, and was ahead of my wife in the desire to fade. She wasn't defensive, at least not openly, but our journey went very quickly. We just send letters of DA in last week. From being scared to death to read on an "apostate" site to joining in and now DA'd.
My advice, as others have said, is to take it slow. If your husband trusts you and your opinions and feelings on things he may eventually be moved to look into what you're saying. Don't push him too fast. A good idea is not to pick on things, but to let him wake up on his own. When literally asleep, it is much more pleasant to wake up on one's own than to have something abruptly wake them up. Try pulling someone's eyelids up while they're sleeping and see what the reaction is. You were allowed to wake up on your time, so give him that chance.
The last 6 months has been both the hardest time in our lives and the most freeing. Would I do it again? Heck yes. Neither my wife nor I asked to see the truth about "The Truth" but we both noticed things over the years and had experiences that built up that we couldn't ignore. We saw things that didn't reflect Jehovah and that made us upset. We saw contradictions and hypocrisy. And maybe most of all, what we did NOT see was love. Control, yes, but love, no. I no longer have the problems with anxiety that plagued me for years. My wife no longer has to feel like she's never good enough. It is so freeing, and we're so blessed to make it out together. But it wasn't easy even then. So, take your time, and don't be like a new JW that can't hold back and that tells everyone how wrong they are. Bide your time, be tactful, and perhaps your husband can be won without a word, as the scriptures say. Be a good example as you find greater happiness and he may be attracted to it. Feel free to point things out if he asks, or if something really needs to be said, but pick and choose your battles. We had many serious discussions during which I laid a foundation of the trust that we had built over the years and asked her to look at what I was finding, to see that I had no malice and was simply hurt by things I had seen and learned and wanted to see what she thought. We discovered much of this together, looking for the "truth" that we had always been promised. I hope that you two get to make some discoveries together as well.
Take care, and best wishes on your journey forward. It will be hard, but it will also be worth it.
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I had requested them to put shepherding concerns in writing.
by quincemyles inlast week, i had requested the elders to put their shepherding concerns in writing and that only one elder visits me because i am uncomfortable with two.
well, today they approached me and said we are not able to write to you and we are going to see you the two of us.
i felt how inconsiderate and disrespectful of individuals the watchtower machinery is.
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dubstepped
First, your example and that magazine from 1986 needs to go to one Mr. Angus Stewart.
Second, why is there only a "like" button? Because I freaking LOVED your first post in this thread. Pure awesomeness.
Third, you will be taken down for apostasy. You're just supposed to blindly follow. Ultimately you're going to be DF'ed or you're going to want to DA. They'll make it uncomfortable to do otherwise.
I just DA'd. It hurts because I know how others will view me and all family will shun me, but honestly it's quite freeing. Those people can't just let me be me. They would have looked down on me and preached to me. No more awkward situations. I don't have to listen to them parrot the latest sayings anymore. They can only judge from afar. Nobody is looking over my shoulder. They can't take Jehovah or Jesus from me, only their co-opting of my relationship with them.
Thanks for sharing your experience.
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OMG!!! Guardians of the Doctrine!!! LOL!!!!!
by DATA-DOG inlol!!!!
omg!!
sorry for posting so much today, but i just went to the "imitate wt jewsus" convention and now i'm drinking.
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dubstepped
Oh, and here's the pic you requested. I didn't make it, but I'll take the love, lol.
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/topic/426830001/guardians-doctrine-illustrated?page=1&size=10