ugh purza, this is what kills me about this cult. they say they'll take you back, but they never do. how many times did i see it? people who'd been out never were treated the same again, always people acted like they were dirty or damaged goods, even tho most of the elders/their kids had done far worse and people winked and looked the other way! i never could treat anyone who'd been df'd like that even when i was a good little borgette.
lehaa, i'm so sorry for your pain. i hope you find help and comfort here. the only reason i ever visit these boards anymore is for people like you, people just out, people in such raw pain. i don't come here to debate anyone about anything, it's a waste of time to me. but i come here to try to offer a little experience from someone just a little ways up the road.
the thing i hate most is if one of my old friends IS df'd, i never find out about it. like my one friend df'd last year, he killed himself 8 weeks later. i only found out about the df'ing after the suicide. if i'd known, i'd have called him up and taken him out with my family for a bite to eat, and given him an earfull and a shoulder to cry on.
but he's gone now. i don't even know where he's buried. i want to find out though, so i can go at least, to leave flowers.
no one else will.
when i was df'd, i refused to go to my judicial hearings (would have been like bringing the rope to my own hanging) and i told the elders to stop calling my house to hound me or i'd sic a lawyer on them for harrassment. i told them that they were to inform me of any decision that they made in writing.
All i got was a letter informing me when the last hearing would be if i wanted to show up, and that if i didn't, they would rule in accordance with the 'direction given'.
now mind you, i'd already written them a da letter, but they had to df me anyway cause no one leaves the PO's son (whether he abused her or not, moot point to them) and gets away with it. even if had begged and cried for mercy (which i had no intention of doing) they would have df'd me anyway.
i heard from my ex that they had announced my df'ing a week later. soon as that happened, he lessened his grip on me QUITE a bit cause he had what he had wanted all along; his walking papers.
if anyone i knew let alone family got df'd, i'd make them the same offer of dinner out and a listening ear. i only wish i could've done that for my friend before he dove off a roof :( i loved him a lot.
lost too many that way.
forgive me for shouting, please, i just have to do this esp. for those who may be lurking here who are down esp. if they're newly tossed out: please hear me. if i could, i'd hold you by the shoulders and look into your eyes and tell you this until you believed me.
THERE IS NO SHAME IN BEING DF'D BY A PANEL OF IMPERFECT MEN WHO HAVE NO CLUE WHAT YOUR LIFE HAS BEEN LIKE and are LIKELY ARE CLUTCHING THEIR LARGE PRINT BIBLES TO THEIR LAPS to hide their REACTIONS to the info they drill out of people about their "sins"! The shame is on THEM for the way that they behave; mercilessly. How they could think Jesus would ever approve of that, i have NO freaking clue.
if someone i knew/loved was df'd for a crime, murder, child molestation, well yeah, i wouldn't want to be closest friends with them of course, just like any non-jw who did those things. but for anything else? if they needed help (rehab or something) i'd try to steer them toward it; they'd know i loved them, if not their dangerous behavior. but aside from protecting my family from potential perpetrators (many of whom still sit in the KH in the good graces of the cong. cause people don't know what they do off hours!) i wouldn't judge people.
not my job, man. definitely not my job.
i feel sorry for those guys who are out now who are haunted by what they did on JC's. all i can say is, you did what you thought was best at the time. Maya Angelou says that when you "knew better, you did better". my only advice would be if you have the desire and ever get the chance to apologize to someone personally who you feel you may have wronged, by either judging harshly or by 'going along' with those who did, then apologize to them then let it go. even if you can only do it in your heart. i knew what some on my JC were up against. one of them i KNOW was an abused spouse himself and he felt for me and felt they should have let me be after the da letter i wrote. he knew what was up with my ex.
but he was obviously overruled, even if he did try to speak up on my behalf. if he's ever out, i'd love to ask him someday if he even tried. somehow, i think he may have.
fleur
