personaly i think we are all born straight and everyone makes their own choice on where they go after that.
Sam87.
Well i know you weren't being critical, but i don't agree that i was "born straight" and then somehow made a conscious (or even unconscious) decision to be gay. It's just something that happens. Just like at a certain age a straight person starts having feelings for the opposite sex, at the age of about 9 i started having feelings for someone of the same sex. (At even the age of 7 in retropect i noticed i had a special... shall we say "affinity" for the same sex - i used to enjoy sniffing boy's hair in the dinner queue )... No one around me was gay, in fact i hadn't even heard of the word. I grew up in a very sheltered JW houosehold, and everybody i knew was a Witness. The subject wouldn't even come up to a 9 year old. Of course i'd heard the word "homosexual" at a meeting or two, but this word meant as much to me as did the other long words: "adultry", "coveteousness", "fornication" and "idolatry". I obviously certainly never applied the word to my innocent neo-pubescent feelings... i didn't feel guilty about it, in fact i didnt even think of it as a big deal, it just felt extremely natural to me, and i never occured to me that anyone else felt any differently... i assumed it was the way all guys felt about their close friend UNTIL...
...at the age of 11 i heard the word "gay" mentionned in the classroom at the end of a sex-education video. it was something along the lines of: "...so this is how babies are made [...] STDs are dangerous, so always use a condom [...] many young people stroke their sexual organs, this is called "masturbation" and is perfectly healthy [...] people who are attracted to the member of the same sex are called 'gay', if you are gay it is perfectly natural and healthy"...
Well when i heard this one-and-one came together in my head on that day and i realised in retrospect, that all my friends had been boasting about girlfriends (up until then i thought i was just a really extra-pure J-dub kid doing all the right things and immune to impure thoughts).. at that point i realised that i shouldhave at least had a slight interest in girls... but it still didnt *click* until my brain had worked it out a little more... then at the age of 11, at a meeting i heard the word "gay"... thought about it for a bit, then started to panic a little bit. I realised that the feelings a man was supposed to have for a woman, were manifesting themselves in my feelings toward another boy (although i didn't indeed couldn't put it so eloquently). Now, that shocked the life out of me and i began to realise that what i felt was "wrong"... Whereas before i used to feel 2 inches tall when the scripture about "being obedient to your parents in union with the Lord" was mentionned, now i began to wince at the scripture about "men who lie with men not inheriting God's Kingdom"...
...but even then i didn't apply the term "gay" to myself, it still felt innocent, even though at the meetings i heard it was wrong. I prayed to Jehovah each night to stop these thoughts from coming into my head, but of course, as puberty raged on, the feelings got STRONGER... in the next 7 years i had crushes on 4 different guys of the same age who attended my school, all of which lasted more than a year each. I never even tried dating a girl coz it didn't feel... natural... It was on my third crush at the age of 15 that i finally accepted that the term "gay" as applied to myself, even though i had not slept with or even kissed another male... but i still felt tremendous guilt and even toyed with the idea of taking my own life before i commited any "wrongdoing". This continued throughout my fourth and final of what i call my "teenage crushes"...
...then at 18 still believing in the veracity of the WTS's teachings and the sinful nature of my own self, i got baptised hoping that at last i'd have mental protection from sin... Obviously it didnt work because a month after my baptism, i discovered... THE INTERNET... Strangely enough, i thought that if i only glanced *momentarily* at apostate websites, then i wouldn't be comming any "thought-crime". Well, a year of *momentarily glancing* at apostate sites gave me enough courage to break away from ridgid JW thinking... and almost exactly a year after i got baptised, i decided to lose my virginity......... and felt like a piece of horse manure. I prayed to Jehovah immediately after the act and cried uncontrollably... i knew there was somthing wrong with the Watchtowers view of God, but still believed it in a vague kind of way, grasping onto straws for it all to be true, yet desperately hoping that the apostates were right, my mind was a right mess, i didn't know what was right and what was wrong, i thought: the WTS must be right because they predicted 1914 and if Armageddon came while i was in this state, surely i'd be swept away... but they're wrong about so many other things... During those years, doublethink was a thought process i became very familiar with... i bottled everything up and used cognitive dissonance to block out anything that caused me pain. I wanted to have my cake and eat it, i wanted (1) the securityof the comforting WT beliefs about resurrection and paradise, but i also wanted (2) freedom of thought and action...
...but then after that my healing process began. I made my decision between the two, i chose freedom of thought and action. Having just turned 19 i decided that the New Year (2002) would be a new starting point... i decided that i would not feel guilty about going on apostate sites, afterall, if the Truth is the Truth, i will be able to prove it with evidence. That same year i would also be starting university and would have a better access to reasearch materials, and a new set of friends to try my new identity out on...
...unfortunately i still didnt have the courage to "come out" to ANY of my new friends, for fear of being judged, but i did make great use of internet research materials... (as well as online dating sites)... and gradually cleared my mind of all doubts as to the flasehood of the WTS. In June 2004 i made my first post here on JWD, still believing in the Bible tentatively, but retrospectively a "just-in-case" agnostic... and sometime between June 2004 and June 2005 (whilst i was living in Paris, away from the numbing effects of weekly congregation meetings) i stopped thinking "what if it was all true" and turned into an atheist... and my last feelings of guilt for being gay dissolved in the emancipating parisian air...
I believe that you can only be proud of what you chose to do or be:
I did not chose to be black, therfore i cannot be "proud" or "ashamed" of it...
I did not chose to be gay, therfore i cannot be "proud" or "ashamed" of it...
I chose to be an atheist, therefore i can be proud of my decision...
Te reason why being an atheist is different is because its been one of the few choices i've made in my life, and its been a long arduous journey trying to find who i really am... and i feel that at the age of 23 i've finally begun to trace the first few pencil-drawings of that "me"... and one of those pencil strokes is knowing that i was not born straight then "make my own choice on where i go after that"...
(sorry about the long post, i just felt a sudden urge to answer the question with a life story, lol)
Dorayakii(of the "Society for the Re-introduction of a First-person, Lower-case "i" into the English Language" aka "SRFLIEL")